All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Ahora puedes votar en Wal-Mart
(Montrose) Los votantes registrados que deseen cumplir con su deber en esta elección pueden simplemente arrojar sus piedras en el Wal-Mart local en lugar de perder su valioso tiempo de compras en las urnas. Además de votar, se recuerda a los ciudadanos que pueden abrir cuentas de crédito, casarse, tener hijos, pagar impuestos y ser enterrados aquí también.
Establece una precedencia conveniente según las fuentes dentro de este marco de marketing masivo y “solo puede conducir a un consumo más sin sentido y mayores ganancias para todos.
“Queremos ayudar al ciudadano medio a permanecer muy dentro de la media”, sonrió un saludador a tiempo parcial que no califica para los beneficios de la empresa.
La cabina de votación de Wal Mart estará abierta durante una semana antes del día de las elecciones para que los ciudadanos no se vean obligados a cambiar sus horarios y concentrarse en un solo día. En la entrada se proporcionará información sobre cómo votar y por quién votar. Las personas que aún no se hayan registrado pueden hacerlo con su tarjeta de crédito de Wal Mart.
“La gente puede olvidar fácilmente que es martes … Día de elecciones. ¡Estamos haciendo nuestra parte por esta gran democracia!” gime un anuncio en la tienda. “Y después de votar, no olvide revisar los artículos de temporada en el pasillo tres”.
Mientras tanto, en la soleada Arizona, las milicias corporativas han logrado detener a algunos de los últimos operativos de ma y pa en el área de Phoenix. En el momento de la publicación, solo quedan algunos de los reductos “no afiliados”. En el sitio de lo que era un gran deli kosher ahora hay una cadena de hamburgueserías. Es lo mismo en todas partes. La ciudad sin ciudad se ha transformado en cadena. El Phoenix se ha estrellado.
Aunque el estado de los ex radicales autónomos no estaba del todo claro, un portavoz de la policía dijo que “están siendo desprogramados y capacitados para puestos de cajeros en una cadena de gasolineras. Las personas que no se adaptan al plan maestro son llevadas a lo abandonados del desierto y abandonados para valerse por sí mismos. Algunos de los desafortunados terminarán empujando el liderazgo dentro del gobierno.
“No tenemos la libertad de hablar sobre la situación en Arizona”, dijo una voz de Wal-Mart. “Tenemos una economía fuerte aquí también y seguirá creciendo mientras todos cooperen”, dijo el títere.
– Alfonso Perch
Hinsdale County is golden in fall
Williams Creek Trail near Lake City is an autumn delight
Columbus Day Planned on the Navajo Nation
Special to the Horseshoe
Excitement is in the air here at the 15th Annual Columbus Day Celebration planned for October 12 in Tuba City. Some 100 floats and 2000 dancers are expected to grace the main street, eclipsing craft booths and food stalls. Clowns and jugglers will no doubt entertain the children while the adults will be treated to horse races and high stakes bingo.
At 5 pm we will begin a Columbus Buffet with Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria portions! One doesn’t need a crow’s nest to see that we mean to have fun!
Sponsored by the local chamber of commerce, Navajo Columbus Day is in no way connected to the Cortez Corners Rodeo, the Juan Pizzaro Festival and Art Show, the DeSoto Pow Wow or the Father Junipero Serra Mission Feast Day and Chili Cook-off.
“This is our festival alone and even though Christopher Columbus never set foot in Tuba City many of his influences were felt here and still linger,” said Omar Cayenne of nearby Moenkopi.
Columbus Day allows for members of our tribe to socialize and pay tribute to a great American, even though he was a murdering Spanish Conquistador.
The evening will feature fireworks and a watermelon-eating contest along with live bands until midnight.
“It’s fitting that we celebrate this day since without Columbus many of us wouldn’t be here on the reservation today,” smiled Cayenne. -Kashmir Horseshoe
Edible Campaign Literature Another Biodegradable Promise?
(Turtle Farm, KY) Scientists today announced stunning successes in the quest to develop edible campaign literature. Nine of ten control groups report no negative impact nor loss of nutritional values after the consumption of straw hats, distorted flags, cheap paper vests, yard signs, bobble-heads, bumper stickers, photo handouts and related propaganda connected to any and all elections.
The volunteer subjects were deprived of regular meals and cocktail hour while subsisting on unidentified and recycled vitals, not associated with traditional food. After three months, physicians and research analysts are optimistic. In December the new cuisine, if deemed safe, will be introduced at participating fast food outlets from sea to shining sea.
“It tastes like the tomatoes that are picked green and sent up here,” said one participant.
In addition to lightening the seasonal load at local dumps, hopes are high that American voters will not go hungry, even in non-election years. Estimates are that even a portion of the promotional garbage generated in a typical two-candidate dogcatcher race could feed three emerging countries for a year.
“With what most Americans eat now anything would be an improvement from a health aspect,” said one leading scientist.
Supporting these theories is Deep Derby Dialysis, a leading Bluegrass research institute on genetic and alternate foods. “Man will soon see the day when he can munch on a billboard or swallow an election button without consideration,” it attests.
