All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Trump Admits Series of Failures in First Term
In a departure from previous disclosures the president confirms
a few of the dangling annoyances of the past four years.
Got real fat
They still like Obama better
Impeachment was like another bankruptcy only public
Hair and tan aren’t fooling anyone
Couldn’t even legally beat Hillary Clinton
“A Little Common Sense” with Molly Miracle
Keeping flies* out by closing windows
With fly season upon us any of my readers have asked me how I maintain such a beautiful, obsessive- compulsive fly-free domicile. Well it’s easy if you just follow the basic instructions taped or stenciled on the bottom of your Federal ID Number.
Flies, like humans are attracted to food. Therefore it makes sense to cut off their access to the loot or their primeval passing zones, which often materialize as doors and windows. Many people use screens or other protective devices. Others simply close the openings or obstructions.
Flies and other insects operate on instinct. Their behavior is swiftly manifested on daily survival that could land right on top of your potato salad or fresh-baked cherry pie. Show them that a rational being can outwit them by the employment of simple reason.
*and most other insects
Secretary of Navy Blamed for Trump Parade Fiasco
Trump Dunk Claims Five Sunken Craft on Lake Travis
(Austin, TX) It is now old news that a nautical parade of boats on Lake Travis near here failed to hold water Saturday. The flotilla, in support of Donald Trump’s reelection, saw five boats sink according to the Travis County Sheriff’s Department.
The loss of the vessels is only the latest in a rough week for the orange golfing president who has yet to confirm a likely shakeup over the incident. Inside sources at the White House told POX News that the president might replace Kenneth J Braithwaite, the recently appointed Secretary of the Navy.
“He is looking for someone to take the heat and divert attention from his ridiculous supporters,” said a Texas congressman who is not overweight and does not have orange hair. “Whether he’ll make a scene so close to the election is not clear.”
Rumors suggest that Trump would replace the current secretary with Jared Kushner or another cold-blooded, warm body until the dust settles.
Detractors laughingly suggested that global warming affected the weather conditions said to be quite calm at the beginning of yet another clown act by the Trump base.
“Maybe God did it,” said another rescue worker. “It could be that he doesn’t like these kinds of humans. Can higher powers see through the idiocy? At least 45 didn’t blame Barrack Obama for the mishap, as has often been the pattern.”
One of the rescued vessels sat for two days at the bottom of the lake. “It’s US and Trump flags still waved underwater” according to the local newspaper.
“Weather conditions on Lake Travis were calm. When a large number of boats began moving together, the wakes generated large waves in areas where participating boats were dense,” the sheriff’s office said.
“They got caught up in wake-generated waves in excess of what their boats could handle,” said TCSO
The status of the current Secretary of the Navy, or quite possibly his replacement, was not known at press time.
-Gabby Haze
Midterms out Friday
(Heaven) The academic gods have reportedly finished grading papers, posting test scores and charting positive and negative behavior in the classroom. Homo Sapiens has maintained a low C drifting into high D…never complete failure but likewise only recording spotty, clumsy lunges into the A and B zones.
“Many of the poorly performing students could flunk out and be washed away like paper boats in a hurricane,” said Greta Grippe, recently appointed Czar of Education in states still loyal to the government in Washington.
“At least the comprehension gurus ain’t talking final exams,” said Grippe. “Now that would be disturbing.”
In a related story local man Melvin Q Toole and two female companions have been arrested for handing out maps to the local library. Police deny the action saying the trio has been detained for its own protection.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
“However, Plaintiff in good conscience cannot allow his music to be used as a ‘theme song’ for a divisive, un-American campaign of ignorance and hate.” – attorney for Neil Young in copyright infringement lawsuit against Trump Reelection Campaign.
Who’s been eating my tomatoes?
Rogue raiders are munching on my garden by moonlight while I fritter away the early hours, just feet from the crime scene. One would think my alleged snoring would keep them at bay. I never had this problem when I grew cannabis with my fruit and vegetables.
People tell me it’s raccoons, which makes sense considering the fact that the tomatoes were surgically removed with no sign of a struggle. The prize was stolen without upsetting so much as a leaf but I noticed some chewed stalk ends, probably compliments of my resident mule deer named Eduardo after a Uruguayan friend who loves roasted venison.
