All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"

HIGHWAY PATROL LANDS WEATHER CHANNEL

(Montrose) Starting November 20 the local Colorado Highway Patrol will have access to the Weather Channel. As a result it is hoped that road reports will become more current. In the past if one called the police agency for an updated road report he was forced to accept one from yesterday, or the day before.

“Hey, if you don’t believe me, try it for yourself,” said Melvin Toole a former city pencilman, who slid off Red Mountain in the ice and snow last week after a Highway Patrol report of balmy temperatures and dry conditions all the way to Aztec.

While no one wants to be maliciously critical of an agency that does most things right, the road reports have been a thorn in the side of those of us who must travel these arteries for a living. When someone has to drive to Salida on Friday they really don’t care that the road was dry on Thursday night.

“With any luck at all the dispatcher or other responsible party will have the Weather Channel on at all times allowing a concise and up-to-the-minute appraisal of mother nature at all times of the day and night,” said Toole. “We hope that soap operas and old movies, offered on the local cable system, will be off-limits.”

Prior to this development callers were most likely to hear a recording warning people not to drink and drive and to wear their seat belts.

“The agency has responded appropriately,” stressed Toole who added that DUI arrests would continue to be chronicled on the financial page of your daily newspaper.

– Rocky Flats

TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS

(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Federal Daylight Shavings Club (Aka Mule Deer Time), the Ouray Town Clock will now keep the exact time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing each evening before bed.

“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers. They may not know the ropes but they all have all kinds of ropes around here.

Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the vertical task when the clock runs short of juice.

“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray although there appears to be little difference in these destinations in July and August.”

– Melvin Toolstoy

Yesterday I was chastised about Trump by an 86-year-old woman on small town plaza in Colombia. Later I realized she was guilty of the same close-mindedness as his supporters. Not in the fact that she didn’t like him, but in the fact that she had to break everything down into black and white so as to partially digest the issue. She presumed my politics to make it easier for her tiny brain to function. It was easier than cooking up original thought. Ignorance comes in many colors and languages.The rest they puke up when they think no one is looking.

Garbage company cans service till spring

(Montrose) A longtime waste management company has suspended service here until spring. Citing colder than average conditions and the rise in garbage identity theft, sources with Bella Trash Inc. (formerly of Gladstone) say working man’s comp claims and the threat of lawsuits over security have forced their hand in this matter.

“Our personnel have been tardy or absent altogether on colder days. Who could blame them?” said a prepared press release found under a box of Argentine merlot in our lovely yet pretentious brick courtyard this morning.

The news was a shock to the San Juan Horseshoe, which in one week generates more organic debris than Bedrock, Paradox, and the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita combined.

According to voiced concerns, criminal elements have been seizing garbage and selling data and addresses to solicitors even though they said they would not do so.

The action has no connection to a controlled sewage leak aimed at killing noxious weeds before summer, said the release.  

– Charles U. Farley

Bronco Offensive Line Bearly This Spring

(Pigeon Valley) The remnants last season’s Denver Bronco offensive line will wrestle black bear as part of a rigid discipline when spring practice begins here in March. The porous squad that, with the exception of Dalton Risner, ran on diminished cylinders in 2019, will began the rigorous regimen from day one.

Head Coach Vic Fangio said that the Broncos, 4-1 in its last 5 games, needed “a little fine-tuning”. The defensive-minded field boss has always opted for brute strength over finesse and it appears that is the direction he will take the team in 2020.

There was no immediate information on the black bears.

Not to be left in the dust, running back Phillip Lindsey has reportedly petitioned new offensive coordinator Pat Shurmur to allow him to participate in the wrestling matches. Although nothing official has been determined sources say the smaller Lindsey would wrestle a Grizzly rather than a more docile Black Bear.

It is common knowledge that the Chicago Bears defense broke wild horses back in the summer of 1986, the year they won the Super Bowl, scoring 46 points in the win against the New England Patriots.

-Susie Compost

Cloning Batman Big Mistake Says Boy Wonder

(Red Mountain) Plans to clone super hero, Batman (no last name given) would be a mistake of grand proportions according to his longtime crime-fighting partner. Dressed in provocative tights and a tasteful black mask, Robin, who ran with Batman for decades, says his retired boss is a megalomaniac.

Citing episodes of power abuse and interference with the authorities, Robin says Batman harbors vendettas against several adversaries, specifically a man called The Joker and a former ally, named the Green Hornet. The Joker is reportedly living in a retirement community in Arizona while the Green Hornet is busy working on his memoirs at a secret location on Miller Mesa.

“Both of these now model citizens have complained of harassment and outright threats from Batman. Cloning him would only make matters twice as bad,” explained Robin tugging at his cape.    

The cave dwelling bounder, not to be confused with batman, an orderly of a British army officer, has agreed to the cloning operation in return for a general amnesty. Batman has been connected to violent vigilante action dating back to the Fifties. Case after case of documented evidence links the super hero with over-the-head obstruction of justice.

“He took matters into his own hands,” said Robin. “He often dispensed punishment on the spot with little consideration for the rights of the criminal element…Zap…Bam…Zow…Whack! I know. I was there.”

Robin, who is currently vice president of a Confront Range self-help company that manufactures MSG suppositories, admitted that he lives in fear of reprisals by his former partner.

“The man is out of control, prone to hallucinations and as hyper as a hummingbird,” continued the Boy Wonder. “You’d think he’d do something constructive in his golden years…like take up pickle ball or bingo, but he’s too arrogant.”

Offers to join both the Montrose and Gunnison police departments were rejected by the Winged Warrior on the grounds of uniform and transportation conflicts.

A local civic group, formed to reconsider the pros and cons of the proposed cloning will meet Tuesday to consider the question: Do we really need two Batmans? The session is open to the public. Bring a covered fish.

– Susie Compost

TRUMP’S ILLEGAL WALL INCLUDES RECREATION AND ART

(Bad Breakfast, AZ) Trump’s Wall was never meant to keep anyone out, or in – it’s a money-laundering marvel. That’s all. Russian mafia bucks. Just do the research (follow the money) and see who is the real beneficiary. Meanwhile most Americans continue to watch TV and eat cold cuts.

Now a gold course appears from the blowing sands. Unconfirmed sources in Kiev insist that the entire venture will be named for Vladimir Putin.

Secret blueprints falling into our hands clearly indicate greens, tee boxes and sand traps all along the perimeter of the proposed wall. Water for the course will be paid for by Mexico where, as we all know, there is an abundance of the life-sustaining liquid. All holes will be virus free and self-appointed security militias reminiscent of the land-grabbing American gangs that raped and pillaged Mexico in the late 1840s will monitor all fairways.

Already word on the street has it that a massive RV park has been penciled in as well as 0ver 300 prayer breakfast pavilions where the righteous can go hide heads in the sand, hone blindness, and to rationalize racist behavior, emulating their living inspiration.

The 1000-foot mural of Donald Trump projected for the Mexican side of wall will be illuminated only on weekends in an attempt to stay within the billion-dollar budget. Meanwhile on the north side, fast food enterprises will seduce throngs visiting the freshly dug grave of former Senator Paul Ryan who, as readers will recall was buried in an undisclosed spot back in February. A graffiti map, drawn on the Mexican side shows the way.

All this and scavenging too. One Mexican source reports that over 5000 structures have been built in Chihuahua and Sonora from discarded wall material.

– Fred Zeppelin

“At a time when we the people need to wake up we have an occupant of the WH that needs to be put to sleep.” – Gen. Kashmir Horseshoe, United Mime Workers,