All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
UNDER THE TREE ’17
One bothersome tradition that cannot be escaped over the holidays is our annual gift givers guide. We know that many of you are too busy sorting credit card offers, worrying about the economy and watching television to get around to any meaningful shopping for others. That’s why we’ve put together this varied roster of clever, yet functional premiums sure to toast someone’s slippers on Christmas morning. And new in 2017 is San Juan Horseshoe gift insurance which protects the covered receiver from tasteless ties and sweet perfumes. It even contains a clause undressing potential disappointments in the children’s sector as well as worthless knick-knack storage credits for the elderly. Here are the gifts that made the cut…
WATCHED POT PLANT GROWER/INDUCER – Fits over the face like a view-finder or diving mask. Guaranteed to grow healthy house plants in just hours. Halogen light encourages lightening-fast maturity. Effective on everything from tomato plants to sensitive ivies and herbs. Comes with starter set, reversible lenses, carbon-monoxide film, foul weather gear. Why wait for plants to sprout the old way? (Not suggested for Christmas trees or mistletoe. $159.99 at reasonable florists.
ARAB ALLIES SHOWER CURTAIN – Now it’s there, now it’s not. The transparent, anti-microbial, mildew-resistant vinyl-lined shower curtain protects from leakage and wandering eyes. Many come with simulated maps of Mideast tribal boundaries before arrogant European intervention in the 19th Century. Velcro attachments make cleaning a breeze. Simply hose it down. Doubles as a turban or chador in a fashion emergency. Matching prayer rug opens into American or British flag in the event of carpet bombing. $44.95 at Potties-Are-Us and other fine bath boutiques. Be sure to check out the digital toilet paper dispenser display and the revolving chrome toilet seats that few of us will be able to afford to be without this Yuletide.
ED’S RUBBER GARAGE LINER – Developed by local technician who grew tired of running into the garage with his car. Protects all four walls and insulated the electric door too! Somewhat bulky and difficult to apply without rubber tools and rubber hat. Effective against herd animals, drunks and tax assessors. Factory colors sure to match any garage decor. From the outside it looks like a normal garage but from the inside it resembles a cartoon rubber cave complete with windows and animated fossil fuel exhaust. Go ahead…Close your eyes and floor it. You’ll just bounce off! $129.99 at progressive auto supply outlets.
PEEING CHERUB SET – Perfect gift for the nouveau riche on your list. Decadence with a giggle. Classic pose accented by wrought-iron stand. Hand-cast resin statue beautifully detailed. Constant stream of consciousness from the personalized dangling participle. Brass or wicker with ivory-washed finish. Sorry: Matching weather-resistant bird feeder not available in spring. Discount for more than one. Rarely returned, 100% customer satisfaction assured. Movement sensitive lights, security buzzer, remote control directional flow and tinted water optional. $1099.99 at Clone Depots.
VIAGRA JOGGING SUIT – They’ll just have to see you coming with this trademark limited-edition jogging suit from your friends at Viagra. Soft-Corinthian spandex with logo prominently displayed in at least four places on garment. Give someone a leg up this holiday season with fashion that says virility all over it. Available in Okra, burnt cocoa or fire engine red. As advertised on Monday Night Football. $99.99 at athletic clothiers and surviving local pharmacies.
AIRLINE FOOD PROCESSOR/READING LAMP – Perfect for the globe trotter on your lisp. Easy to smuggle past security just to see if you can. Takes all that chemically-packed space food and turns it into an edible survival experience. Simply place unwrapped food items into processor and push button. In moments it kicks out a compact bale or freeze-dried cube that makes an interesting, if not nutritious lunch or dinner. Many experienced high altitude diners use their processor on the ground too since airport food is equally suspicious. Accompanying reading lamp doesn’t work very well but makes a great place to hide miniatures from temperance elements within the attendant population. $35.00 standby.
DEATH OF A SALESMAN PHONE KAZOO/WHISTLE – Everyone must be getting sick and tired of telephone solicitors with flat out amazing offers. Blow them off the line with the patented defense parameter beeping mouth harp. Hits a pitch that only pushy telemarketers can hear. Battery operated and compatible with answering machines so as to blast unwanted callers even when one is not home. Nickel-plated brass, dog hair repellent, easy to store. $31.99 with launcher. Order before December 24 and receive six free Scottish Highland Bagpipe Lessons (a $29 value). Offer good at pontificating merchants only.
