All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Good Advice
By Rev. Phillip Pharisee
Hello friends and special patrons. Welcome to Cousin Phil’s Sanctimonious Salvation Parlor and Halfway Lunch Counter.
We are pleased to see that so many of you negotiated the little windshield flyers and found us in the right strip mall so “Come on in for a cup of java and a rap at the hip quick-way-to-paradise church and progressive pyramid accounting temple.
But never you mind the details. We’ll take care of everything whether its your eternal soul or the souls of those worn out penny loafers.
Today I’d like to remind the faithful that we must honor and protect His gifts that I am bestowing on the deserving among you. We must be in awe of His universe and not take these wonderful handouts for granted. The entire Creation is yours to enjoy at the top of the pecking order. The pagans and the other species can have what is left when you are done with it.
Now, friends have asked: “Rev. Pharisee, how can I protect the vast universe when I can’t even see it?”
The answers to that and a lot of other pertinent questions about faith and hope can be answered in my newest self-published paperback “The Heathen and Heaven” where I lay it down so that anyone can grasp the keen relationships between God and man. It can be purchased right along with your lunch today.
We all spend far too much time chasing the almighty dollar when we should be chasing the Almighty Himself. We ignore His gifts and place them as secondary in our unbalanced set of priorities. A blade of grass for instance: have you ever really looked closely at one? It is perfectly proportioned. Did it come from a monkey too? Certainly not!
Only He and His wisdom could offer this fine congregation something on such a grand scale. It’s a virtual miracle.
Ice Sales to Mexico Leaves Chilly Legacy
Canadian and American relations, already strained by a colander of diplomatic discrepancies, has dipped farther still with the confirmation that Canada will go ahead with controversial ice sales to Mexico.
The undocumented, yet frozen, water will be delivered Friday in time for tourist season. The flow of visitors has diminished do to drug violence near the borders. It is hoped that serious efforts to improve the situation will end a message that everything is safe in Mexico.
If all goes according to plan the ice will be air-dropped to a remote mountain location next week. Residents in the landing zone have been warned to vacate the premises immediately. Transportation to safe havens has been arranged.
“After all of the bad press and animosity over immigration the last thing we want to do is run out of ice,” said a spokesperson for the travel industry in Guadalajara. “When the United States got weird and started the hesitate we called up Canada.”
Canada has more ice in reserve than any nation on earth including Russia. The arrival of an undisclosed amount of Mexican pesos could keep the Canadian lights on this winter. The legitimate sale is still pending in the Canadian parliament but is expected to pass easily on Monday.
There is still little word on what conflicts precipitated the arrangement. Mexico and the US have been buying and selling ice since the Mexican War in 1848.
Insiders say the neighbor to the south has become edgy when dealing with The Iceman across the Rio Grande. Rumors continue to fly regarding three new hockey rinks on the drawing board in Veracruz, Durango and Mexico City.
– Rocky Flats
“Dress suitably in short skirts and strong boots. Leave your jewels in the bank and buy a revolver.”
– Countess Markievicz, 20th Century Irish Revolutionary
Man Not Baker But Ross
(Continued from page 445)
many long tedious years later. To his friends Bonzo Stiltze had always thought he was Josephine Baker, even from the beginning he accepted, and some say reveled, in the fact that he was the sultry Black American dancer who had taken Paris by storm in the 30s. Films of the snaky moves and seductive trances common to Baker scattered his shabby flat. Song and dance routines were second nature to Stilze.
“It was fun to be Josephine,” said Stiltze, an undertaker by trade who lives with his mother in someone’s suburbs.
Then one day he woke up and realized that he was not Josephine Baker at all but rather Dianna Ross.
“After all these years it’s quite a relief to know the truth no matter how painful,” said Stilze in a television interview. “I’ve always liked Detroit and I can’t wait to meet the other Supremes.”
– Quartney Pettifogger
Proof: Vietnamese are really Coon Asses too
Political comment in Hoi An?
Food – Not Bombs Bill Killed in House
(Warshington) A controversial Food Not Bombs bill was staunchly defeated in the House today, empowering hawks and leaving sponsors in dismay. In a nutshell the bill would have replaced weaponry with bread.
Although the details were sketchy going in the program would run along the lines of the successful Marshal Plan adopted following the isolation of Berlin in 1946. Instead of dropping bombs the US Air Force would food in rubber bales that would bounce, thus not demolishing at impact on the ground.
USA would be clearly marked on the packages of food wit the hopes that hungry people would see who was feeding them and who was just whistling Dixie in the theater of foreign aid.
“Ain’t no money in feeding people for free,” said a congressman from Kentucky.
“War is profitable.”
Supporters of the bill argue that morally is not the issue here. They insist it is much cheaper to feed people than bomb them with much more desirable results down the road. They add that there are slimmer provisions for corruption and graft. Plus it could be good for our farmers.
“What is this whistling Dixie?”asked a Russian observer attached to the House of Representatives. “We say fart in the cold. Is this the same idea?”
Meanwhile the Corps of Engineers, bridge builders extraordinaire, continues with plans to construct a concrete bridge from Washington to the Great Midwest in hopes of developing a dialogue and maybe encourage cultural exchanges.
Many American farmers. often subsidized by the gov’mernt for not growing food, have long been wary of federal programs wondering aloud who’s knocking down the bowling pins in this program.
“We figure if they’re giving us a shovel of easy money they must be making a truckload,’ said Slim Brennan-Zappa, a dental floss magnate from Germantown, Ohio.
