All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
Feds to tackle dependency on foreign olive oil
(Italian Mountain) Movers and shakers within the Biden Administration say they hope to reduce the nation’s dependency on foreign olive oil by 30% over the next few years. Adding that reserves already on our soil must be tapped they insist that drilling operations must be allowed in urban areas, especially in Mediterranean neighborhoods.
Although it is not clear where vast deposits of olive oil might be hiding, the Biden people hope to celebrate the nation’s diversity while improving its diet.
We think there are major inventories of olive shale all over the Rockies and, thanks to laws regarding the ownership of mineral rights we have direct access,” said one Department of Interior bigwig. “These stockpiles may be just under the surface or deep down in the ocean but we plan to harvest what we can so as to get the country moving in the right direction.
Phase two of the program calls for the planting of 3.5 million olive trees and the construction of pressing and processing plants along the Confront Range and in Utah. In order to flourish olive trees need just the right mixture of soil and sunshine. The Rockies provide both.
“Small farmers, many who have been cut out of the American Dream by large corporations are anxious to get into the action,” continued the source. Small batch olive oil production is controlled and limited allowing for more mom and pop players.
“We will not sit by and watch out population deprived of a Sunday drive, a nice fresh salad or an organic massage,” said one tired Democrat attempting to calm fears and assure that everyone an participate and benefit from these detours.
Olive oil cartels in Greece, Italy and Spain have been gradually increasing the price per barrel causing prices to drastically increase in this country. Combined with taxes and more taxes the average price of a liter of olive oil has jumped 45% since 2018. Unreliable sources within the Biden Administration contend that unless we wake up, the demand for the foreign substance will increase, placing “unholy pressures” on an already burgeoning trade deficit.
“We could even run out which would spell disaster for our vegans, chefs, vegetarians, restaurant aficionados and the newfound health-driven economy,” said the spokesman.
Olive groves, of corpse, provide lucrative targets for terrorists and others intent on disrupting our system, say the officials. Plans to unleash Homeland Security agents and paramilitary teams to guard the oil producing trees may be implemented just as soon as the picked-green-on-the-vine tomato crop arrives from Mexico.
White House whispers suggest that in Iraq, where insurgents have blown up olive fields, the situation has improved.
“We are seeing a return to normal there as the population has begun embracing Democracy and rejecting radical margerinism in their kitchens,” said the source. “We are assured that our allies in the Mediterranean will stand fast but freedom doesn’t come cheap and there are many crutons to overcome.”
– Suzie Compost
“Pray to Jesus. So are they.” – Colonel Edgerington “Dutch” Kahildegrand, moments before leading his Tommies over the top at the Somme in 2016.
UAE Pilgrims Procure Plot on Mars
(Utopia Basin) Astronauts from the United Arab Emirates have reportedly raised that nation’s flag on a small strip of Martian land about the size of Manhattan Island. The property, purchased for some trinkets and 30 pieces of silver, runs from Isidis Basin through volcanoes, craters and mounds of red dust to Hellas Basin in the Southern Highlands.
Despite the perceived absence of fresh water in the Martian ecosystem early arrivals hope that salt water may be present.
“Our acquisition offers protection from dust storms and a very good harbor from which to continue our exploration and dominate weaker alien life,” said Conor Sturgeon, who spent 2 months orbiting the Red Planet late last year. “My virgin flight that was suppose to cover the 300 million miles in several weeks stretched into ten times that amount leaving me with nothing to eat but frozen tamales and Grape Tang.”
“Boredom was my biggest enemy. I counted stars. I watched John Wayne movies. I missed my dog terribly. I read everything I could get my thumbs on. Reading is a challenge in weightlessness. You just put the book down for a moment and it’s gone. It’s tough enough to locate books in English in the backcountry of South America. Try finding English titles in outer space?” he said. “It’s next to impossible.”
The first UAE spacecraft reached the Martian orbit last month marking the first time a Middle Eastern country staked out a scientific presence in the region. The primary mission was to study the planet’s atmosphere and climate but the space crew couldn’t pass up the rock bottom cost of real estate, reminiscent of America’s Rust Belt in the 80s.
“We’re looking at putting up 7000 condos over at Noachis Terra on our next voyage,” said one astronaut, “and the construction of a state-of-the-art performance center to be christened Chryse Planitia in honor of Venetian soap opera star and love goddess who choked to death on a pastrami sandwich in 2018.
The earthlings await tons of survival equipment that is expected to make its descent on Friday (Saturday on Mars). The cargo includes daily requirements of freeze-dried guilt laced with fear-based philosophies, plastic water bottles and life-ending weaponry.
– Syd Fahrdt
Bears and Angel Above Board in Legal Squabble
The Gladstone Bears are expected to drop a painful class action suit against Johnny Angel it was disclosed today. Attorneys for the fury beasts appear to have convinced them that they have no case while a nearby magistrate is leaning toward a dismissal.