MAIL BOX MINE FIELD – Protect yourself and your mail from terrorists this holiday season with the Homeland Security Mail Box Booby Trap Mine Ensemble. Schematic features mining blueprint for up to twenty-five yard circumference. Suited for networking in the neighborhood. Powerful detonator effective with the slightest touch. Combination lock or light sensitive device makes in impenetrable to intruders. Works great on moles, crows and other yard pests. Tests on bear-proof trash cans and child-proof prescription containers pending. $200.00 for expanded explosive selection, fuses and tiny identification camera. Not responsible for damages to rubber garage liners or peeing cherubs.
PATRIOT CELL PHONE – In red, white and blue. Show your support for world domination while you chat away mindlessly with friends and relatives. See-through for technical support maneuvers, caller ID to help round up suspicious citizens who don’t think the right way. Rear-projection device allows for display of U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights on the refrigerator door for those who still read. Vibrator allows for relaxation between calls. Monitoring hookup flashes when device is unplugged. Comes with National Security ID Bow Tie, fog-free blinders and ear plugs, official gov’ment neck weight and neon brain truss which creates up to 20,000 simulated brain impulses per bite. Basic data service: $39.95 per month.
KILLER INSTINCT BRONCO FIELD GOAL TOASTER OVEN – Start a fire under someone this Christmas with the sports appliance that everyone in the press box is talking about. State-of-the-art clock management, conservative quartz elements, choking mechanism prevents burn-out. Heats up great for about 45 minutes then cools off for the fourth quarter. Replaceable quarterbacks complimentary. Perfect for the golf course in January too! Blocks dangerous UV field goals under the lights. $45.99 at sports memorabilia shows nationwide.
COMBINATION TRASH CATAPULT/LITTER BOX FAN/BAGUETTE AIR FRESHENER SYSTEM – It may not be the best gift but it might be the biggest! Let’s start with the trash. Avoid dangerous treks to the garbage quadrant by hurling your debris. Why deal with ice, terrorists and dangerous four-legged predators all winter. Next we discover a handy litter box fan (three speeds) that keeps the odor down even while the cat’s away. If this isn’t strong enough just screw open the top of what looks like a simple loaf of bread and get rid of all other household smells instantly. Warning: Consumers have reported some confusion when using all of these devices simultaneously. Although tragedies are varied no one as yet has been killed. $699.99
TWENTY-THOUSAND LEAGUE BASEBALL MEMORABILIA – Discarded dental floss once used by Reggie Jackson, dirty socks collected from the Milwaukee Brewers’ locker room from 1995-2000 (complete set), a shampoo bottle emptied by a utility infielder who has moved on to the used car business. Too good to be true? Forget the days when players signed autographs for free, and Mantle and Mays roamed the outfield without a financial portfolio. Sod from the Astrodome, Rod Carew’s car seat, paycheck stubs from wrecked Rockies’ starting pitchers, a video rental receipt once thought to be the property to Andres Galaraga. The list goes on. No sports addict can resist! Market price.
RETIREMENT ALARM CLOCK AND STAR WARS LAMPSHADE – Is someone on your shopping list about to take the big plunge into official retirement? Buy them the only alarm clock that not only counts the days until release from occupational bondage but also refuses to go off in the morning. Accompanying turntable base nuclear umbrella lampshade adds a little security to an otherwise frightening future. This gem slices, trims, mulches, waxes, purifies, embalms, soothes, magnetizes, downsizes, fattens, shakes, polishes and engages in a further an assortment of other verbs left over from our pile of notes for this article. $6,000 if the creek rises.
ISIS TRAVEL MIRROR – Why do these people hate us? Take a look for yourself. Framed by 50 years of foreign policy, accentuated by petroleum based distrust and cluttered conflicts the source of which no one cares to remember. Turn the magic dial and the human image will appear as thin as the average Palestinian refugee or the fattened desert prince. Laptop available. $5.2 million.
