All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"

Uncompahgre a Ute Hippie Word?

The Uncompahgre Valley in summer. Long-held views claim that the often difficult word Uncompahgre means bitter water, although recent idiomatic research suggests otherwise. Thousands of Ute Hippies once roamed these mountains back before the white folks and the mad work ethic showed up in the 1870s. Living in teepees, hunting with horses and dancing around campfires, the Ute Nation had a language distinct from most Rocky Mountain tribes favoring a dialect spoken by the Aztec Hippies. Young Ute warriors were much influenced by Apache punk bands and considered the Navajo to be “weak-kneed posers” according to the scant evidence that exists. Uncompahgre also relates to the feeling of well-being derive from thermal soaks and horse racing.

GOP Bad Tippers

Despite billions raised for Trump re-election campaign Republicans bad tippers say servers in DC.

Ten percent is almost unheard of, unless the benevolent patrons are drunk or they are trying to impress. They usually pick up the tab in the spotlight then leave little or nothing for the service. The actions are often embarrassing even to their often-flawed children, who too are instructed in the fine art of knife and fork elitism and condescending treatment of wait personnel.

“Where on this menu does it instruct or even remotely suggest I leave money under my saucer?” asked one representative from way out of town. “Leaving money on the table is so crude, so gauche.

“Then on top of it all these self-absorbed twits want separate checks. It’s an endemic infection within the elected species,” chimed in a waitperson from Foggy Bottom. “These are the kind that would pick up a dime off the men’s room floor and immediately bite it to see if it’s made from real silver.”

Social scientists conclude that the tightfisted behavior originated in the governing chambers where Republican congressmen vote to give that legislative body systematic raises, but stop short of supporting an increase in the minimum wage, fair housing postulates and programs for the poor.

“It’s not about the money. It’s about control,” said one Baltimore sociologist. “We see a combination of hoarding and stinginess with a big scoop of privilege (white or other primary colors).  It’s as if they think they are getting one over on the waitperson by not leaving even minimal gratuity.”

Others suffer from Andrew Carnegie Syndrome where they feel compelled to throw a few patriarchal scraps to their underlings just as long as they fully understand the pecking order, avert their gaze, bow their heads and keep to their place.

“Imagine spending less than one percent of your earnings and having them build statues in your honor,” laughed a bartender from Petworth. “That’s a pretty good return on the legacy dollar.”

And of course there are the politicians from simpleton backwaters who just don’t comprehend  the concept of tipping. Here are some curious, though common responses of Republicans when asked what they think of sharing a tip or any perquisites related to dining out:

1. “They get too much already.”

2. “Paying for the food is enough. The service is an expected duty not an add on after the final burp.”

3. “Every sitting member of Congress gets by without tips. Why can’t they?”

4. “Jesus never tipped, even at the Last Supper. It says so in the Bible.”

5. “I’ve seen the restaurant types, these foodie hipsters, these six-top vagabonds in action. They’ll just use the money for drugs.”

Many eateries in the nation’s capital have refused service to GOP patrons and promise to continue to boycott them until they develop a little heart. Landmark restaurants say are still uncertain of what action to take if any, since most don’t expect the Republican Party to survive much past November anyway.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

COLORADO UNMASKED

Baked News – America on the Boil

Our beloved president has quashed his previous politicization of medical masks saying all Americans should now wear masks in public and that the virus will get worse before it gets better. That’s quite a shift from the bean salesman. But while many of us wait in apprehension for further management of the crisis one local ophthalmologist seeks to clear the air.

“Nobody told you to wear a blindfold. Blinders are never a substitute for medical masks” says Dr. Constance Junctivitus. “Just open your eyes and the black and white evaporates and it all fades to gray. Distractions and the power grab are in fourth gear.”

Meanwhile a severe brain drain is on the horizon as the US falls further into a dark culture where corruption dictates and justice weeps. Academic pursuits are flimsy and plastic in most cases and demeaned in the intellectually challenged circles. According to palpable statistics many intellectuals, teachers and journalists, targeted as the enemy of the people, have reportedly entertained the possibility of leaving the country or even the planet.

“Good,” say an assortment of frightened, pseudo-spiritual, xenophobic, sound-byte recipients, who are transforming our nation into a safe landing for ignorance. They are happily waltzing down the autocratic path, turning any hope of peace and justice into a travesty with assault weapons, manufactured freedom and swastikas.

