AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE

(Ouray – 1882)

According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.

Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.

He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.

After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.

After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.

According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.

“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.

“We can’t keep an eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”

Continued in 1883

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Lipstick on the virus pig

(Denver) The decision to reclassify medical masks as lingerie has spurred a startling increase in use as well as created lots of interest in applied fashion in the age of limbo. Colorado Governor Jared Polis made the announcement Thursday raising eyebrows but not ruffling feathers in this purple state.

According to leading retailers even the gender-distinct mask styles have already blurred the images or male and female mugs. Coupled with a built-in disguise mechanism, over the nose and face, the masks severely push the limit with regards to identity theft and often threaten traditional security methods.

The sometimes-scanty masks often made of lavish fabrics and featuring curves in all the right places, have been selling like hotcakes since they hit the market in July. Classification like this one not only pushes the masks into the spotlight but demands ingenuity along the way creating satellite industries and more jobs for developing sweat shops.

“These facial coverings are no different than scarves or sweat socks,” said Abby Daybedd, a former morality chairman in the Nixon Administration. “But the fact that they are considered lingerie goes a long way toward explaining the trendy chaos that follows homo sapiens and what constitutes legitimate style.”

Experts say the sudden popularity of the facemasks is due in part with the human desire to be attractive, even erotic in dress, attitude and mannerisms.

“If the government can convince its constituency that facemasks are attractive even sensual we re all in worse trouble than we thought,” said Daybedd.

Despite primary utilitarian concerns as to the nature of the facade, ground-floor manufacturers are already producing edible masks, bikini masks, lip pump coverings, falsie masks, demi-masks, bully masks and a overwhelming assortment of BDSM masks. One innovative factory has promised to concoct a crotchless mask before Valentine’s Day.

“In keeping with good taste, attire junkies are asked to avoid sequin masks and to reject the growing punk practice of wearing white or pastel after Labor Day.

– Evelyn Marmotbreath

Local Landfills Seek Rebranding

(Montrose) Sick and tired of being called the dump, local trash brokers here are completing a serious makeover of this and other associate landfills. Image-conscious trademarks and logos are high on the docket and should be completed by fall. Then a soft opening for Christmas is slated, followed by a hard opening the following summer.

“It’s flat amazing how fast bureaucracies can move once someone lights a fire under them,” said Wynonna Wrapp, a consumer advocate and environmental technician. “In fairness we have seen government agencies shift gears and implement programs that benefit all clientele, from the lowest of disposers to the corporate garbage collectors”.

Tree planting, ponds, shade, windbreaks, a gift shop and a hermetically-sealed cafe are all in the works. Socialist shuttles to and from the destination sites are all part of the plan to humanize the waste experience.

Citing problems discarding debris, Wrapp called on municipalities to change the way we throw away our garbage. “Allowing our clientele access to heavy equipment and explosive devices would send a strong message that we encourage participation in the process of burying refuse, which we do not!”

Economic development committees, reportedly headquartered in nearby commercial zones, will begin weekly visits to the Gold Star Waste Sites and prepare blueprints aimed at a more pleasant encounter for the throngs of visitors expected in the heavy tourist months. Live music venues, tractor pulls and cook-offs aren’t far behind according to varied sources.

“Sure little souvenirs are nice, rides & balloons are positive and shooting rats is fun,” said Wrapp, “but we hope to get to the bottom of such conflicts as flies and aroma. We want to keep it cleaner. We want to educate.”

Email them at www.teamlandfill@usa.com and they’ll send you an hourly email so you can follow the entire transformation from home. And don’t forget to sign up to win a signature dumpster or a previously owned microwave. Other great prizes like big-screen TVs, hats and t-shirts plus garbage bags for life.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Pagans agree on missionary budget

(Salem, MA) Loosely assembled pagan groups, meeting here today to commemorate witch burnings in the 1600s, have established a coordinated, tight and secure missionary budget for 2021.

Leading voices extended thanks to those in attendance and promised strict monitoring of funds throughout the year so as to insure the smooth flow of philosophies in mega times of fear, intolerance and superstition.

Recruiting $0

Guilt distribution $0

Dogma $0

Promises of eternal salvation $0

Burning in Hell $0

Ritual $0

Tithing $0

Congregational development $0

Evangelism with the underserved $0

Stewardship and fund development $0

Discretionary monies $0

Ordination exam fees $0

Hymn books stolen $0

Propaganda $0

Staff $0

Hall rental $0

Capital fund drive $0

Parking $0

Pew maintenance $0

Pastor salary $0

Gullibility ratio $0

Total amount spent on morality enforcement and mortality predictions $0.

-Jim Crow

Parties donate presidential ad budgets to Head Start, Dreamers

(Milwaukee) Monies earmarked for advertising in the 2020 Presidential campaign by both Democrats and Republicans will be rerouted to struggling social programs rather than pissed away on entrenched, party-line American voters who have already decided on their ballot choices.

The largest sums cut were those previously going to television ads aimed at the most ignorant fringes of the nation.  Other monies generally directed at newspapers, radio and Internet are to be instead donated to displaced people all over the world.

“Every election year we piss away millions trying to get the wrong people in office,” said Ted Ende, a consultant for candidates as distinct as Walter Mondale and Sarah Palin. “Look around you. Our highways are rotting. Our bridges are falling down. Our sense of community is dying. The first responsibility of an elected official is to protect his people — not to get reelected.”

As most of our well-oiled readers probably know by now both former political parties in the United States have agreed on strict term limits on elected officials and the banishment of lobbyists from the nation’s capital. In addition:

1. Draconian clean air and water measures will be implemented. Auto emissions will be strictly imposed.

2. All salaries and benefits once paid to already wealthy Congressmen will be redirected to fund the poorest schools in the country.

3. Corporate welfare will be terminated immediately. This includes the Pentagon.

4. Demeaning assaults on the natural human lifestyle will be considered felonious and provocative actions, punishable by fines and imprisonment.

5. Congressional pensions and lifetime free health care that has become another form of welfare will be eliminated as of January 1, 2021.