All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Ridgway Implements 3 mph Speed Limit
The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a three-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the local post office.
Responding to safety and quality of life concerns, the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.
No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of rush hour traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of labor and higher wages promised in the high country.
With more cars comes more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, along with turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. The old main street has been cosmetically realigned to accommodate more business and services.
“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has such a low mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they just will go away.”
One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel. Meanwhile state officals secretly hope Ridgway will just go away.
“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.
The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.
– Small Mouth Bess
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Indians Gearing Up For Final Thrust
(Wounded Knee — Taholah (Washington) Times — July 17, 2017)
Thousands of Native Americans, donned in war paint, are massing for one final assault into the heartland of White America. Warriors from the Lakota, Ute, Comanche, Nez Perce and Apache Nations made of the bulk of the force.
Rumors circulating many western state capitals warn that the group may have access to nuclear weapons and that they plan to recover the land that was taken from them beginning in the 1600s.
“We’ve been planning this maneuver since around 1890,’ said a tribal spokesman. “The government figured we’d cease to exist or assimilate along the way. Neither has turned out to be true.”
Sources here on the Quinault Reservation are predicting victories in Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana thanks to an engrained knowledge of the terrain. In Wyoming, Colorado Utah and New Mexico, the elevation is the Indian ally as warriors swoop down on the visiting flatland armies with the might of the Great Spirit in their tomahawks, according to a press release.
“We will refrain from the European practice of taking scalps and will not harm anyone who surrenders,” said the source. “Then with control of the high country we can repel and counteroffensive by the forces of Manifest Destiny. They must remember: We might have “the big one” stashed in our wigwam or under a loincloth. One never knows, does one?”
– Pahoo
“The world keeps ending but new people, too dumb to know it keep showing up as if the fun’s just started.” – John Updike
Well what are we waiting for?
Thanks to Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine
Free Gas For Tourists Plan Unpopular
(Denver UPS) Colorado businessmen are skeptical of the Noise-Noise Gasoline Subsidy Amendment according to poll takers at the capital. The amendment sponsored by brothers Oral and Rectal Noise, both Colorado senators, calls for state aid to visiting tourists in the form of gasoline.
“If we can offer to pay the tourist’s way to the state,” commented Oral, we can assure ourselves of another record breaking tourist season.”
Advertising campaigns are planned to hit the June publications of National Geographic, National Enquirer and National Lampoon. “We’re looking for the national audience,” said Rectal. “Maybe we can get a network to pick up the story.”
The cost of the program would be “alarming” according to one member of the Colorado House.
“It’s just like so many other bills sponsored by the Noises. They keep pecking away at you with all their neurotic little hand movements and keep you in suspense waiting for the punch line that never comes.”
Most Colorado legislators and business groups are skeptical of the bill.
“Where does the honorable senator expect to get the funds for a program like this?” asked one visiting gasoline attendant specialist from Helena, Montana.
Noise was unavailable for comment but has hinted that the state could charge one dollar for a glass of water between June and October.
This looks like the second defeat in a row for the senator from Uranus, Colorado as his bill to award the highway road kill maintenance contract to various fast food concerns was soundly defeated in November. He is currently being investigated for alleged meetings with Russian officials over asphalt maintenance and chuckhole counseling in rural Colorado and Utah in 2016.
– Rudy Wanderlust