“The crisis is only exacerbated by the Coronavirus, continued Junctivitus. “While the worship of ignorance is the culprit it spreads fear, circulating hate as an airborne pollutant. A person doesn’t need bifocals to see what’s going on around us.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Free Pot May Supplement Sociable Security

(Old Maid Mine) Legislators meeting here in closed door sessions this month have drafted a plan that would offer free marijuana to retirees living in Ouray County. The complementary herb would be given to anyone currently entitled to Social Security benefits.

Over the past decade the number of those qualifying for economic guarantees has skyrocketed leaving coffers alarmingly low on funds and prompting officials to seek other means to placate the aging population. Although marijuana is technically illegal in many other locales, law makers here appear convinced that pettiness and blind-eye legality are the least of their concerns.

“We just pass a law or two that allows anyone over 65 or so immunity from prosecution, “said one legislator who demanded animosity. “Cultivating this cash crop will not only help make the golden years more enjoyable but will provide agricultural jobs for the landed peasantry and allow us expanded means of keeping our books in the black.”

According to the hastily formatted blueprint people who qualify for benefits at 62 will receive lower grade marijuana than those who opt to wait until they are 66 to collect the stipend. Those waiting longer will reap larger harvests of locally grown kind bud.

“We hope that this will encourage recipients to wait just a little bit longer to begin collecting. Who knows? The entire program could then be expanded to include all citizens where the herb could be taxed and the profits, after administrative costs of course, could be pumped back into the system thus rescuing our sacred institutions from bankruptcy.”

“One of our more progressive congressmen is set to sponsor a bill just as soon as the opinion polls have come in,” said one proponent of the action. “We expect the response in the House to be favorable and later much the same in the Senate when elected officials have ample time to consider the pros and cons of the measure.”

Most state officials, meanwhile, say privately that any bill to legalize marijuana will pass easily and balance the books over at the Sociable Security Administration.

“Fiscal priorities have always taken precedence over perceived morality,” said the legislator, “at least that’s how it’s been going in this country since 1782.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Reporter’s Briefing in Purgatory Alarms Ecclesiastics

Melvin O’Toole’s brief sojourn to Purgatory, (not to be confused with Paraguay) was not planned. Like a lot of other metaphysical marvels it kind of just kinda fell out of the sky, or at least he did.

The mysterious and proverbial holding tank, reputedly a place that accommodates souls not exactly eligible for heaven but not quite damned to hell, does not accept drop-ins and has no patience for the growing number of lost spirits seeking reconciliation before moving on to a more stable eternity.

“When Toole popped in we were engaged in a game of darts and we needed a target,” said a longtime gatekeeper in the misty fog that covers the impenetrable lakes and marshes doubling as access paths and roadways in or out of the intermediate state of existence.

“He was perfect in that he was round, moved slowly and didn’t seem to mind the darts bouncing off him,” said the gatekeeper. “He probably thought it was part of the purification process or the cleansing before he moved on.”

During the entire outing O’Toole kept his eyes open and his mouth shut. Somewhat hesitant to describe his experience upon return, he focused on visible impacts such as the countless car washes that pepper the spotless landscape.

“I was held in the reception area for over two hours while they decided what to two with me,” O’Toole said. “It looked like a corporate-induced buffet breakfast nook at a generic interstate motel where everyone grabs and chows down on USDA recommended chemicals for the day. No personality whatsoever. No one talks to each other.”

Since I was flying standby I did not even receive a welcome kit. The attendants laughed when I politely asked: “Where to next? I have a voucher from one of the airlines that lists my final destination as heaven”

In a related piece aliens from thirteen different celestial bodies and six galaxies have asked that earthlings stay where they are until they resolve glaring inadequacies that threaten to destroy their social experiments once and for all.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Senator Backpedals on Tattoo Cure

(Washington) Senator Paula Parvenu is in full denial this morning after seemingly compromising herself over claims that tattoos could cure Coronavirus-19.

“I never said that, said Parenu. It’s fake news.”

Clinging to her renunciation even after her original statement was blasted all over the media just two days ago, the senator said the TV footage and taped recordings were the work of anarchists who hate America.”

“How could tattoos heal anything?” she smiled. “I don’t have a one and I am healthy.”

On Saturday the US Department of Health dismissed claims that tattoos might be effective in combating some viruses as idle chatter with no bearing on reality. Leading tattooists concur, adding that the younger age of the average tattoo enthusiast is definitely in their favor.

Many within Parvenu’s constituency are familiar with brain gas and intellect explosions common to her shaky tenure. They see the current bedlam as just another hoax like the GOP tax cuts and Donald Trump’s spiritual commitment.

-Fred Zeppelin