CAMPUS KIOSK

with Rex Montaleone –

(Gunnison, CO    October 20, 2016)

FCEOA Pushes For Ethics Major

The local chapter of Future CEOs of America has petitioned Western State College to include an ethics major in its 2017 curriculum. The course of study, which would fall under the awning of the business department, would be specifically aimed at churning out honest graduates, with strong moral fiber and a sense of right and wrong.

“We feel that a student who is exposed to honor will respond,” said one proponent of the study. More and more corporate interests are beginning to the advantage to doing business on the up and up. Just look at all the corporations that have become environmentally conscious. The days of smoke and pollution are limited, especially since we sent all of our manufacturing out of the country.”

A decision on the matter is expected as early as Tuesday when state regents and faculty advisors return from a trip to Alamosa where they have been trying to squeeze operating funds out of Adams State College for lawn maintenance here at Western.

Missing Class Met with Cane

Students who miss class this fall could be caned, not canned as previously reported. According to Dean of Discipline, Margot Rotweiller, any student who misses class will be denied Taco Bell privileges, weekend passes and access to athletic events. In addition punch cards for use on the high-speed quad train will be revoked. Continued abuse will result in painful caning “out there on a cold day in front of Taylor Hall.”

“We have no intention of canning (expelling) any student,” said Rotweiller, considering all the trouble we went through to get them to come here in the first place. The Horseshoe paper should proofread it’s stories before publication. Maybe a few whacks in the right direction might get some attention over there as well.”

Rotweiller went on to explain that it is college policy to see that all students, especially freshmen, attend all scheduled classes. She admitted that mandatory laps and standing in the corner had little or no effect on such feckless behavior last semester.

“We consider consciousness to be an integral part of the college experience,” she snapped, “and snoozing will not be tolerated either.”

At present most professors do take roll call and are quite proficient at hurling erasers at the disruptive and kicking the desk legs of dreaming offenders.

Cell phones added to list of banned items

Cell phones, chewing gum, and Catcher in the Rye head the list of items banned on campus this autumn. Joining such longheld taboos on such accessories as grenade launchers and neon signs, the new additions have created quite a controversy.

The annoying phones were prohibited in a unanimous vote by the Academic Interdiction Board last week sending students into a tailspin. Although the phones are forbidden on campus they are quite legal anywhere else in down. Already several cell phone labs have sprouted up where students are offered internet access, faxing and seedy, underground cell phone lounges.

Chewing gum, a culprit since grade school, was added to the banned list when maintenance personnel demanded overtime pay back in May. Chewing tobacco or the cud was not affected at press time.

It comes as no surprise to anyone that the controversial novel Catcher in the Rye is also on the no-no list. Conservative religious groups and right-wing interests reportedly fear the book because they don’t understand it. They say the main character, Holden Caufield, is too close to reality and does not provide a good example to students. They suggest a tumble with a classic sociopath like Sebastion Dangerfield in The Gingerman instead.

In closing, there is some good news as reported by the American Civil Liberties Union: The much hated Student Helmet Law has been rescinded and replaced in part with the far less stringent Hip Boots Law, which promises to be quite a boon in such departments as political science and sociology

History Department Refutes Origin of Cheeseburger

The Western State history department has formally disproved once accepted theories on the origin of the cheeseburger, not of Manifest Destiny as was reported by this newspaper. The academians did not undress controversies related to catsup, mustard or dill pickles as far as we know. It was not clear if the committee would comment on philosophies of national expansion or on rumors that the presence of molybdenum is connected to the high rate of gout in the region.

Lunar Pedal-heads Convene

Engineers from top mountain bike companies were in Gunnison Tuesday concluding trial runs and related experiments on new lunar models. Choosing the area east of Blue Mesa Reservoir was easy, according to one test driver since the terrain looks so much like the moon. Although problems with gravity still exist, leading manufacturers will begin marketing the tough 30-gear Crater-Hoppers on the shores of the Sea of Tranquillity as early as the next crescent earth.

“In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.”
– Peter Ustinov

ROGUE ELK HIGH ON VIAGRA

(Norwood) Ranchers here report that thug elk herds have broken into their Viagra stacks, consuming massive quantities of the stuff prior to rutting season. Local Hunters are warned that as many as 500 bull elk may have been exposed to the virility drug.

The affected stacks, disguised as hay and secretly stored in low visibility pastures, were tampered with at night. The intruding elk knocked down fence and lingered for many hours grazing on the potency helper.

“In the morning one could easily observe the effect of bull elk on the rampage,” said Thorgood Hill, a former tofu rancher who took to growing Viagra for the gov’ment last summer. “The adolescent bulls are generally rambunctious in the fall but this year they are really on a roll.”

According to sources on Wright’s Mesa, the Viagra was to be stored there until federals had time to experiment with the stuff. It was reportedly to be used on Hereford bulls to increase virility/productivity.

“Operation Animal Husbandry is a solid concept,” said Walter Breakfastmeate, a wrangler for the USDA. “We figured that a mix of Viagra and alfalfa would produce more calves and thus more job security for leeches like me. I think we need to rethink the approach and maybe move our stash to places where elk don’t wander around all night.”

Breakfastmeate terminated his epistle by adding that in Norwood there seemed to be a subtle distrust of the federal government even though the Hooterville of the San Juans had become a part of the United States way back in 1848 after the Mexican War.

“Don’t they have a curfew around here?” he asked.

