All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Polyester Blamed in Brain Deterioration
(Detroit, MI Fabric of Life 2026 October, 2017)
Motown scientists say they have linked the use of polyester to mental dysfunction and the loss of brain cells. Teams of dermatologists from the Detroit Free Garment District and Cotton Gentrification Tribunal are convinced that the fabric should be outlawed before the Congress disbands in 2022. The research facility, badly damaged during Romanian air strikes in 2020, has tested over 7000 article of clothing from stretch pants to dress shirts.
“The purveyors of these fashion horrors should be banned from the industry and jailed,” quacked Miracle Miles, of the DFGD. “Their chemical clothing must be banned from our racks.”
The issue here appears related to the breathing capacity of polyester and the effect on the brain. For decades scientists have known the oxygen deprivation can be deadly. Now mounds of data show that persons who wear cotton are healthier and people who don the poly are at extreme risk.
In over 40,000 test cases conducted at the revamped Chrysler Assembly Plant here, deterioration was quite evident in every participant. Veteran workers, with a longer exposure quotient, were found to have suffered permanent damage beyond even the most radical rehabilitation techniques.
“This is bunk,” said one union steward. “These folks have been turned into vegetables because of the mindless, repetitive, and yes tedious work that they perform eight hours a day. We should not be surprised to see the level of unhappiness increasing in a society where people must sell their soul to feed their families.”
Many of the subjects, who have been wearing polyester since childhood, showed up for the first session with rashes and skin irritations thought to be related to constant exposure to inferior attire.
Congress, on an extended, non-perk vacation since 2018, is expected to return to Washington, when the water recedes, and then on to the Capitol for high-level talks on the matter
Uncompahgre To Run South in November
(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river, have petitioned for the project since 2007.
The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until at least early November.
“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but where do people go shopping?”
The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.
“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful river water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Howdy Law Amendment Travels to Senate
(Barnacle-on-Potomac) Western hospitality is alive an well after weeks in the House of Representatives. That’s where the populist Howdy Law has been hanging its’ Stetson since September.
Originally bulldogged into law by the Montrose (Colorado) City Council and quickly approved by the County Commissars, the Howdy Law has received quite a little press since it’s virgin implementation at this Western Colorado town in 1994. Lots of other municipalities and counties have adopted the legislation. Some have written it into city and county ordinances while others have simply encouraged the local population to live by the simple do unto others creed that is inherent to a healthy society.
The Howdy Law, as originally written, simply calls for outward signs of friendliness by saying Howdy to people one encounters on the street. It endorses gregariousness as a way of life and the end result is a happier, thriving population. For old timers it’s the only acceptable way to be, and is therefore comfortable in all social exchanges. For the urban refugee it is restorative and hygienic. It allows the soul to bloom in its new environs.
Now the federals are on the verge of passing legislation that would adopt the Howdy Law as the edict of note and quite possibly the prescription for what ails us as a nation. In most cultures a greeting is basic. Here in the suburb-choked, dollar-days USA we are more likely to run someone over with our shiny new car than slow down to belt out an topical hello.
At first the local Howdy Law was based on the honor system but after a few months a person could expect a toothless summons for any sign of animosity in the face of such a greeting. To be sure there were those who said their right to be anti-social was being eroded and the civil libertarians jumped into the fray. A lawsuit was filed and people got haute and hot. Fortunately the paperwork was mysteriously misplaced and the court records allegedly remain stashed under a pile of dog-at-large citations and drunk driving plea bargains in the quart house storm cellar.
In 1996, then Governor Roy Romero signed a breakthrough bill that adopted the Howdy Law all across the state. It became the bible for the tourist industry with dude ranches teaching their little dudes and dudettes to employ it on trail rides and ski areas demanding that their close-cropped employees say Howdy to visitors as many as 200 times per day.
What these greenhorn mercantilists often don’t remember is that the whole thing started here on the banks of the Uncompahgre River where the concept of Howdy is as natural as clear blue skies and as sure as sagebrush perfume. Despite rampant growth and questionable land use over the past years Montrose remains a friendly place. Even the cops say Howdy, then they put on the cuffs.
Do some of us think friendly is not cosmopolitan or sophisticated enough? The other evening in what was once a small town I stood in the checkout line at the grocery. There were lots of people there that I had never seen. No one spoke. Suddenly in my advanced state of Holy Joe judgment I realized two things, 1.) I was the only person, in elephant pants, a Hawaiian shirt and cowboy boots 2.) In my attempt to get on with the purchase of whipped cream and green chili salsa I didn’t say anything to anyone either.
Estrangement often predicates violence as the disaffected act out their fatal frustrations. We don’t have to bring up road rage or kids with guns to illustrate that point (the man on TV does that for us every hour on the hour). Maybe a crisp Hello In There, as song writer John Prine puts it, could defuse the situation. The feds seem to think so, and isn’t that entity infallible in matters of benevolent dictation?