Angel, the local hermit, had taken to playing one-armed bingo and eating sausage sandwiches inside a large meal culvert in the middle of town. The grievance declared that he was creating a pubic nuisance, especially in the winter months when the bear are trying to sleep.
“These bullies have sued only resident of the town,” said one circuit judge in Silverton last July. The summons did not cite past misdeeds such as public nudity, baiting, flatulence, drunkenness, halitosis and the insensitive, grotesque exhibition of hides.
Angel, who is most likely unaware of the news, is expected to file a countersuit on the grounds that the bear closed the road to his diggings up Meatloaf Meadow. Furthermore, he claims that bears roughed him up every time he went down to the town’s only bar, which has been closed since the abandonment of the Silver Standard in 1896.
The miner’s friends say he has been hunting salmon over in Topeka Gulch.
As the dust settles San Juan County has agreed to allow the Bears, a semi-professional hurling team, to play their home games at Ghost Field, the scene of much wickedness and debauchery especially in the later innings. Meanwhile Hinsdale and Ouray Counties are shuffling trapped, stranded spirits, local ghosts and unnecessary elected officials in an attempt to field a team by May.
The hermit, as our readers often proudly remind the public, gained marginal notoriety when in 1975 he discovered a pretend land route from Eureka to the East Sea. He is the author of Spooning in Animas Forks, a detailed chronicle and comparison of telephone books used as seating accessories in the Opera Houses and Brothels of San Juan County (1879 – 1899). Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Thanks to Fred, Ted, Ned, Ed and Red Herring for contributing to this report
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the Vietnam War, unemployment stats and racial unrest. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole echilada was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
The desert region around Grand Junction is often mistaken for a lunar landscape which made it the perfect location says NASA adding that the geologic samples too were bogus, having been purchased from Tinkers somewhere between Paradox and LaSal Junction in 1967.
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s profound willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted, engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Carbon Footprints Suggest Homeless Had No Shoes in 5000 BC
(Sandlfoote, CO) Impressions of what appear to be post-Neanderthal feet have led scientists here to believe that early Homo Sapiens too were hard-pressed securing food, surviving freezing caves and avoiding predators to worry much about their .
“Actually we have yet to determine exactly who was homeless and who was simply en route or wandering around looking for dinner,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Fellow at Cal Polygamy. “Maybe shoes had not been invented yet which would certainly throw off our DNA test cases. Animal skins that work well to cover the legs and torso are of little use on the feet since they are clumsy and offer little shelf life do to harsh planetary surfaces,” he explained. “And what about the proverbial gatherers?”
The footprint samples collected, stretching from Finland to Gibraltar, number in the thousands and scientists are scurrying to chronicle movements and label superstitions in an attempt to provide this meaningless information to progressive cobblers and generations to come.
Many eons later the only group to possess shoes appears to be churchmen of the day. The shoes were an integral part in their wading through the multitude of holidays that they subsequently stole from the pagans, tweaked a bit, and established as the Christian holidays we know today. Then came the Dark Ages with the loss of freedom and the embrace of the inherent goodness of man.
“They even stole ancient gods and goddesses and changed them into their formula saints and the like,” said Pennywhistle. This was expedient and often much cheaper than establishing new religious icons of their own.”
Whether these “early junior executives” of the Vatican Corporation had shoes is as yet inconclusive.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“When the tree falls the monkeys will scatter.“ – Chinese saying from House of Xiao, 1816. Metaphorically referring to institutions, families, governments, good and bad.
THE SLOPE DOPE
By Estelle Marmotbreath
“If bingo required any reading comprehension
I would be home on Tuesday nights too.”
“It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to.” Lauren Boebert tracking indicates that cooler heads have prevailed within the sinking GOP bass boat here in the Rockies. A plot to remove her is already emerging: A serious looking blueprint rolled around three Havana cigars was found under a fermenting mulberry tree in western Garfield County detailing the planned coup. It does not give a date. Detractors say she sleeps with her pistol and they must take care to act only when she is awake.
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Cranberry Saucers held in contempt in a well-documented turkey caper are expected to be indicted tomorrow unless it snows. They are accused of detaining over 400 turkeys in November and December in hopes of selling them on an already overstuffed black market. Other counts against the saucers include littering, overcooking and betrayal of a person of trust.
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Local taxpayers are warned that chain tax preparation jobs are now often outsourced to India and the Philippines. If one brings his forms and receipts to what CPAs call “television tax preparers” there is a good chance the final return will have been prepared overseas. Although the forms are completed in English it is often difficult to ask questions and the payment up front policies are unnerving. Audits are a nightmare in that preparers in Asia are not likely to respond to IRS queries.
“Most of the time the IRS is in such a hurry to cash your check that it rarely examines returns anyway,” said a spokesman for One, Two Three Four – Buckle My Shoe Tax Agencies.
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Need help paying your liquor bill during the pandemic? Call us. We can help.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shouldn’t even be on the snack committee for the local peewee soccer league.” – Arizona Central
