All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
SOVIETS WITHHELD HANGOVER CURE FROM PEOPLE
(Moscow-on-Ice — January 3, 2017)
The KGB and factions of the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 70 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of warm vodka, Tabasco sauce, Georgian peppercorns, vitamin B and liquid oxygen was discovered by Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1945. However, the paranoid leader did not make his findings known and, in fact, did not even share the cure with his best friends and family until he was on his deathbed in 1953.
The disclosure was released Monday as part of a further clean-up in the Kremlin. Current President, Yladimir Putin, has sought to distance himself from these goings-on.
“Mr Putin is too busy murdering his critics and annexing other countries to be bothered with this,” hacked a spokesman fo the Russian leader.
Stalin’s legacy lived on until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure graced the pages of Old Soviet Life, the former Communist Party mouthpiece. The paper did not print the exact recipe for the cure since it was reportedly “misplaced by Boris Yeltsin” in 1991.
“It’s amazing to us,” barked a Putin spokesman in a prepared speech, “that anyone could be so barbaric, so cruel as to withhold perishable data of this magnitude. All this time the Party was screaming about low production and absenteeism on the part of the work force and they may have had easy access to the saving catalyst.
The ancients had a cure for alcohol poisoning, as they called it, and researchers have been doggedly pursuing a cold trail in this regard since the Crusades. Factions of both good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first brewed beer in 3000
-Grigori Rasputin Jr.
Y2K JELLY SALES SKYROCKET
18 years ago in the Horseshoe
(Computerland — New Market Products Press — January 1, 1999)
Data collected from the fourth quarter of 1998 shows Y2K jelly selling abnormally well according to lubricant brokers and store managers nationwide.
“We have people coming in here everyday with a generator under one arm and canned goods taped to their foreheads,” said Melvin Toolula, exotic lotions fellow at Lewinsky’s Hardware here. “It’s gotten so bad in our strip mall that we’ve considered paving a couple more acres of pasture for parking.”
Although it’s eleven plus months until D-Day when computers all across this great land will supposedly take a memory powder, people are already panicked. Most are frightened of being without electricity, food and water.
“Have you ever seen a dog that doesn’t have an itch to scratch?” asked Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Laudanum Institute in nearby Reaganville. “He is driven half mad. It’s the same with these daily reminders of what happens when blind reliance on technology takes the upper hand. Who cares if the whole system breaks down? Viva la Anarchy! Maybe it’s our chance to start again. It’s clear,” he spat, “that we haven’t done a very good job to date.”
Social scientists liken the Y2K fears to the bomb shelter phenomenon of the 50s where affluent Americans attempted to thwart the devastation of nuclear warfare by building well-stocked bunkers underground. At the time, the accepted theory was that the inhabitants of these insulated prisons would survive effects of radiation poisoning and general contamination, only to emerge in an undisclosed period of time and continue the human saga.
“The probability of nuclear warfare is greater today than in the 50s,” chimed in Toolulu from his perch in information potions, “but the fallout shelter fad is gone, pretty much. Suffer the fools, my brave Portia…”
Toolulu went on to describe people running out into the streets looking up at something bright in the sky, then he fell asleep.
Meanwhile Pennywhistle continues to live in a limestone cave near Spar City, said to be populated by hordes of stalactites and stalagmites.
“They don’t bother me if I take my medicine and fumigate regularly,” said Pennywhistle.
According to other unrelible sources in all likelihood there is a far greater chance that a rogue meteor will hit the earth before 2020. In addition many astronomers expect the sun to explode on December 31, 2016, causing chronic global warming, virtually bringing the igloo industry to its knees.
Then, as if out of a bad Japanese horror movie, polar bears will begin the long migration south in search of food, which, according to the present food chain is defined as you.
“It’s all conceivable,” stressed Pennywhistle. “Why just back in November the Cubs won the Series.”
– Ripple Van Winkle
Norwood Left Off World Map
(Wrights Mesa – Topo-Porno Maps Magazine – December 31, 2016)
Citizens are outraged here with the news that the own of Norwood has been left off the recently published Rand-McNally World Atlas.
“There will be hell to pay,” said one longtime resident.
While locales like New York, Chicago and Los Angeles were represented without issue by a large spot on the proceedings, Norwood was nowhere to be seen.
“We even got out the magnifying (spy) glass and reconnoitered the wide open spaces,” said Elf Manchuwski, a hardware/software entrepreneur headquartered up Thunder Basin. “And still we found no Norwood. This Rand McNally fellow is really playing with fire.”
Manchewski plans to circulate a petition in Norwood demanding a recall of “the defective atlases” and a written apology to the citizens of Norwood from Rand McNally. He would also like to get his picture in the Norwood Post.
Many here are particularly offended by the snafu in that McNally is likely related to the McNallys in Naturita, known Norwood haters and probably poachers.
“The pizza deliver guy smelled like patchouli oil and cheap gin. I hated him right away, hated him for everything I had no experienced out there on the road…but that has absolutely nothing to do with the story I am about to share with you tonight.”
-Rocky Flats
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STUDENT KIOSK
Gunnison, CO December 29, 2016
The Western State Journalism Department will once again offer Home Letter Writing 101 on Thursday nights this fall according to “volunteer” instructor George Sibley. “This is in no way meant to be a review of the alphabet but more an attempt to motivate kids to write home to their parents,” said Sibley, “since that seems to be the source of the funding that keeps silly classes like this one afloat.”
Students and faculty alike are warned that a flood of Ernest Money has been circulating campus on since September 5. The counterfeit currency in question, a five-dollar Ernest Goes to Camp bill and several other denominations featuring Ernest Goes to Allepo and Ernest Goes to Free Community College are being passed to unsuspecting consumers as we speak. Luckily, more dangerous bills such as Ernest Gets a Hernia and an assortment of crisp new Gomer Pyle Joins the Marines bucks have disappeared in the vicinity of Webster Hall. Local police insist that either the bad bills have already been hauled out of town or that they have broken the largest counter- counterfeiting operation in history.
Students wishing to have their bikes stolen this fall are asked to park them in specially designated bike theft racks which are accessible to all local thieves who own a screwdriver or an ax. The bike racks are located at the entrance to all campus buildings and at major intersections throughout the city of Gunnison.
Director of the Hotel Management Department, Alan Cox, has announced a plan that would provide for the personal needs of students at WSC. Along with consultants Jerry and Dani Weinberg, Cox has perfected a new breed of hound which has a life expectancy of just 134 days. “This way students and ski vagabonds can have the companionship of a pet and not the responsibility of dealing with same at the end of their particular season.” Cox, owner of the Nordic Inn at Mount Crested Butte is not a rookie when it comes to the inventing racket. In 1978 he developed the first doggy dialysis system in which individual aid stations resembled fire hydrants.
An unnamed Western State student is in fair to stable condition Friday after consuming most of a 1959 Buick LeSabre. Melvin Toole, 22, of Lakewood reportedly ate the car as part of a bet. He is currently being held at St. Roscoe’s Hospital here and is expected to be released as soon as a succeessful oil change can be performed next week.
– Attila Diggins