Enough preaching. If all goes according to plan the Senate will vote on this matter of mandatory greeting tomorrow and the Howdy Law will be in the books (allow six to eight weeks for delivery) In other business, the legislative body will, in what critics are calling another pay raise masquerade, cast a final vote this week on whether to allow service animals into the chamber. How do?
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Police to man underwater checkpoints
(Montrose) Local police units will be patrolling lakes and rivers this summer in an attempt to catch citizens engaged in illegal activities under water.
Prominent sandbag checkpoints have already been established at logistical positions such as Blue Mesa Reservoir, Ridgway Reservoir, as well as the Uncompahgre River and San Miguel Rivers. Further security stops will be added on the Slate River, Miramonte Lake and at Taylor Reservoir as summer traffic dictates.
“In the past people thought they could get away with breaking the law under water,” said a gun-toting ranger at Ridgway Reservoir. “We’re ending a message to all citizens: We know you’re criminals and we’re watching you!”
Despite the pleas of Constitutionalists the checkpoints will feature SWAT teams in wet suits authorized to make arrests on the spot.
“Plus we’ll be filming these episodes for TV,” said the ranger.
Swimmers, even strong swimmers are warned to be on their toes over the warmer months. Critics say the authorities will give up the whole crazy idea when the first frost arrives from Canada sometime next October.
SCIENTISTS CLONE BUCKET OF WATER
A research scientist poses with archaic salination apparatus moments before successfully cloning a bucket of water at Gothic, Colorado. Investors here hope the discovery will ease water shortages and allow humans to continue to abuse the life sustaining element.
(Gothic) Scientists at the Rocky Mountain Biological Lab here have successfully cloned about a pail of water. Working around the clock since June these cutting edge researchers confirm that water was created, albeit in small proportions, after combining genetic cells of several indigenous species with captured moisture and a residue of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.
Other than that they aren’t talking.
Overshadowed for years by projects aimed at cloning everything from chickens to people, the water creation came about with little federal funding, the operations budget evolving from alternative sources. Many of the day to day expenses were covered by local environmental groups with the remainder of the research money coming from state and local water boards, militant ditch riders and ranching interests.
“Most water boards, especially on the Confront Range, made their contributions anonymously or under the umbrella of hastily contrived public corporations,” said Melvin O’Toole, executive director of RMBL. “They didn’t want anyone to connect them to this innovative approach in case it failed.”
The cloned water is on display at Tony’s Conoco through February 12 when it will be shipped to Denver for analysis. Already conservationists have filed a lawsuit to prevent the water from being adjudicated for suburbs and golf corpses in the Denver metro area. They say that once the phenomenon reaches the heavily populated areas to the east the Western Slope will never get it back.
Meanwhile scientists here say they can clone larger amounts of water just as soon as they gain approval from regulatory boards and the federal government.
“They want to make sure that the excess water does not adversely affect the price of existing water,” continued O’Toole. “It’s like oil, milk or many other liquid forms. An abundance of water could cause prices to drop and result in a negative impact on the market.”
Many local watchdogs contend that the price of water has always been in the bargain basement and that any new water in this valley would be welcome news. Acknowledged as the breakthrough of the last century, the creation of abundant water supplies will change everything, they say.
“What the rest of the Rocky Mountains does with this new found treasure is their business,” said one environmentalist. “Soon we may see more green fields, experiments with high yield crops, more trees, less desert and, yes, more golf corpses. We have skirted the issue for far too long thinking that new sources of the life liquid would be found. Now we appear to be on the threshold of ice-cold discovery.”
For decades physicians, set on pathological career advancement and fame associated with medical breakthroughs, have focused on cloning living things. Despite condemnation from the government and religious groups they have blindly followed task, the medical hierarchy smiling in approval.
“For no other reason than the earth’s overpopulation this research must be terminated,” said O’Toole. “We don’t need any more people. But we do need a lot more water!”
Moments after the announcement a host of corporate interests were on the scene attempting to file patents, carve out deals and make claims of the new water. They seek to control the cloned substance and thus sell it to consumers at exorbitant prices.
“It’s the American way,” said one real estate executive who seeks to gain rights for a 10,000-home suburb east of Denver. “We have no water now but we have to keep feeding the monster that we have created or he’ll turn on us. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. They get away with whatever they like. If the people ever rise up and take back what is theirs we’ll all be on the chopping block.”
O’Toole would not comment when asked if his research would lead to the cloning of snow. He did say, however that the RMBL needed storage containers, cisterns, troughs and a backhoe so as to continue to clone the wet gold.
“What good is anything without water,” O’Toole pontificated. “So what if we drill for a million barrels of oil? It can’t keep people from their thirst. What good is a pickup load of gold if the driver is parched? We envision two men. One has a bag of gold, the other a cup of water. When push comes to shove which one would best benefit from an even trade?”
O’Toole went on to assure supporters that his water was of the finest quality and tasted just like all the other water in the region.
“It’s fresh, clear and bountiful…and best when served cold,” he quipped. “The first thing on our extended agenda is to return the rivers of this country to their original state, then I myself plan to take a long, hot shower.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
