All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Martian Web Site Discovered

(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the Viking they did it from a home computer.

     Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.

     “What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”

     The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet which has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything.

     When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.

     “It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.

     Meanwhile sources within the Trump Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “We believe the world to be flat.”

     Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.

     “We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”

     The two boys have been taken into protective custody by government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if its a hoax. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space.

-Muriel Boteliff

GOP Scheme Seeks to Anglicize Southwest

A plan calling for the gradual Anglicization of Southwestern locales with Spanish names appears to have the House stamp of approval.

Called a deterrent to migration, the move has offended almost everyone. A map with the newly named towns and cities is planned for the north side of the wall. The south side of the wall will be left blank for anti-American graffiti that will be added later.

“We have the votes,” said one wealthy senator from the Know Nothings.

“No you don’t,” screamed a Whig, shaking his walking stick in the air.

“Asshole.”

“Asshole.”

Well-known, prominent southwestern cities and towns that might be destined for disruption include Santa Fe, Laredo, San Antonio, Chama, Buena Vista, Palo Alto, Mancos, Cortez, Mesa, Espanola, Del Rio, Dolores, Las Cruces, Reno, Salida, Sierra Vista, El Paso, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Raton, Rico, Nogales, Escondido, Arroyo Hondo, Casa Grande, San Luis Obispo, Monterrey, San Francisco, Durango, San Luis, Mosca, Corpus Christi, Antonito and Colona. Get it?

Although nothing has been etched in stone, geographic luminaries say Santa Fe would soon be Saint Fred, Los Angeles would be Carbon City and Durango renamed Roseville. Mesa Verde, San Juan and LaPlata are on the moniker chopping block as well but, as one backer of the bill said, “We can only work so fast.”

Moving swiftly but taking note of religious names in place, one wealthy evangelists wants to name all of the towns after Biblical places and a few after himself.

If we use saints we want real American saints,” said Phillip Pharisee of Villa Basura . “

At present many favor renaming the colonial and mission designations after elected officials, military leaders, sacred cows, lobbysists and mega corporations in the United States.

During a Money First enchilada dinner protesters held signs saying, “This land is my land” and “Mi lugar, su camino” They were soon forced from the hall by counter demonstrators who do not spell or speak their own language well.

“Once we get these names corrected we’ll move on the rivers, canyons and mesas…oops I mean “table top mountains”…soon we’ll have the whole place sounding like the real America.”

The bill goes back to the Senate Thursday if the gov’ment stays open.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Carnival Barranquilla, Colombia!

ABANDONED SHEEP HAZARDOUS ON SLOPES

(Vail) The growing problem of abandoned sheep in Western Colorado is approaching epidemic proportions according to a filtered statement released by Colorado Ski Country on Thursday. Skiers are warned to beware of the woolly obstacles in areas where snowfall is light. Over 52 collisions have occurred since Christmas.

     Transient ski bums, who often discard their winter pets at the end of the ski season, are being blamed for the conditions. The poor sheep, made stupid by years of cruel breeding, have no other choice than to return to instinctual habitats which provide safety from predators and minimal nourishment in the lean months.

     “Sure, our slopes attract all kinds of animals due to general serenity and the extreme grazing potential,” said E.F. Mutton, a broker employed by the state tourism bureau. “The reality is frightening for mammals of all kinds and dangerous for plants and minerals too.”

     Electric fences have been installed at Crested Butte in an effort to keep the woolies off the slopes and the skiers in bounds. Many of the intrusive animals brandished signs saying Bo Peep-No steep and We’re sheep and we vote!

     “We have a lot of trouble distinguishing the clever sheep from snowboarders,” said one lift operator. “We’ve had meetings and organized night patrols. All we’ve concurred at this time is that the sheep are better mannered.”

     A recent collision at Telluride resulted in an impromptu lamb roast at Gorrono Park while at Monarch a shoot to kill ordinance has been adopted. Ski Dallas has shut its lifts down permanently even though no sheep have been seen within ten miles of the place. Powderhorn, long a sanctuary ski area, did not respond to our herding efforts earlier in the week.

     What is making matters worse down in Montrose is the increase in the price of lamb which tempts poachers from as far away as Pea Green and Hoover’s Corner.

