All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
First cell phone implant at Mao Clinic
The first-ever surgical cellphone implant procedure has been completed with doctors and hospital officials here calling it a great success. The controversial methods employed are still under review although the patient seems to be up and moving around.
The modus operandi involves making a small incision near the eyelid and installing the software. After that phase is completed the cellular device is loaded from the back of the skull where another cut is made along the tissue seams and under the hairline.
“The process may cause some lingering pain and adventures in vertigo but for the most part we are pleased with early detections and pre-op discoveries, Said Dr. Phillip Lackluster of Mao Clinic. “Sure the surgery is exploratory but what isn’t these days? I’ll tell you, when it was over, I felt like Superman coming out of the phone booth,” he said alluding to tele- communicative ancient history.
Already three of the nation’s largest communications companies have offered unlimited minutes if the still unidentified recipient will endorse their product. It was not clear what type of plan might be constructed or what other arrangements will be necessary to create a strong signal while expanding the calling area.
Lackluster then told The Horseshoe that convenience appears to have won out over natural health.
“It’s all a bit messy at this stage but we hope to improve our skills as we go,” explained the surgon. “The demand for this medical procedure is growing as we speak. Our test case may feel a little nausea and some cramping for a few weeks but it is unlikely that he will miss any phone calls.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
99 House Republicans Beach Selves
In what is being called instinctual suicide, 99 House Republicans beached themselves on a remote spot off the coast of North Carolina this morning. The former legislators began arriving at dawn, hurling themselves out of the breaking waves and onto the waiting sand.
Gasping for air and exhausted the fat ones expired first, followed by the young firebrands. Soon slippery, flipping bodies littered the area, prompting law enforcement officials to call for cranes and bulldozers to aid in the clean-up. Onlookers, some of who voted Republican in the last election expressed shock and awe on the scene.
The action represents the first time politicians have ended their existence en masse and Washington insiders say it is only the beginning. Many frightened Democrats had threatened to join the beaching but were afraid of the water and stayed away. The rescue effort and clean up were hampered due to polluted waters. Republicans blamed to EPA.
“Good people do not beach themselves,” said one unreliable source who demanded animosity.
“We haven’t conducted business since 2008, quacked a surviving Congressman from Colorado. “It was apparent last month that something was in the wings but we didn’t expect mass destruction.
GOP leaders, including Trump, Pence, Ryan, Sessions and McConnell promised to go down with the boys but reneged at the last moment, whisking off to Florida in an unmarked jet. That leaves a Democrat majority in the lower governing body.
Empty Congressional seats will be filled with sandbags until a special election can be held.
“We have 99 replacements set to replace them but the damned Communist Constitution will not allow it,” said a Trump Whitehouse spokesman who blamed Obama for the incident.
The news comes on the heels of an announcement that The Concussion Rule will not be activated anytime soon and will apply only to Senate.
– Pepper Salte
An Bang kitchen
Linger a while in the shade and the tropical breeze. Somone is sure to make a scruptious noodle dish before long.
Colona Faces Another Summer With No Gov’ment
With just 17 months to go to go before another meaningless and expensive election charade, Colona is still without local gov’ment.
Colona, Colorado in the shadows of the San Juans is, still without local gov’ment. “Whatever shall we do?” say residents who, as of this morning, have yet to petition for state of federal intervention.
Agreeing that “Colona is a town that is not in need of leadership,” quad-mayoral candidates are lining up then sitting back down. Voters here are expected to vote to firmly against any legislative changes in the county’s third largest burgh. Most say they hope to go on with daily pleasantries unburdened by town gov’ment.
“Does anyone here understand how much $ it takes to feed even one small gov’ment?” asked one resident. “We have been taking care of ourselves for many decades here and don’t need local government officials skimming off the top.”
The Colonese have continued the practice of paying taxes to each other. In an attempt to prepare for a potential landing by a ruling body they say the drill keeps them alert and “provides a little pocket money”.
“I don’t mind tithing with my neighbors,” said one resident. “He’ll probably just grow sqash with it and give me some at harvest.”
Meanwhile a suspicious shipment of whitewash, in crates marked USA , was delivered Friday. Many fear it is the beginning of the end to glorius yet phantom and absent self-autonomy.
“Government is like going out on a date with Ayn Rand and asking who will do the driving,” said someone or the other.