EVANGELICAL HEARING AIDE – Is someone on your list still talking to the power upstairs? You can insure their clear reception all hours of the day or night with this tiny metaphysical hearing aide from Salvation Optics. Keep the channels open and the message infallible. Comes with translation materials and phrase book in case God prefers to speak in Spanish or Arabic. Non-transferable. One size fits all. $300,000. Financing available at most righteous electronic outlets.
FOR YOUR PET: This year sees a myriad of new products for our fur-bearing buddies. Probably the most impressive are the expanded collection of doggie tattoos and the runway car loader for fat dogs and cats. The pine beetle lattice talking elk head is another fine choice. It is sure to keep Rover or Kitty busy for hours upon end! Many of these diamonds in the rough are available locally. Prices depend on tightness of leash laws and what side of the door you’re on.
FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, the reader, we ran out of time and space. Sorry we couldn’t review the VOICE-ACTIVATED DINGY, the perfect gift for the Yachtie; or the KING TUT GUITAR CASE, a genuine sarcophagus of King Tutankhamen. Likewise the SOFT DRINK CERAMIC TILE GROUT DISPENSER, nor the already best selling “History of Hot Dogs” and “Photographing Bedroom Furniture” will receive the deserved notoriety of the season. We didn’t like the FISH HEAD CHARM BRACELET currently being pushed on Pee-Bay or the WORLD’S FAVORITE SIREN ENSEMBLES that the Salivation Army is selling. In Closing: The breakthrough MARTINI PILLS do work. If you’re just too busy to catch a buzz this season try one. They can be a great stress reliever but easy on the vermouth if you please.
Melvin “Hard Candy” O’Toole
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR WINOS
A hardly sensitive guide to buying for these special people
The holiday season places a heavy burden on our scarce organizational resources. The simple task of evaluating holiday invitations and culling those that do not seem to involve free alcohol, coupled with the tragic choices presented when more than one well-oiled affair will occur simultaneously, is quite enough to drive one to the local for a splash or two of respite.
No task, however, so beleaguers one as the daunting prospect of gift shopping for that special wino that we all seem to have on our holiday gift list. Of course we know exactly what type of gift will scream “open me first” on that magic morning. We so hope however to do more. We hope to enrich the life our wino friend without encumbering his or her enviable lifestyle. This modest guide is intended to assist in the difficult process of shopping for the person who needs nothing.
Start by eliminating those many popular gifts for which a wino has no use. A clock radio is a good example. In fact anything that needs to be plugged in is right out. Very few bridges have outlets underneath them. Cologne or after-shave may seem to be an appropriate gift, however, mixing perfume with a wino’s natural odors may induce vomiting and if they read the label and discover the alcohol content they will invariably drink it which will also induce vomiting and perhaps blindness since it is the wrong type of alcohol. Also forget about any item that can be easily pawned.
The obvious result is that your wino friend will only realize the discounted value of the gift while some pawnbroker will receive the lion’s share of value. A cash gift is often appropriate, but too large of a cash gift will inexorably inure to the benefit of those who prey on winos and or be squandered immediately in an unholy binge benefiting merchants and other winos more than the object of your generosity. Anything not easily carried will be of little use to the wino. Few winos have access to any kind of reliable storage, and once out of sight the item will most likely be forgotten and abandoned.
Anything that would be highly coveted by other street people such as gang members is not a wise gift. Gold chains, boom-boxes, Air-Jordans and Raiders jackets are bad, even dangerous gifts for winos. A little bit of common sense will save you the needless embarrassment and wasted expenditure for a gift that will do your favorite wino very little good.
Now, how to find out what your wino friend wants and needs. An obvious approach is to consider the subject while buying a drink for your wino friend. Examine his or her costume for items that obviously need replacement.
Keep in mind that many winos become irrationally attached to certain items of clothing and you should determine if that is the case by pointing out the item and asking them how they feel about it. If they don’t tell you a long and incomprehensible story about it they probably don’t care. Pay special attention during those quiet moments when your wino friend goes into soliloquy. Many winos reveal their deepest wants and needs while talking to themselves.