     “The price of a lift ticket doesn’t seem quite as high if one can harvest a few sheep during the day,” stressed Mutton. “We can usually spot trouble early since these kind of skiers carry 22s instead of poles.”

     The authorities agree that it is people who should shoulder the responsibility of avoiding sheep. One innovative ski baron at Purgatory suggested offering the sheep limited discount passes in return for vacating heavy traffic areas and busy weekends. Most resorts have opted for feeding programs in Wyoming and Utah.

– Rex Montaleone

“Off with their heads.” – The Queen of Hearts

     

WINTER STEW

Attention organ donors: Please use back steps during all future charitable endeavors and deliveries. The front door in the strip mall is too tight and cannot accommodate larger musical gifts. Sorry but we will not be accepting any pianos in 2018 since they are the instrument if the devil and all. Rev. Ed, Temple of the Metaphysical Constipation and Induced Remorse .

Conversational English for native English speakers will feature the workshop “Butchering Idioms” with Efram Pennywhistle and his orchestra sometime in March, either in Gunnison or Hinsdale County. No one will be permitted into or out of the hall after the performance begins. This means you.

 The Trigger Finger Saloon in Cahone will not longer be serving food in the existing dining room so as to give our customers more room to fight. Not associated with the Little Chef or The Lariat Lounge.Thanks.

CHECK OUT Our Famous Tri-Annual – Off -Season Sale on Fly Parts, new and used .Hard to get parts, rebuilt wings, parts for large flies, legs, head replacements. Sorry we can no longer guarantee the reconditioned transmissions or visual apparatus in the model F Horsefly 400, Series 1963–1968. If one has to live with flies at least live with serious renovations/replicas.

Lost: Silver hood ornament from a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker in Montrose crosswalk Friday. Child’s pet. Reward for return. M. Toole, Wimpton Bait and Tickle.

Need ghost writer(s) to help create at least 50 Utah jokes for my new book entitled Fifty Utah Jokes. No mumbo-jumbo. Mack the Hack, Box 86, Pine Syrup, MI.

Will trade tickets to Barbara Streisand/Iron Maiden Concert for small caliber handgun. Blind Box 444, Horseshoe.

Mail order brides from Mars and Venus. Many domesticated. Send for brochure. Be sure to state galactic and gender preference. Ben Gamone Astral World III, KC, MO 64141

The Department of the Interior is downloading your National Forests! What can you do to stop this senseless sell-out of our natural resources? Send $15 to Can’t See the Forest Fer the Trees, 24 Erosive Circles, Armageddon, Utah

Yoga Flagpole sitting by the week or the month. It’s the ultimate Rocky Mountain High! Classes forming Tuesday. Nets available too. Colona Grapevine Vacations.

Found: Do you own a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker that is missing a silver hood ornament? If so please call St. Roscoe’s Hospital ASAP. It was surgically removed, only this morning from the posterior of a crosswalk pedestrian who should have looked both ways. Contact Dee Catheters in Bionics.

Need self-starter to teach engine block and hillbilly English to illegal employees over at Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse. I would do it myself but it conflicts with the evening happy hour. Mabelle, Pitkin.

2017 Tiny Reindeer Jerky will not go on sale until at least February 31. We have only seven this year and are not currently accepting new customers for next year. Please, no more phone calls until after June 1, 2018. Sandra Claus, North Pole.

Annual Bankruptcy Party. Tuxedos mandatory. Can you really prove that we have your money? Who’s On First National Bank, Next to Salvation Temple #5, Wimpton Superplex. No credit cards accepted.

Bright energetic swordsman needed for capon sessions. Must have own car and cutlery. Ima Hostess, Ltd., Manana, CO.

There will be a potluck held at Pea Green Academy on March 15 for all deer and elk displaced by the recent farmer’s season. All proceeds go toward hunter education classes in the fall. Thank you.

Is Karaoke getting under your skin? Together we can put an end to this and other mad, senseless noise in what should be a quiet dive bar. Interested? Send SASE to Quiet Down and Drink International, Milli Vanilli, 1234 Mr. Microphone Blvd. Aurora, CO.

