All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
POLICE REPORT
All statistics point to one striking phenomenon: Crime is on the rise. OK maybe murders in New York and New Orleans are down but there’s still a lot of petty thieves, cheap crooks and sticky-fingered thugs roaming about. The good news is that there are always cop jobs in the paper and fodder for journalists writing silly columns like this one.
A swarm of trash birds attacked several harmless ice climbers just south of Ouray. Police responded and shoed the ravens and their entourage toward Silverton. Nobody was injured but one woman, Emily DesPlants, of Boulder, complained of white stains on her parka. Later the same day police confiscated planet-friendly weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in Box Canyon by militants dedicated to ridding the area of the pests.
Montrose police arrested Zorro DesPlants on charges of menacing and destruction of private property. Apparently the former orchid tender has developed an elaborate plot to cover world trouble spots with Astroturf. At the time of the arrest he was attempting to cover the 3000 acre Edith Bunker National Forest. He may be charged with mail fraud, attempted blackmail and extortion just for fun.
A Ouray woman DeLuna McQueen was seen attempting to break into a local spa while unclothed. When police approached the suspect she began screaming at them. Police departed the scene only to return hours later to find Ms McQueen quite composed, quietly reading and this time fully dressed. A warning was issued after complaints by local mule deer who were distracted from nightly rounds by the intrusion. Eye witnesses were given a pat on the head and instructed to go back to sleep.
Amelia DesPlants, of Sapinero was arrested Friday on charges stemming from bogus dog obituaries run in a Crested Butte paper. Despite her tearful confession police opted to leave her in her windy trailer until spring. DesPlants is a suspect in acts of vandalism against USA Decay newspaper stands from Cimarron to the gates of Parlin. Moments after police exited Sapinero they picked up the half-brother of their first suspect, charging him with attempts to recapture his youth. According to the arresting officer Warlo DesPlants had dug a large tiger pit across Highway 50 and was hiding in the bushes with a nylon net over his shoulder. He is expected to plead insanity.
Telluride marshals have incarcerated Ruthie Roosterson, formerly Ruthie DesPlants in connection with the theft of a 200,000 square foot trophy home from the Mountain Village. Roosterson, a local cadre chef, insisted she was at the beauty parlor in Cortez at the time of the heist. A quart-appointed attorney told reporters at the jail that his client would claim political prisoner status and that she may have diplomatic immunity due to the presence of Leap Year.
“Being oneself is definitely an acquired taste.”
– Mercury Hempleman
ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED
(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.
“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.
“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”
Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.
– Warren of Wexley
“I challenged you to a drool!”
– Kid Saliva to Aaron Slobber, Bloody Hill, 1884
INVENTOR OF PANTY-HOSE FOUND STRANGLED
(Olathe) The woman credited with developing and marketing panty-hose was found near-dead in her sea-view apartment here this morning. A victim of her own devices, 98-year-old Ruthie Roosterson was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Daily Hospital at Montrose. She expired a few hours later.
Police have one suspect in custody, a Pea Green chemist and former French restaurateur, Maude de Flippante, who once claimed to have invented panty-hose almost three years prior to Roosterson. Flippante, then a resident of the Limousin Region of France (and vocal proponent of sensual legware), was promptly arrested and condemned to death for crimes against good taste and the comforts of humanity. He escaped during a change of governments in 1964 and came to the United States as a stowaway in a crate of Martel cognac.
Roosterson’s eager heirs were notified as to their dire misfortune last night when authorities informed them that there would be no inheritance since Roosterson squandered her vast fortune on low stakes slot machines at Tawaoc. They remain in seclusion, devastated by the news.
The sole suspect plans to plead innocent of all charges despite incriminating DNA samples found on the scene. A trial/barbecue is planned for late June at Pea Green Hall.
– Susie Compost
American Cheese Slice Survives Century Mark
(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties in front of the post office on Friday afternoon.
“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some sort of extensive cash prize for his startling discovery.
Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers here are willing to go for foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.
“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese lasts longer,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture.
According to the maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.
“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like things the way they are here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else.”
– Jolly Pena
Celebrity Shortage Spurns Action
(Montrose) Pointing to a shortage of celebrities living in Montrose County, commissioners here have decided to offer tax breaks and building incentives for bonafide celebrities who relocate here.
The initial blueprint, based on the incentive master plan that brought Wal-Mart to the city a few years back, features attractive tax breaks for the first five years of residence, a waving of existing zoning laws and a relaxing of tedious building permits and access considerations.
Durango has celebrities. Ouray and Crested Butte have a few. Crawford too has had famous residents. In Telluride everyone who has a post office box is, at least in his or her own mind, a celebrity. Why then, ask the commissioners, has Montrose been left out of all this?
“If we had just one authentic celebrity the others would come,” said one commissioner.
“This lack of luster is holding up progress,” said another.
When asked about the thousands of people who already live here who may be put off or even uprooted by the arrival of the rich and famous the commissioners did not respond. Later one confided to the press that celebrity presence would raise the tax coffers significantly through an upturn in fan visits, positive publicity about the area and an increase in sales tax.
“If the longtime population shifts or even migrates we cannot be concerned. Progress does not come easy and we need to keep pace with the 21st Century,” said one commissioner. “Just imagine Tom Hanks or Bridget Fonda on a brochure with the Black Canyon in the foreground. Just think of it.”
A plan to give tax incentives and other benefits to residents already paying the county’s bills was quickly voted down in the shadow of all the excitement.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Broncos Troll Wal-Marts For Offensive Line Help
A legion of Denver Bronco scouts have begun patrolling local Wal-Marts in the hope of landing some help on their offensive line. The NFL franchise, that experienced gaping holes, horrible run stats and inability to protect the quarterback last year plans to shore up these blatant inefficiencies and run the ball in 2017.
Although many of their discoveries have proved fruitless up until now, the team expects to find help in the aisles of the nation’s largest retailer. Acknowledging that many of the new recruits may be too slow to play football one coach says he will stay the course.
“Some of them are real big,” he explained, “flabby, obese and not terribly athletic. Many have never participated in team sports or daily exercise which has contributed to their sad physical state. Our job is to toughen them up. Two a day practices in the summer heat will do wonders.”
The source then continued insisting that the concept of tethering a lineman had not been discussed. He then employed simple physics to his projected formula for success.
“A body in motion stays in motion while a body at rest stays at rest,” he smiled. “Many of our best prospects won’t be easy to move on the line. They will simply stay in one spot and take up room. Often that’s enough.”
Other teams have responded to the move and have begun examining sources of talent in their own regions.
“These consumers are so used to buying worthless junk that they cannot differentiate between credit and cash,” said an unidentified scout in Baltimore. “We hope this reality will translate into lucrative contracts on our end. After we pay off their credit cards and get them on the field we will know how to proceed.”
– Fred Zeppelin