– Melvin Tululu
Donald, Mickey Beaten Near Sorbonne
(Toulon, France — Plastic Fantastic News –April 8, 2017)
Angry French students, fearful that the south of France will become another Orange County, attacked two Disney stalwarts here last night. Not seriously injured, the two icons remain quite shaken, after an attack in a peaceful country.
Police say a Donald Duck and a Mickey Mouse were cheated and released at the Of-All-the-Gaul Hospital and sped to the Parisian Latin Quarter and safe housing. The attacks appear related to a growing concern on the part of French progressives that the Disney Corporation would destroy the countryside and harm French culture while turning their country into a theme park.
Another park, began in 1992, has swallowed up vast portions of Gallic countryside near Paris. The city dwellers resent American attempts to import more plastic while French farmers are mad that excellent agricultural land is being turned into a parking lot for witless entertainment seekers.
“It is a carbuncle on the behind of France!” shouted one pissed off farmer. “This land has been farmed since Charlemagne!”
“Who is this Charlemagne? A new Disney character?” asked one resident who is anxious for the theme park to open.
The above farmer adds that his family has been running cows on an adjacent piece of property since around 1350. He says the Yankee dollar has no place in his country and the Yankee taste has even less an invitation.
“We sent them Miss Liberty and they send us rats and ducks,” continued the farmer referring presumably to the recuperating cartoons.
Police have no leads as to the assailants who they say may have been angry that the nation has been twice rescued by American armies in the 20th Century.
“I have no love for these mindless opportunists but I abhor violence,” said Marie LaVoude, a longtime pencil salesman on the Left Bank of the Seine. “If we allow this kind of behavior to go unpunished soon no cartoons will be safe. It will be like living Italy where cartoons can no longer go out in the daylight.”
LaVoude claims that three of the most brutal attackers were dressed as Charles DeGaulle, Napoleon and Maurice Chevalier respectively, which further substantiates fears that new right-wing blowback is brewing. Recent anger toward Muslim and African colonials living in France is also a concern.
“The US is still dealing with its legacy of slavery and we’re dealing with our colonial sins,” said LaVoude.
This is the second such incident in the French capital involving cartoon personalities. The first occurred when Elmer Fudd was slapped around while out hunting near Versailles in May and again while leaving the opera northwest of Louvre in March.
“And I’m not weawy a Disney cawacture,” peeped Fudd. “I’m just heaw hunting wabbit.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“If de land make you too hot, jump into de sea.”
– common advice on the island of Carriacou
North Dakotans protest deunionization
(Bismarck) Plans to kick the state of North Dakota out of the Union came up against rigid protest today as a mob of over three people demonstrated outside the United States embassy here. The sweeping plan, endorsed wholeheartedly by this newspaper, seemed to have been gaining support until an ugly little incident on the banks of the Missouri, which saw two armed camps about to go for the throat,
Proponents of the banishment feel that North Dakota doesn’t do anything and that it is tediously flat.
“It just sits up there collecting dust,” said one Rapid City (South Dakota) man who says his state needs a common border with both Manitoba and Saskatchewan. “We tried to dissolve former boundaries and form one Dakota but the power brokers in Minot squashed that idea. Now it’s war!”
Other civic groups in Eastern Montana feel much the same way.
“We resent the prevalent attitude up in North Dakota, you know, that they’re better than everyone else,” said one Montanan. “Plus the place is a mess. There’s corn lying around and old cars everywhere. Did you ever visit one of those cute little crossroads communities? Bar…church…bar…church…How boring.”
The North Dakotese shoreline below the dangerous Straights of Haggis
Officials in Washington DC are at odds over the proposal since they have never really kicked a state out of the Union.
“Our ancestors endured a five-year war to keep the South from taking a hike back in the 1860s,” said one Congressman. “It seems ludicrous to go out of our way to ban North Dakota from further participation in our affairs. Most of the residents there are honest, hard working taxpayers,” she said. “It’s just a few loafers that spoil things for the majority.”
Another senator suggested that North Dakota should be put under house arrest until the matter is resolved in the quarts.
“What are we going to do? Kick North Dakota out and bring Puerto Rico into the fold?” he frowned. “It may well come to that since we’ve already got all these flags printed with 50 stars and all.”
In a nationwide survey, conducted by ham radio, some 88% of all Americans would prefer that North Dakota joined Russia or Canada or just brought its pathetic road show elsewhere. Emotions currently run high although no real violence has been reported at press time.
– Rocky Flats