Certified and bonded brakeman with sunny disposition and no felonies will break horses, dishes, wind, simultaneously or at the same time. Small fee for carfare. Blind Box 45, Horseshoe.

For sale: Plastic vomit “prop”. Used only once during fraternity pledge drive. Will trade for bi-focal ski goggles, in-dash microwave oven, and three pool table legs. Act today and I will throw in a one-legged parrot (goes with the pool table) and some old mounting goats that I have lying around here somewhere. Herb Ditchwater, Out Back, CO.

Doublewide? Stop drinking pop. – a friend

Sick of raking leaves? For one small fee we will cut down all of your trees and be done with it for generations to come. Wanderlust Organic Demolition. See our ad in the Jello Pages.

Bach Worship? Uptight piano seeks tough love counselor. Antique. Obsessive-compulsive key counting disorder, fear of benches, guilt over the demise of exotic beasts. The usual. Correspondence accepted at 22 Toole Gardens, on the dump road in Manana.

Insignificant pawn seeks kings, queens, knights and bishops for possible winter games/romance. No rooks. Vegetarians considered. Checkmate Services. Must be 21 years of age or have note from your cat.

Odor eaters anonymous meets every Friday and the LaVeta Hotel in Gunnison.

Free to a good home: “Warren” our often-loving quarter horse-pit bull mix. Wonderful with children if they are not home. Good lap companion just so long as one does not wake him. “Needs his space”. He eats too much for us to keep him. Amanda “The Panda” Phlake, Hotchkiss Sweet Meats.

Earn minimum wage working in a multi-million dollar Fortune 500 company. Glamour, advancement potential, travel, free parking, annual charity potlucks, ham on Christmas. Send resume to American Solutions Inc., c/o Dr. Ima Nuff, Patriarch.

The United States Homeland Security Agency is looking for security associates to find bombs and other contraband on passengers who have already paid outrageous airfare. Incompetent? No worries! No experience necessary. We will train. Badge and uniform for small administrative fee. No international terrorists with weapons or little town grandmas smuggling marijuana will pass! See Mr. Glick at the Wimpton Airlift Hollandaise Inn between March 26 and the end of the world.

Gold Digger SWSB seeks wealthy petrified sponsor for coming summer season. Interests include eating out, recreational drugs and solo overnight trips to Vail. Need own living quarters and private entrance. Access to credit cards and checkbook a definite plus. In return will keep the vehicles filled with gas, will go to liquor store daily and operate remote control on TV. Older gentlemen only please. Send complete financial statement and round-trip airline ticket to Rosie Mogul, 33 Milk Avenue, CB, CO

Kittens for Easter! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come Mother’s Day and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2019. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1300); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty. 3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed. No Czechs accepted. No Irish.

2019 calendars for sale. Could be worth millions if the world ends in 2018. Syd Fahrtdt, Sassafras Pass.

Warning: Snowmaking operations will continue as scheduled on Molas. Coal Bank, Red Mountain, Wolf Creek and Lizard Head Passes unless otherwise posted. Indications are that the snow will be white. Colorado Ski Country.

So what if the dollar is going down? SEND TREASURY DEPARTMENT SPAM-O-GRAMS this winter! 10% of all net sales will be donated toward balancing the federal budget. Get real! Everyone loves Spam-o-Grams!

International Corporations are Un-American. They answer to no gov’ment and turn your natural resources into plastic cell phones and molybdenum bird baths. Learn Baby Learn, Bear’s Ears, Utah

Need persistent man or woman to sell New York Yankees caps in Colombia. Celery and commission to right person. Jeepers Jeters, Florida Marlins.

Wanted: Persons interested in recycling Pizza Huts, McDonalds, Burger Kings, Taco Bells and Applebee’s into alpine pastures, white sand beaches, thriving wetlands and flowing prairies. Particularly seeking people with access to demolition equipment and recipients of explosives training c/o the U.S. military. See April any day but today over the lunch hour under the Chipeta Land Bridge.

Oral Roberts was a cheerleader before he underwent a sect change operation! Get it? Thousands of great jokes like this one can be right on the tip of your lips. Preachers, teachers, politicians, speechwriters, college professors, salesmen, barbers…anyone with a mouth can benefit tomorrow! Cheap. Cole D. Sack Press, Sand Creek, CO.