– Signelle de Bushe

Lectura de labios Presentado por Vehículos Automotores

(Montrose, CO   Laboratorio de Idiomas   18 de octubre 2016)

Un seminario de la lectura de labios libre está programado para finales de noviembre, cortesía de la División de Vehículos Motorizados de Colorado. El curso se ha simplificado respecto al año pasado, concentrándose en los conductores mayores, los adolescentes y las personas que necesitan terapia de manejo de la ira.
Se espera que el curso, llevado a cabo para todos los conductores, al “mejor las comunicaciones entre los automovilistas se irritan con facilidad y aquellos con menos de audición perfecta”, según Melvin O’Toole, director ejecutivo de Sociología y comportamiento francamente ignorante en la cercana Academia de guisante verde.
“La oferta se concentrará en las 20 frases más comunes de la frustración asociada a malos hábitos de conducción”, bromeó O’Toole “, por lo que incluso con el aire acondicionado encendido, y en invierno con las ventanas cerradas, la comunicación clara de conceptos distintos y ideas sugeridas fluirán “.
O’Toole no tocó sobre las denuncias de que muchos conductores locales están dormido al volante o que presentan un trance parecido a los usuarios de televisión pesados. El ruido del tráfico, la vibración del vehículo o incluso los momentos de calma de radio que duerman cuando por lo general mantiene otros conductores de alerta.
“Ellos están en otra parte que en el asiento del conductor”, dijo O’Toole. “Es un milagro que llegan a la tienda de comestibles y la espalda.”
El transporte público, recientemente disponible en la ciudad, se esperaba revivir este problema crónico o al menos desalentar la conducción en momentos óptimos. Desafortunadamente sospechan los operadores a menudo se olvidan de esta opción, después de localizar las llaves y el respaldo a la puerta del garaje o una planta en maceta en el patio.
Las personas mayores de 75 recibirán una versión para imprimir de la clase con el fin de asegurar que no se pierda vulgaridades inteligentes, innovadores lanzados contra ellos por los automovilistas que deseen adherirse al límite de velocidad y llegar a su destino antes del anochecer.

– Attila Diggins

Most Hermits Not Registered to Vote

(Powderhorn  —  You Can’t Find me Now Go Away Gazette  —  October 17, 2016)

The majority of hermits in this well-healed cowboy town remain unregistered to vote despite repeated visits by nosey people who believe in the electoral system.

Several of the hermits interviewed exhibited far-reaching knowledge on American political circus while others thought Dwight Eisenhower was still in the White House “somewhere high in the mountains over the rainbow and down by the deep blue sea.”

“These are men and women engaged in a spartan, almost monastic existence where they continue to practice a brand of sagebrush anarchy that has thrived here since the 1800s. It’s ascetic in one sense and austere in another,” said a neighbor lady who often brings them cookies and milk before bed.

“If these malcontents don’t vote, we don’t want to hear them bitchin’ in January,” said a longtime rancher and sometimes delegate to one convention or another. “It’s one thing to hide out and another to complain about it.”

Pollsters suggest that if all of the hermits in the United States voted we might elect a recluse as President for the first time since Millard Fillmore.

– Alfalfa Romero

“Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.”                                – Karl Kraus

Horseshoe Endorses Canine for Animal Control Spot

(Colona, CO — Endorsement Papers Release — October 16, 2016)

An innate ability to locate renegade pets and get them off the streets swiftly and methodically is the whole ball of wax with fellow mongrel Ruff Paws, our choice for county dogcatcher in 2016.

This season’s Fur Party candidate blends the instincts and savvy of a classic insider. A keen sense of smell and remarkable knowledge of his prey sets Ruff apart from the competition. His on-the-job performance since 2008 qualifies him for the executive spot.

“The other dog catcher wanna-bees don’t bring this kind of resume to the table and many still climb on the furniture and run off when not tethered,” said one supporter who adds that she’ll vote for Paws hands down over the others.

“It’s almost like he’s one of them mystics, you know a seer…somebody that reads minds and can see through clothes,” said a woman who gave her name as Abbey, a professional dog walker over in Pinkeyville. “He’s inside their heads. He’s surrounded them.”

Whether he’s sniffing bushes or looking for the major bone we are assured that Ruff Paws will run a tight ship when it comes to four-legged delinquents. He’s tail wagging right for the position and we urge you to support this experienced trooper, this loyal servant. Vote Paws for Dog Catcher in November!

– Rufus Maxwell

Hunters Warned of Stoppages

(Spar City, CO   The Rio Grande News Leaker   October 15, 2016)

Most of the toilets out in the woods are severely stopped up after a week-ling super hero convention held near Santa Maria Reservoir and Bristol Head in Mineral County. Although authorities stopped short of pointing the finger, it is quite clear that the attendees regularly slipped out of their Spartan digs to enjoy the relative peace and luxury of camp ground restrooms.

Hunters wishing to enjoy the facilities in most of Colorado’s National Forests and state parks may find a little more than they bargained for behind the old swinging door.

“It’s a mess up there,” said one ranger. “Hopefully we can get the flow back before the big freeze shuts us down for the winter.”

The Superheroes, demanding anonymity, insist that none of the Bristol Head entourage had crossed the line. Many were angry at the implication. They blame the stoppage on deer and elk or an occasional pack rat.

“We know the difference between bear, lion and herd animal scat,” quipped the ranger. “This is something altogether different and on a mass scale something out pipes cannot accommodate.”

Although little is known about the digestive system or capacities of super heroes local police fear the worst. One officer told The Horseshoe that he actually saw throngs of these “men and women of action” enter a facility at Seepage Lake and overwhelm the facility in just moments.

“While there is nothing illegal about Batman or Wonder Woman using the john the condition of the facility was deplorable and criminal in the strictest sense of the word,” said the officer. “Hunters, even those armed to the teeth, should avoid these depositories until at least the combined deer and elk season in November.”

A spokesman for the Forest Service said the entire agency is bracing for a gala Donald Trump victory party slated for November 9. Many feel the potential damage