All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Kellyanne Conway Doll Falling Flat in China
(Hong Kong) Sales of KellyAnne Conway Doll have been a fiscal disaster in China despite being pedaled by Trump interests with insider credentials .
“This is a wonderful doll, the best doll, the greatest doll in history,” Trump tweeted. “I’ve seen it on television and it might even be in my daily briefings.”
Kellyanne Conway Doll not selling well in China
Other members of the Trump Dynasty have been slow to show much support in recent marketing efforts. None are the least bit Chinese nor is Kelly Anne which many distributors say could be the problem here.
“Maybe some Asian features would help,” said one marketer. “Maybe a traditional outfit or cultural hook. We don’t have any travel bans on Kunming Cowboys do we? What, if anything, have we learned from the Hillary Clinton Doll disaster, orchestrated by the Democratic National Committee, in November?”
The model for the talking doll, and special advisor to Donald Trump, expressed concern over the slow sales saying that the only a segment of the Chinese really understand the product. Privately friends conclude that she is quite upset about what she sees as a rejection, but she continues to have faith that the doll will suddenly reinvent itself and fly off the shelves.
“We have over 2 million of these Kelly Dolls with a disturbing likeness to Conway,” said one Trump supporter. “I don’t think there are enough Chinese in Shanghai to move the dolls before Christmas. I just hope the administration survives that long or we’ll never unload them.”
Kellyanne has asked all real patriots to buy one in USA to support her material girl lifestyle. Vicarious living in a scrounger’s paradise is not on the daily menu of this Go Girl, who supports terminating social programs that benefit the poor in this country.
Meanwhile in Russia sales of the robust Vladimir Putin doll have lagged behind projections in part due to the surging popularity of the Donald Trump Voodoo Doll that comes with its own set of monogrammed pins.
Despite what must be disappointing setbacks for the First Family a new doll is reportedly on the assembly line which does not talk. An industry spokesman praised the new model adding that pre-production orders were brisk.
– Fred Zeppelin
Local bear given equal time on KBUT
(Editor’s note: This story will be easier to digest if one believes that animals converse in the local vernacular).
(Created Butte) KBUT Radio has launched a pilot program to allot air time to local black bear. Although details are still sketchy it appears both the station and the bruins are jumping foursquare into the fray.
“The bear are misunderstood and just want to tell their side of the story,” said station manager Jackson Petito. “We see ourselves as a community radio station and, like it or not, the animals are part of that small town pecking order.”
Solid public relations has turned human perception of the bruins from noisy, clumsy intruders who want to eat your garbage into intelligent, calculating pests who want to eat your garbage.
The entire movement has gone viral encouraging other progressive communities to act rather than coil in the face of bear intrusions. Local planners hope that the intrinsic fear of bear will counteract the fascination with rustic political negotiations and not create more publicity for a town struggling to deal with the rising tourist population.
“Just as long as they don’t touch the board and use the headphones, “ said one KBUT source who remained skeptical of the plan. “The last time we let them on the air over at the old studio we had three broken chairs and our controls were whacked out for a month. They didn’t even put the CDs back in their right sleeves.”
Some residents of the remote/urban Crested Butte zone do not understand that lazy bears are always hungry. The live on the fringe, out here in the forest watching for a chance the dine on people food. Surprisingly many are accomplished beer drinkers as well but are rarely brand conscious.
“You try hibernation…for just one winter,” said a black bear rights advocate who lives in a solar-friendly cave in Dark Canyon. “It changes one’s perception of time and of overall survival. It changes an animal.”
While generally docile black bear do pose a threat to humans in some cases. Exceptionally large males reach 500 pounds while smaller females can be overprotective of young cubs. Both tend to be cranky when hungry. In short, most confrontations do not lead to violence although the situation is highly unpredictable.
They are expert tree climbers, very adaptable and can move through the woods or meadows much faster than people. The smallest of the three bear species in North America, black bear forage over great expanses of country, filling up on fruits, nuts, insects, rodents and an occasional young deer or domestic calf.
“Hey, we don’t want no trouble.”
“We don’t take up parking spaces on Elk, linger too long in popular cafes or drive the price of real estate through the roof,” said one bear in sign language. “We are good, respectful neighbors and take good care of our young. It is sad that our detractors are spreading rumors that we are course animals and that we spend each night eating garbage, leaving scat, and making a mess,” said the sow.
