All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Renaissance Man in Dalat
Ahn Vo Trinh Bien, owner and chef at Artist Alley Restaurant in the Central Highland’s city of Dalat, Vietnam is a painter and musician of note, as well as a former teacher of literature. His gourmet alley eatery resembles Soupcon Bistro in Crested Butte. A little difficult to find the food is worth the search.
Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant
(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds.
He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.
Sightings have become almost commonplace here with reports of this Kentucky Colonel’s intrusions.
“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.
Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as the Colonel are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.
“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”
Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:
“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark. Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”
Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.
“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said.
Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.
“Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for giblet gravy.”
– Gabby Haze
Hell Building Special Chamber for Racists
(Hades) The hammers and saws are singing amid the dirt, the rats and the deplorable heat down here. Crews start at dawn and work far into the night behind closed doors and sagging ceilings. In about three weeks, according to unreliable demons “new tortures will be the featured acts on Saturday Nights.”
For decades evil sources say they have been working on a new concept in the field of morality management. Although no one was talking for fear of retribution, we pieced together a framework of sorts that will greet racists as they enter the hellish gates for eternity. Readers are reminded that no remorse or justice is in play, only the rampant desire to make men miserable.
“We don’t care what kind of animals hess racists are on earth,” said one devil. “We just want to stick them with out pitchforks!”
The actual facility, stainless steel, with no windows or doors will see temperatures into the low 120s. Bad country music, FOX News, plates of Peruvian guano cookies and the smell of freshly cooked Kimchi will flow through the cramped and dangerous halls. Evangelical racists who have earned a lofty spot in the scheme of corporal punishment, will do the cooking and cleaning while torments and agony rage about them. Racists in denial will take out the trash, clean litter boxes, install drywall and wash windows forever.
– Alfalfa Romero
Brits to Leave EU
With the announcement that Great Britain will exit the European Union, military protcol is expected the follow suit.
Reading comprehension #611:
The following is a short test of one’s ability to understand and analyze prose. READ THIS SEGMENT ONLY ONCE OR FACE DISQUALIFICATION AND FORFEIT ALL PRIZE MONEY!
A bear and a rabbit sat on a log deep in the forest. The bear felt a great bowel movement coming on but was out of toilet paper. He turned to the rabbit and asked, “Do you have problems with things sticking to your fur?”
The suspicious rabbit asked why and then scurried away leaving the bear to his own devices, which most likely would have been a bush or some bark. The angry bear muttered, “You just can’t count on those damn rabbits when you need them.”
a.) What did the bear mean by things?
b.) Are bears really all that concerned with personal hygiene?
c.) What happens if a bear, or other hibernating mammal has to poop in the middle of the winter?
d.) Do rabbits and bears actually converse?
e.) Would the bear had been better off just grabbing the rabbit, without all the chatter?
Send your answers to Hunting Editor, San Juan Horseshoe, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. If we use your response on he website we’ll give you a free subscription to the Gladstone Enterprise a free T-shirt from Cahone and a free roll of toilet paper. No phone calls
“I’ve never been. Business is good.”
– Melvin Toole when asked if it wasn’t difficult to be funny these days
“A nation that oppresses another cannot itself be free.”
– unknown
Alpine Hangman to Retire
(Wimpton-on-Uncompahgre) The Ladies Auxiliary of the Old West will host a pie and coffee gathering to honor the infamous Alpine Hangman, who will hang up his noose and hood in December.
Filthy Pierrepoint, the chief executioner for Colorado, Wyoming and Utah assumed the role of circuit rider in order to perform his morbid tasks. He logged more than a million miles on horseback, train and automobile from the mid-Fifties to present. Even in his golden years he never traveled by air saying he was frightened by the whole experience.
In 1977 he served as a guest executioner in Alaska but never warmed up to the Midnight Sun and the months of darkness saying his profession was better suited to the sunrise. Pierrepoint has hosted over 177 hangings since 1956 making him the most prolific hangman in history. Insisting on hemp rope, he scribbled notes on each victim as to neck size, body language and last words.
A former chief of the notorious motorcycle gang, The Sons of Succotash, Pierrepoint saw the light after the Korean War and embraced his current vocation. A longtime Colorado Republican Pierrepoint served as deacon at the Bland Valley’s Blinding Faith Temple and is an avid collector of dead butterflies.
– Fred Zeppelin
“Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation to which the filing system has been lost?” – Quentin Crisp