Even if delirious, your wino friend can often point you in the right direction. Bartenders are also a valuable resource in your quest for the appropriate gift. Not only are bartenders quite likely to have overheard the monologues and conversations of your wino friend, but long hours of interaction and one-to-one contacts while breaking up fights or when extending invitations to vacate premises provide bartenders with revealing information about winos.
Another good source of information is the liquor store where your wino friend’s social security disability check is mailed.
These good merchants can not only tell you what kind of liquid refreshment your wino friend favors, but can also inform you based on their frequent contacts and conversations with your wino friend. Winos often reveal their fondest and innermost desires to liquor store clerks, since they always feel safe and at home in their favorite liquor store.
Finally, you can talk to the local constables who often know your wino friend quite well. While such public servants can often be insensitive and crass with their opinions of what your friend might need, they can just as well be quite insightful and are therefore worthy of your inquiries.
When executing your holiday purchases for winos be practical. Very few winos are the type of snobs who examine boxes and labels for prestigious stores and brand names. Army surplus merchandise is often not only the most economical choice, but from a practical standpoint, is often of appropriate quality so as not to make your wino friend feel out of place when interacting with colleagues. Items that can be hosed off rather than laundered are always much more convenient for winos. Dry cleaning is not a practical requirement for wino attire. Do not get hung up on tradition.
It is neither necessary to wrap gifts to winos, nor is it reasonable to expect them to not open till Christmas. Winos live in the here and now. If an item is of use to them they need it now. Liquid gifts should also be practical. Most of the favored wino refreshments (fortified wines, cheap rum and malt liquor) are available in plastic 1/2 pints, pints and quarts.
Larger bottles are impractical (except in the case of malt liquor which is consumed on the spot), and may even injure your wino friend during falls. Plastic bottles also eliminate the heartbreak that can occur when a valued gift is lost through breakage. Gifts of food should not require special opening appliances, like can openers, which may be unavailable and or may injure your wino friend. Food gifts should also be very rich in protein, fat and calories since food is a rare treat for many winos and should be as nourishing as possible.
In summary, gift shopping for winos can be a rewarding experience, both for you and the wino. Don’t worry about making a mistake since winos rarely remember where they got things anyway. The warmth and good cheer of the holiday season is always enhanced when you feel you have done something to help your good friends. Most importantly, sit (or fall) down and enjoy a drink with your wino friends who always provide a cheerful perspective on life since they quite simply know what is important and how to have a good time.
– Dwin “King” Hevaway
“There’s no money in feeding the poor yet your Bible tells you to do just that.”
– from The Crusader’s Dilemma by Dieter Upanishads
Toole assertion of sexual indiscretions reaches climax
Ageless scribe, Melvin Toole (102), has released his final hit list of women who allegedly made sexual advances and in some cases groped him in 2017. Included are Jessica Alba, Emma Watson, Penelope Cruz, Eva Longoria and Cameron Diaz.
Most of the women on Toole’s preposterous roster chose not to comment on the development while several lashed out.
”He sat there at Matteo’s in his too tight paisley pants,” said Cameron Diaz, laughing at the accusation. “Wrapped up tightly in a sweat shop Gap hoodie and matching sweat socks, representing everything I don’t look for in a partner.”
Toole scoffed at the reaction saying she does not remember a night back in either August or December when the two met at a fundraiser for Jerry Brown. The list goes on:
“Jessica Simpson, Megan Fox and Katy Perry acted inappropriately toward me in the summer. I hate being used, being seen as simply sexy and nothing more,” whined Toole. “I thought it was just a coincidence that these women had become aggressive. Then I realized they were networking and bragging about their exploitation techniques. How insensitive…How cavalier!”
One of those under the microscope, Kim Kardashian said, “I only had lunch with him because he had secured a table at Miceli’s. Having been warned as to the development of his table manners I wore a raincoat. Nothing kinky, just something I could easily launder after the meal was completed.”
Jenifer Lopez, Carrie Underwood, Anna Ivanovic…the list goes on. One well-known model from Apalachicola, who demanded anonymity, echoed the responses of the others.
“I once watched at him talking to himself across the largest plaza in South America and that was too close for me. These charges are ludicrous and I think most rational people understand this.”
