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FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS

Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred

selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!

PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years, the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Talulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and last but never least…Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.

WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located off Highway 135 near the former Rockey River Resort Complex. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Heeny Tick Festival in 1907 (or was in ’08?). It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents switch to brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost pretend water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1989. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $175 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Rockies’ season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located just three miles east of Olive’s Gift Shop at Big Ol’ Grandma’s RV World.

SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.

HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison, this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week but summer rates are never reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome. Sorry but due to the ineffectiveness of the Gunnison Hysterical Society the landmark LaVeta Hotel, once perched on Boulevard Avenue, no longer exists.

SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. Either the buffalo are there or they are not. Watch the illegal parking on shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.

FASTEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Slowest Traffic Light in the West located one street north.Snap a picture of the dumbest left turn lane in North America.

JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Castro Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for poorly sponsored tap dancing. Since the remains are not totally petrified, forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles. (Please clean up after your dog).

TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocain next to the Halitosis Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate AstroTurf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Lauren Boebert is in office. She and her entourage have this attraction circled and have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.

THE GIANT HOUSE – Located on Ouray’s chic Oak Street, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are somewhat trigger-happy. Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gatehouse of this exclusive development.

These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor to Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and an automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.

CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.

– Uncle Pahgre