Nothing else has been taken. My peppers are fine and my green onions are untouched. They just want my tomatoes. I even left them some Olathe Sweet Corn that had been nibbled down to the stalk but still had the aroma. They ignored it. May they burn in raccoon hell, if in fact they are raccoons at all. It could be marauding badgers.
And let’s not take the easy route here by blaming the birds. Yes, the hummingbirds are attracted to bright, red tomatoes but they only hover. The newly arrived magpies don’t seem interested either. The doves are too timid and the hawks busy hunting for meat, not greens and reds. Maybe it’s rodents or a trekking bruin.
Last night I slept in a lawn chair with shotgun across my lap, then at 3 am I heard something creeping around but it was only a mule deer quite content to eat from my apple trees. Chow down. I have lots of apples. It’s the tomato slaughter that has intruded into my very dreams. Note: Get some sleep tonight.
I wrapped floodlights around a nearby tree and poured cayenne around the plot. Now I have bad hip-hop music set to go on at the smallest provocation. It will wake up my neighbors but I don’t like them anyway. There. The hoses are rigged, buckets in the trees and baited traps everywhere.
Maybe a hand grenade strung up with concertina wire? That would probably only get the attention of the sheriff’s department.
And they were still green, still babes on the vine, little green innocents who had never been able to experience adult life. Cannibals! Murderers! Show yourselves!
Back to the birds — They wouldn’t eat that many and they’d leave white poop tracers everywhere. Mice wouldn’t make it past the cat patrols. My neighbors’ chickens aren’t intellectually capable of the multi-tasking required to land a tomato. It’s got to be those reintroduced wolves! Damn liberals – We told them the wolves and tomatoes did not mix.
Someone suggested I trap the culprits, haul them off and leave them to their own devices up on the Uncompahgre Plateau. That could work if I knew the approximate size of the bandits. I guess I could use tomatoes as bait but that would seem counter-productive.
I had about 50 in tight little clusters, still quite green but growing bigger in the Rocky Mountain sunshine. Hot weather had stunted them but they were surviving.
I am not upset by the elk nibbling on my lawn and mosquitoes making their last stand eating me. These ruffians dragged off my mail order scarecrow from last year. On a positive: the few tomatoes I have enjoyed this year are among the best I have ever tasted. Nice, big and juicy. Wait a little longer for the salsa, wait for the stews, and wait for the BLT. Will I be deprived of my crowning harvest come November?
Now I’ve come to find out that my neighbor’s garden has been invaded as well. They got every squash. How dare they put the entire community at risk just for their selfish stomachs. At this altitude it can be taxing to grow anything much besides weeds like cannabis. Have they no empathy? Who would think it? This backstabbing wildlife crime, this vile trespass.
Now the victim has become the hunter. It’s not the coyotes out in their pasture dens. They don’t eat tomatoes. It’s not the Cat Lady’s crew from next door. It’s not the neighbor’s dumb, barking dogs or the meandering cattle that call this place home. It’s not the local mountain lions or even a bear that would make a lot of racket and leave a mess behind.
It’s not my responsibility to see that these little intruders go to bed happy with a full tummy.
I even bought bad boy bacon that I realize will kill me but tastes so good with homegrown tomatoes. Next year peppers, zucchini squash, green onions, cannabis and yes, more tomatoes.
Then on the third night out in the lawn chair something frightening happened. A space ship appeared and several floating, transparent beings exited the craft. I stayed as quiet as I could. They were there for my tomatoes. Could not believe my eyes when…
To be continued
Antipasta getting people in Peach Valley
The White House today announced that the left-wing, anarchist terrorist group, Antipasta, has been grabbing citizens off the street at night in the Western Colorado settlement of Peach Valley.
What the Marxist, atheist, pawns of Beijing have in mind for their victims was unclear, although the worst is expected. These radicals are known to hate America as well as spaghetti, noodles, elbow macaroni, and linguini despite the fact that many of them are named Alfredo after Joseph Stalin.
“They want to hurt God and the Bible but they’re starting in small steps,” said Noah Crutch, a local Republican liter. “We have reason to believe they have nukes and are aligned with Venezuela and Iran. Then they want to take out guns!”
A report on POX News accused Antipasta of operating re-education camps in Cuba and North Korea but later back peddled claiming the station had never aired the allegation.
-Fred Zeppelin
“It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men (and women).”
– Frederick Douglass.