All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
Wong Hamstring Haunts Coaching Staff
The jury is still out in the hamstring case of High Flyer’s ace Wilber Wong who pulled the tendon while bicycling across the Azores in search of the perfect rosin vineyard last summer.
“Actually he may have snapped a wishbone,” said personal trainer Corky Kellerheistermann. “We’re taking precautionary action just the same.”
Sources unfamiliar with these proceedings say he won’t be back in pads and skylights until Thanksgiving.
Meanwhile Wolfgang “Porky” Leviathan’s hamstring came back negative according to team physicians who say Leviathan will overnight at the Mao Clinic before undergoing stuffing surgery on Wednesday. Doctors there assured us that his sacroiliac would be as good as giblet gravy in a week or two.
“I’m not afraid to die,” said the three-time champion and bad boy goalie Leviathan. “I just hope my insurance covers the medical bills.”
-Suzie Compost
KNOT HOLE NEWS
PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS
(Lake City) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds. Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting these environs in the future.
“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said the memo. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down all the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”
Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby. They equate the ban to the helter-skelter of China’s Cultural Revolution that shadowed our own chaotic hippie era. The Geiger counter marches on.
“But the kind of alpha particle chaos detected by Hans William Geiger and his nuclear physicist buddies in Germany in the 1920s is not what is relevant here,” said Doc “Trail” Kneewalker, “We are talking about mindless restrictions and blockage of what most would agree is positive social behavior.”
However, Kneewalker agrees with experimental bans on selfies and what he calls the ignorant practice of snapping close-ups of predators. He equates stupidity to downed branches of ponderosa and aspen, desperate but inevitable.
“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, heiress to the Studebaker fortune. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of mammals, birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”
The federal government, all wrapped up in another bells-and-mirrors presidential election has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend the proceedings should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.
Department of Interior to start big fires
(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.
Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-November.
Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan foolproof.
Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to light a match.
“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”
Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season so as to send a message to the firearm lobby.
Biosphere III Filling Up
(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to accommodate herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.
According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.
“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, from behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”
This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.
Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.
-Fred Zeppelin
Colorado could be out of weather by 2028
(Mack) The state of Colorado may find itself without measurable weather in less than 10 years say television climatologists and high altitude meteorologists here in the shadows of the Beehive State.
The impending disaster, ignored by most workaday residents and the thinly insulated affluent, could be on us sooner if past indications interface well with mounds of weather data reaching back before your first tooth. Although no one really understands what it might be like without any weather. Scientists can manipulate data but there is no hinge here, no connection since nothing like this has ever been recorded.
Imagine a day without sun, rain, wind or cold. What would that be like? Would darkness and light be affected? Would plants grow? Would animals continue to exist? Would the earth’s population by cut in half?
Would monster storms and climate refugees cease to exist?
“We must act now if we hope to prevent a disaster,” said Mark Oak, a weatherman who watches the whole mess from his mountain retreat in Nepal. “It may already be too late but I am not one to sit around on my hands when my world is collapsing around me.”
Meteorologists across the country blame humans for these global atrocities.
“You can blame methane gas, consumerism, ignorance, tribalism, self-worship, and go on and on, tying up the package with a black ribbon if you like, but it won’t save us,” said Oak. The only thing to do now to preserve our way of life and protect our precious genes is to hitch a ride to Mars.”
Concerned and responsible residents are urged to collect and forcibly can and conserve unattended weather in apprehension of the day when we will be without. Some home self-generating adjustment will help but the damage has been done. It’s just one way the earth is asking us to “please leave”.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Overheard in Union Hall, West Cork, Republic of Ireland, May, 2019
Diner: “I’ll have the two pork chops, the rashers, two Clonakilty sausages, and black pudding.
Waiter: Would you like some meat with that?
Peaky past and future forecast
One Hundred Years Ago: 1919
Marigold Compost wins a posthumous Whirlitzer for her cookbook Basil Recipes From the Abyss published just months before her son, Earl Compost, wandered off into the woods near Yellow Jacket in early 1920. Erotic Quechua-Hibernian pictographs found near the Tomb of the Eternal Inca. Veronica Haley born in Bay Ridge. Know Nothings presidential convention in Las Vegas cancelled after the majority of the delegates went to Reno by mistake. Prohibition heralds in the Gangster Era in counties wet and dry. Skeletal Whigs go under the hair dryer for the last time. White House liar’s bench erected on West Lawn. Former President William Howard Taft (weighing in at 350 pounds) pressures current President Woodrow Wilson to suspend habeas corpulence in honor of former President Grover Cleveland who weighed in at 300. Only 10 years after granting suffrage to women Wyoming accused of Mail Order Bride scandal. “The Briar Patch” opens to ravenous reviews on Broadway. Other popular plays include “A Fruitcake Named Desire”& “The Barber From Tashkent”
One Hundred Years Distant: 2119
Vodka nose first diagnosed in Greenland. Superstition, feudal states, and serfdom on the rise due to bad public health and education in the provinces. “Islands for the Poor” – a refuge for the misbegotten closed due to alleged money laundering on the beaches. Sleeper cells engage in bloodless revolution near Lower Insomnia. Bear Republic formally recognized by Cub Scouts. Many bruins flee restrictive fur laws. Subsidized honey blamed for market roller coaster. Colorado Marijuana Industry Finalizes Purchase of Wells Fargo, other banks. Last remnant of Syrian civilians relocated to Alabama. Agnostic missionaries feared lost in Uruguay.
TIDS AND TID BITS
Southern Colorado’s own Slim Tinkleholland won the Hayden Peak banked slalom and not a baked salmon, as was reported on this website last weekend. The confusion appears to have been related to Slim’s twin half-bother who is an avid snagging fisherman and skijoring enthusiast. Sorry for any inconvenience this error may have caused.
Math Coroner: Need for sleep has saved planet. If people were awake for 24 hours every day imagine the levels of destruction. It’s the same for the repast breather the planet gets during dinner and lunch hours. Formula X – 8 x {7 billion} = gross natural impact x snores + alpha state comfort. …If people didn’t sit down for meals and sleep each night the planet would have been destroyed 3400 years ago…Now you do the work.
Poll Results In: United States and Western Europe:
13% of those polled favor invading Iran, Iraq, any of Middle Eastern countries
87% favor same action if gas would hover at $2 a gallon.
Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant
(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds. He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.
Sightings have become almost commonplace here in a land of thoroughbreds, Ezra Brooks and Kentucky colonels.
“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.”
Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as Colonel Sanders are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.
“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”
Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:
“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark? Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”
Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.
“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said. “Just so long as ye warsh it down with a toss of Basil Hayden’s.”
Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.
“Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for a gob of moonshine giblet gravy.”