“He’s a witless moron,” said “Selena Gomez who was not yet on the lust list at news deadline. “None of these woman would come close enough to that bozo to sign an autograph much less engage in misconduct.”
For more turn to Penis Inquisition Grows as more politicians and celebrities are accused of making improper advances toward others.
Horseshoe Open 24 Hours Over Holidays
Ouray) The San Juan Horseshoe will extend its normal hours for the December holidays. In a departure from closing when the sun goes down, the paper will keep its doors opened “all day and all night” so as to accommodate last minute shoppers, thirsty travelers and persons looking to get a last minute bet down before football shifts into fourth gear.
“We had to look long and hard at the possibility of staying open,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from his cat-bird seat high above Box Canyon Falls. “The light bill is bad enough just operating during regular business hours. We need the butter and egg money just to get us to 2018,” he explained.
A hastily constructed reception desk will be manned by illegal aliens and other state risk suspects recently picked up by a Homeland Security sweep through the local Wal-mart parking lot.
“They’re a shifty bunch,” quipped Horseshoe, “but its next to impossible to get good help this time of the year.”
The Horseshoe offices affected are located adjacent to the Camp Bird turn-off south of town, and across from the Wimpton Mental Health Clinic in the Edith Bunker National Forest. A full Irish breakfast will be served.
– Phillip E. Bustier
Everyone will be 7 feet tall by 2050
Vertical Grant Allows Study
(Tiny Town) Researchers here insist that they have uncovered evolutionary patterns that will result in a much taller populace by the middle of the next century. Tracing their methodology to the ancient ones who once roamed this canyon, and submerging it with the tendency of children to tower over their parents, the scientists predict an average height of about 7 to 8 ft. tall.
“This will change everything,” said Melvin Toole, professor emeritus at the conveniently located Littleton Academy of Applied Genealogy. “Everything, from basketball hoops to door jams will have to be jacked up. The compact cars of the Nineties will give way to the colossal automotive dinosaurs of the Fifties and Sixties,” he stressed. “Basketball players will have to be more than tall to demand the incredible salaries of today, while second story windows will have to be raised to insure the privacy of dwellers. Mountains will look smaller to visitors and the tourism industry will suffer.”
Although Toole and his colleagues have been firing off projections like arrogant drunks at a side-show shooting gallery, they have offered no evidence that any tests have been conducted regarding this pressing matter. Upon examination, reporters found only mounds of empty pizza boxes and beer cans in what Toole referred to as his laboratory. One small room was crammed full of five and 10 dollar bills, apparently rat-holed from government grants. Outside of a ramshackle bunkhouse, where Toole’s support team is supposedly housed, stands a rough sculpture of two men. One is disproportionately tall and the other appears to be a dwarf. Toole refused to comment on the sculpture, saying it was “part of his secretive research and a matter of national security.”
“Any implication that federal funds have been misappropriated here in Tiny Town is an affront to the entire scientific community here in Jefferson County,” gasped Toole. “You might just as well accuse our boys over at Rocky Flats of lying about contamination levels, or the brave men and women at the Fed Center of stretching their daily coffee breaks!”
Most of the people invited to tour the research facility seemed confused as to what was being accomplished here. Many reporters simply laughed, shook their syndicated heads and drove back to Denver unable to file a story at all.
“You’ll all be sorry!” screamed Toole at the top of his lungs as the last of the press vehicles peeled out of his paltry parking lot. “They didn’t believe Marconi…or Copernicus either! And those boys were operating on their own money!”
-Yankee Doodle
“My country right or wrong: if right, to be kept right; and if wrong , to be set right.”
– Senator Carl Schurtz, of Missouri, 1876
Endurance Test #611
“I’ve saved almost $6679 on razor blades
“I’ve saved almost $6679 on razor blades since I broke from consumerism in 1990.”
– Ernie Leftzone, former highway superintendent, turned facial hair enthusiast.
Ernie knows. Let creativesurvivalist.com help you achieve bunker nirvana this week! We tell you what vegetables to grow by candlelight, how to avoid getting ripped off when purchasing toilet paper, where to get free air, when to harvest sea urchins for a little pocket money and who to trust during the stimulating days that lie ahead.
Be like Ernie and pocket a bundle for whiskey and cigars!