Lost: King-size waterbed on Ohio Pass. Call Flo on the other side.

Free to good home: Custom made dentures. I hate the bastards. Acquired in 1979 and used only during meals since that time. Tobacco chewer preferred. Mona Fange, Sapinero Beach Estates.

We think one of your livestock needs a talk show of his or her very own. What do you think? Imagine one of your bovines sitting cross-legged discussing weight loss techniques or a rooster at the end of his seat praising great literature! Dogs and cats eligible too! Send $35 for starter kit to Melvin O’Toole, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.

Notice: The Information Highway running from Mack, Colorado to Garden City, Kansas will be closed for paving operations through May. Please arrange to take a detour on roads less traveled during the height of the American civilization, before computers ran everything and people were taught to ignore their instincts in favor of instructions printed in Chinese. Your friends at Colorado Division of Transcendentalism, Denver.

LAME DUCK PRESIDENTS CALENDAR FOR 2018. $50 to Kid Riyadh Productions. Allow 12 months for delivery. Please send references to Hillary Clinton, Rich Attorneys For a Better America, 37 Wall Mart Circle, Whitewater, Arkansas.

For sale: 2008 Corvette – $200 or best offer. Cigarette lighter doesn’t work and although I would never even think of smoking tobacco it’s ruined in my mind. One of the tires is leaking too and the windshield is dirty. Muffy at extension 4, in Aspen or call my cell phone in Vail.

Get a jump on the holidays in 2018! Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Scenes in black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.

Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy spring.

Hey St. Valentine: Yo dude.

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good weekends only. I work during the week. Rudolph.

Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your Valentines lisp. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Ben Gray’s Wild West Show.

Why kill a turkey or a pig for Easter dinner when fish sticks are already dead? – Manny, Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Chama.

Fake Coals Mines Popping Up in Unlikely Spots

A throng of fake coalmines have now appeared on the landscape leading environmentalists to conclude that it’s another latent smoke and mirrors move by the current Administration. The mines have cropped up in spots never before believed to have coal under them.

One of the largest of the excavations is in the middle of Iowa, a state that voted heavily for Trump in 2016. Other extraction stations/mines have been hastily thrown up in Nebraska and Kansas. Often the facilities consist of phony shafts and false front above ground buildings. Hydraulic jacks litter the grounds, accentuated by draglines, shearers, piles of coal and tunnels to nowhere.

Smaller mines are reportedly under construction in such non-traditional locales as Mississippi, Texas and Wisconsin – states won by Trump – where playing to a pro-coal base/ideology appears to be getting some positive attention.

No new “cardboard buildings, forged production figures, counterfeit tunnels or bags of coal dust hauled from other locations, are present in coal belt states such as Kentucky, West Virginia or Colorado, leading critics to accuse the White House of grandstanding with no plan to follow through on flimsy promises to fossil fuel enthusiasts.

“Trump is playing games here with a tell-them-what-they-want-to-hear message peppered with untruths that have become synonymous with his reign,” coughed a retired miner.

The short-sighted mining interests have even introduced a little union busting and parasitic company store ledgers to lend authenticity to the moves,” said one former EPA official. “Many of us in opposition are like those “bear of Madam Bovary banging on pots and pans trying to get the attention of the stars.”

It was not known if a plan to build a wall across the southwestern border of the country would feature fake concrete thus falling in line with this coal scam. Many see the wall as an extension of ego on the part of the White House and conclude that the plan is already out of control. Already many Texas ranchers are at odds with what they call Humpty Trumpy’s Wall.

A source in the GOP House told the Horseshoe that false front banks, schools, bridges, churches, courts and assembly halls are projected for completion 2019.

“It’s our way of saving the infrastructure so important to every tax payer and their grandchildren who will be paying for all of our fiscal voodoo,” said General Worthington Bulbous, the last man who actually comes to work at the Pentagon.

“Although these do nothing to generate electricity they are preferred over windmills and solar power,” he said off the record. “Much of our constituency remains convinced that these methods are sinful and will lead to a crash. Now where do you suppose they got those ideas?”

– Fred Zeppelin