The embrace of unorthodox or unconventional rations is now non-partisan, primarily due to an unresponsive two-party system that is hyper-jealous of its elevated status and quite afraid that the people will realize its scams and kick out the perpetrators of these offenses. The vastness of arrogant waste and mindlessly squandered material during an election campaign has jolted many designated participants.
…a two-party system quite jealous of its elevated status and afraid that the people will realize its scams and kick out the perpetrators of these offenses
Recent opinion polls have strongly reflected a disgust with money spent campaigning and politicians in general. A majority favor less hype and more money spent on global warming research, health, education and housing.
“The mindless pollution advanced by these carpetbaggers is immoral,” said Omar Silverton, a retired pollster. “Both sides act like they are engage in a high school prom queen selection. And we haven’t even began to discussion on television’s impact and lucrative money laundering opportunities there.”
Nonetheless along with biodegradable promises flung about in the autumn of their lives, frightened politicians on the left and right continue to back the breakthrough concept of edible election litter as a viable solution to a slew of mounting problems as the nation slides swiftly into the mundane.
– Fred Zeppelin
BLACK BEAR NEWS
COLORADO LEGISLATURE TO ADDRESS BEAR TRESPASSING.
Less forage, more mountain homes and an increase in the bruin population, are just a few of the bugaboos blamed for an increase in bruin break-ins this fall.
Clever camp raids, damage to poultry salons, garden and orchard encroachments, and one Colona beehive colony/apiarist cadre are all a part of the seasonal chaos. Local elders here are bound and determined to do something about it.
We’ll pass a law and send out a press release everyone will be happy,” said one urban Democrat.
“Let’s just expand the hunting season on bear” said a rural GOP source, “and blast the intruders”.
In autumn on the Western Slope bear can be easily observed crossing deserted fairways, punctuating the dumpster trail, devoting hours to gobbling up apples and apricots, and frightening tourists as well as remodeling gardens and trashing anything that gets in the way of their big, empty stomachs.
“Enough is enough. Who do they think they are?” asked Congressman Wiley “Mackerel” White (R-Atlantis), who has maintained that office since 1954 and is up for reelection in 2020. “We need strict laws that clearly forbid bear from violating private property. These are thugs. Maybe a leash law could be somehow employed?”
But who would be at the business end of this kind of savage bridle?
“These are not your playtime teddy bears. These are wild and dangerous predators and prowlers,” stressed White who admits he has never seen a bear or been in the forest but who vehemently called for a curfew and expanding the local police force.
Pence Promises Rain, Eaten by Bear
(Malfunction) In a speech before enthusiastic supporters here Vice President Bill Pence pledged to make in rain. In what has evolved as a familiar melody he didn’t say exactly when or where. Colorado is in the midst of a severe drought (since it is a desert and all) and the population continues to tax not only water (DIA suburb fiascos and Brown Clouds be damned) but every other conceivable commodity that used to be sufficient to insulate the cosmic flow.
Well-financed developers, caught with their plump little butts in the DIA Land Grab Scandal that will become old news in days, applauded the left field promise as if it was their own.
Sadly, moments after delivering what many are now calling a posthumous sermon, Pence was attacked and eaten by one of several large black bears marauding Reichstag Trailer Park, named for the original landmark in Berlin, Germany.
“We’ve seen a lot of bears hanging out over there lately but none so brazen as the brute that viciously attacked our beloved vice president. They even ate all the Trump signs.”
Sources on POX News blamed cowardly Democrats for the incident although none were within 10 miles of “the assault on our American way of life by Communists in bear suits.”
– Myrna Guppies-Treblehooke
“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.”
-Greek proverb
Days may get shorter warns weatherman
(Denver- Special to The Montrose Mouse October, 2020)
A local weatherman in the Mile High City is boldly predicting that the days will begin to get markedly shorter this fall. In a departure from traditional thought, Balmy Brennan, a longtime climatologist and meteorologist on TV, repeated his forecast, matter-of-factly.
Brennan repeated the stark warning again that afternoon at the Brown Palace Polo Club, much to the astonishment of an assembled entourage who had come to learn about buying precious metals before winter arrives.
“We all know about climate change,” said Brennan, “even though it does not register as a danger to a certain segment of science flunkies in our midst. My calculations clearly indicate that some aspects of the weather will stay the same. The sun will come up and go down. The moon will shine and disappear. The stars will seduce young lovers all within the backdrop of apocalypse. You know the gnashing of teeth and all that.”
The weatherman then rolled up his sleeves and got down to the nitty-gritty as to what people might expect in the coming weeks.
“Somehow a conjunction of the earth and the sun dictate the length of daylight hours,” he explained before hecklers drove him from his podium.
“Communist! Witch! Liberal!” they screamed as Brennan retreated in to the Ship’s Tavern Bar followed by a pack of paparazzi and a throng of failed Rockies’ relief pitchers who have been hoping that shorter days may help them forget their disastrous season.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“If we don’t get pregnant with some sort of an heir the peasants will rise up and kill us. They’ll find other royals. They’ll burn down this stone castle. They’ll cut off our heads!” – Earl Snapper MacGillycuddy, in an attempt to persuade Countess Tilapia to make love as part of traditional Celtic foreplay, Sheeffry Hills, Connemara, Ireland, 1477.
