All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks
(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the late summer.
Earlier rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.
Most say they are already looking forward to spring.
The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.
Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.
-Dolores Alegria
CHUCKHOLE APOLOGY
In our 2019 much quoted Chuckhole Primer For the Ages we advised motorists to speed up when closing in on porous chuckholes. We suggested that with an increased speed and velocity the vehicle in motion would easily skim over the gaping holes/ landing safely on the other side without incident or damage to the under-carriage of the car.
Well, it turns out this approach is invalid and the promised results are very questionable. In fact following this advice will most likely destroy shocks, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields, drive trains, seat covers, teeth, paint, glass and the alignment. And it could get you a reckless driving ticket to boot.
Driving fast and “flowing smoothly” over chuckholes is not a good idea at all. Although our research is not conclusive, we must at this time warn motorists to slow down and avoid chuckholes rather than hitting them head-on.
We have effectively changed our chuckhole status from “cool and macho” to “not at all advisable” unless your ride features specially made assault tires, a pop-up pontoon bridge for particularly deep and difficult chuckholes, or a parachute.
Low riders should proceed at their own risk, always employing the Penasco (tilde: enya) Principle (Multiply tire size by 6 and divide by the depth of the asphalt blemish).
High altitude (over 9000 feet) chuckholes should be avoided especially when they are with their young. Seasonal distractions such as hunters stringing nets over chuckholes to trap small rodents and birds will be discussed in our next chapter.
– Beyon’ Dynamite
CLOUD SEEDING CATALOGUES ARRIVING FRIDAY
(Colona) The 1998 Cloud Seed Catalogues are expected to be delivered to businesses and residences at the end of the week according to crop dusters above the Uncompahgre Flyway. The catalogues, a bi-product of alleged United Nations meddling in the internal affairs of Los Estados Unidos and her clones, will be whisked into town via black helicopter. Others will be displayed on the Winternet.
Cooperative citizens who can show they have no opinion in matters of state can exchange the paltry imprints (catalogues) for thimbles of herbal tea and fresh mangos throughout the summer season. Warning: Unlicensed dogs caught driving ski gondolas after dark will be prosecuted, their owner’s mountain bikes sold for scrap.
FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS
Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!
PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Tallulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.
WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located on Highway 145 near Placerville. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Telluride Gin Festival in 1907. It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents prefer brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1999. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $75 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Bronco season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located behind Omar’s Roots just three miles east of Party of Lincoln Gift Shop at Grandma’s RV World.
SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.
HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week and summer rates are reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome.
SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH
View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. The buffalo are either there or they are not. Watch the parking on poorly shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.
SLOWEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST
Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. Everyone wants to turn left but nobody can. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Fastest Left Turn Arrow in the West at the Highway 50 by-pass.
JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Casto Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for the intense buzzing. Since the remains are not totally petrified forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles.
TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocaine next to the Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate Astroturf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Elvis or pine beetles or space aliens are in Colorado. These groups and the highly cited Tooth & Nails Periodontal Band (with stoolies) have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.
THE GIANT HOUSE – Located in a secret location of course, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are often inebriated and somewhat trigger-happy. But don’t despair: Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gate house of this exclusive development.
These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor in Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and the closest automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.
CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.
Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated
(Arabica, Colombia) Coffee City has relented after an outpouring of public support for Hector Mancastle, the blind moto-raton driver that almost lost his livelihood here in this beautiful Andean village.
Last month, after complaints by tourists that Mancastle could not see them during primary ride negotiations, the city fathers and mothers confirmed that he had failed all driver testing. Furthermore they said he could no longer possess a driver’s permit (indeed he could not even see the written test) and therefore could no longer perform his duties as a conductor within the village limits. A copy of their decision was forwarded to officials in Antioquia.
“It’s vicious age discrimination,” said his half-sister Melba.
Mancastle is 95.
“I’ve been driving this here tuk-tuk for 58 years and although I can’t tell you its color I can say that I never hit anything.” – Homer Mancastle, blind conductor.
It’s like that cow dog in front of the tourist train that began to bark if the thing didn’t embark exactly on-schedule each hour. That was all according to his canine calendar but this is a story about freedom and survival. What was Hector supposed to do, sit in the shade near the Arabica Hotel and bullshit all day?
“He may bee blind but he sure has a line of it,” said one younger driver who at 79 operates as many as three moto-ratons simultaneously, a standing record in the Andes since chewing gum was invented.
-Alfalfa Romero
Rare Asian Termite Eating Wal-Mart
(Montrose) One of this city’s cultural delights, the Super Wal-Mart, is at risk. The culprit is a rare Chinese termite that was most likely delivered in a shipment of Chinese goods pegged for sale at the discount spot.
Despite eternal claims to the contrary, the merchandising giant that anchors the bright lights of South Townsend Avenue, sells more foreign made products than American goods. The termites reportedly eat them all without prejudice…plus the bricks, the light fixtures, the ceiling and maybe the shoppers too.
County building inspectors are hesitant to declare the store a disaster area fearing loss of tax revenue and repercussions from Wal-Mart attorneys. Insiders say the place could collapse any time citing problems with the foundation and a growing number of caverns in the cirque huge parking lot which graces the front of the complex.
Local fumigators who have isolated the termite’s position promise to have the area sealed off by tomorrow or so. A comprehensive spraying campaign is expected to rid the town of the pest but it’s probably too late for Wal-Mart. Early warnings by insect control sources were ignored by middle management and several employees who blew the whistle on the termites were suspended without pay. Some face execution.
“We just hope the spray is effective in killing these destructive intruders,” said one technician. “If not we’ll have to use nuclear weapons. We have them over in Branson.”
Termites digest wood, paper and other products containing cellulose, with the aid of protozoa in their bodies. It is not known if a high incidence of cellulite in the consumer population attracted the pests or if the insects were just plain hungry after the 30-hour flight from Asia.
– Margot Rotweiller
Field hippies needed to monitor subsidized farms according to the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1938.