The town has even considered dropping bear treats (organic and gourmet garbage) at remote spots on off Kebler Pass and above Irwin but that plan, kind as it may have been, was squashed by realists on the town council due to concerns of creating dependent animals and congregations of bruins close to population areas.
Once residents started tying up dogs and prohibiting firearms in town it opened up the garage door wide for these beasts of the shadows.
Bear fully support leash laws.
The majority of omnivores suggest that are waiting to be formally invited to one of the station’s popular fish fries but would show up at to Disco Night after the berries are exhausted and they start spending more time in town.
Bear don’t appear all that interested in people either way. It’s the people’s garbage that they’re after. Elk Avenue is over the top with summer tourists wandering and waddling. The bear issue threatens to the social flow which is already over the top. The eco-system here is quite fragile and cannot support increased grazing by any species.
“Hey we realize we can be intimidating and some of us enjoy it,” admitted one bear.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
No more newspaper!
After 40 years the newspaper version of the San Juan Horseshoe has been put to rest but the electronic version is here to stay. Read us on sanjuanhorseshoe.com
Trump body slams Pence, Ryan and Sessions on green
President Donald Trump body slammed two high ranking members of his administration and the Speaker of the House today after missing a four-foot putt. The gymnastic feats occurred on the 16th hole at his exclusive Truth Monger Country Club in Pokawanakipsie County, Florida.
The attacks came in perfect sequence, surprising a hoard of onlookers but not insiders, who say that pressures related to daily functions have finally reached a boiling point. Many feel the President simply overreacted to harmless taunts about his golf game.
“Paul Ryan laughed when he bladed a nine iron last month,” said Trump spokesperson Yuri Putin. “That’s why the President secretly hates him. He calls him the Irish Undertaker…Says he heard it on cable television.”
Mike Pence is not out of the woods either according to Putin. Only Wednesday the Vice-President angered his boss with an off-handed comment somehow comparing the Commander-in-Chief’s swing with “the movements of an antique waffle iron.”
While the other two stew, Jeff Sessions has apologized for joking about the variety of plastic plants that don the Oval Office. He’s alleged to have said that the President is (to paraphrase) way out in front when it comes to the plastic plant culture. In addition he prefers to walk 18 holes rather than succumb to the slothful golf cart journeys preferred by Trump.
This reportedly irritates the President.
– Susie Compost
Fish Alarmed by Cyclical Drought
Turncoat trout and Cock-eyed salmon have filed a lien on Colorado Department of Snow and Raindrops stipulating that docks and levees do not comply with drought specifications. The two species, along with longtime whipping boys, the rainbows, natives and browns, are demanding first water rights in the event of a drought.
Sources linked to water usage say the demands, disguised as a passing concern by some, are unfathomable and that the fish need to get a grip. They reminded voters that water storage costs money and the budget was stretched beyond belief.
“We can’t get a grip for them,” explained one DOW source. “They are far too slippery.”
Colorado fish pay no taxes and create a documented strain our social resources. Fiscal conservatives along with liberals suggest that the DOW divert funds from license sales to help the needy in rivers and streams. These pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears.
Of corpse counseling is available but there are cultural and linguistic barriers to contend with and often the limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates bring a bad attitude to the sessions.
“They all think they are the Big Fish when in fact they are insignificant whiners, said one local angler who baits his own hook and makes hush puppies in his bathtub.
“These slimy bastards think they have a right to water just because they have dorsal fins,” said a CDSR spokesman who commented off the record. They have even threatened to sabotage our crumbling infrastructure. Maybe we should start jailing trouble makers and undesirables under the Zero Tolerance Act like they do over at the War on Drugs agency.”
Private prisons have expressed little interest in including fish or animals of any kind in their prison population. Issues such as security and violence in the exercise yard are blamed for that hesitancy, even though an increased inmate count could be quite lucrative. The lack of legs and arms appears to be the dilemma.
“Very few of these creatures smoke anything or drive drunk so we have no means of punishing them for unpatriotic meanderings,” said the spokesperson. “I wish that people would stay in their homes and fish would stay in the water. Our gov’ment is doing the best it can do and doesn’t need rebellious input,” he gasped. “If the fish don’t like it here in America maybe they should swim to Mexico or Canada.”
– Uncle Pahgre
