All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Sorry to have mislead you…
In last night’s edition we erroneously reported that our man was Toole chased through Bogota (Colombia) Airport by small, unidentified men wearing Jeff Sessions masks. This may not be entirely true: After cross-examination it turned out to be just a dream enabled by late night arepas with sardines, aguardiente and chocolate ice cream.
We hope that our reader will continue to trust us to provide only the truth herein, as standard bearer for what is clean, concise veracity in the dissemination of information. We pledge fidelity, integrity and dedication with regards to the Truth of the Day despite the fact that it often runs the gamut between bad fish and stale upside-down cake.
-Editor
Snowman in Colombia
Despite no snow in these mountains they still build snowmen.
Deer and elk not in compliance
(Ridgway) Wild herd animals residing in the mountains near here continue to be uncooperative in the efforts to keep the local park free of debris, especially of the fecal nature. Currently dog owners appear willing to pick up after their pets, whose numbers, compared to the those of deer and elk that use the facility, are paltry.
The city has posted popper units and paper pickup supplies at the park’s scoop stations. They have even posted the familiar: “It’s the Law” threat but the response has lingered well behind since the perpetrators have no money.
“It’s disgusting,” said one resident. “There’s poop everywhere. Don’t these animals have any pride, any restraint?”
DOW officials, consulted on how to solve these pressing problems, confirmed reports that they had no specific fix in mind.
“We have the same trouble up above timber line with the fragile tundra at risk,” said one ranger. “Our little signs keep 200-pound people honest but have little if any effect on 2000-pound elk. I think it’s time we give it up.”
A March study is on the docket to determine exactly how much of the problem is being created by the elk and deer and what to write off as human error. If the crisis continues the wild animals may be banned from the park in 2019.
School Lunch Menu
Montrose School District, January, 2018
Public service announcement
Monday:
Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed
Jerusalem Artichoke Soup
Lobster Cocktail with Pesto
Veal with Blackberry Sauce
Onion Risotto
Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets
Taylor Fladgate (15 year)
Tuesday
Tapas Plate
Roasted Kumamoto Oysters
Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge
Peruvian Potatoes Puree
Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple
Pressed Goat Cheesecake
Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)
Wednesday
Beetroot salad
Young leeks
Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry
Braised parsnips
Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice
Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours
Martel Cordon Bleu
Thursday
Escargot Pot de Crème
Carpaccio of Cauliflower
Langouistin Ravioli
Skate Cheeks Tempura
Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds
Clotted Cream Éclairs
Flaming Brandy Punch
Friday
Ahi Tuna Nicoise Salad
Pomme Frites with Truffle
Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton
Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise
Tomato Fondue
Chocolate Sorbet
Remy Martin XO
Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo
Horseshoe Readership Figures Disputed
(Colona) Dead people, ghost towns, morgues, fictitious literary characters, cartoons and in one case an entire hotel registry of guests from 1898 have allegedly been claimed as regular readers in the latest San Juan Horseshoe demographics survey released this week.
Along with these fringe aficionados of refried news the paper claimed 350 readers in tiny Maher, which boasts a population of 20, 7500 readers in Naturita and over 12,000 readers overseas despite the fact that there is no mailing receipt or any indication that the paper has left the country.
In addition the publisher has named included his mother on the subscriber list at least 30 times and claims regular perusal by dogs, cats, livestock and exotic birds.
“How they got hold of the team rosters for the NHL, NFL and NBA is anyone’s guess,” said investigating officers sent to Colorado by the FCC. “Claims that all of the players read every issue are common balderdash.”
The principals at the paper face prosecution for misleading advertisers, mail fraud, and illegal dumping.
“We became suspicious when the Horseshoe readership figures outpaced massive urban dailies like the New York Times and the San Francisco Chronicle,” said one of the federal snoops. “In one case the Western Colorado flyer registered digestion levels higher than the Denver Post and added that its pages were interpreted by “a high percentage of the filthy rich.”
Publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe told the press that he expects to beat the mail fraud rap but that the littering infractions might stand.
“We can’t deny hard evidence like the papers in the Uncompahgre River but I expect that our sales associates will go on lying to advertisers just like before. In over 42 years of publication “dressing up the truth” and “painting pretty pictures” has become tradition and is still in vogue.”
Horseshoe went on to say that there is no proof that the dead cannot read and that hundreds of tropical birds and puppies often catch a glance of headlines or scan the obituaries while doing their business.
“They represent documented readers,” he laughed. “Many, in fact are contributors as well.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Toole Boasts About Bluffing to His Readers
“The inside of my head is far more interesting than city council meetings and gov’ment press releases. I prefer to make up the news.”
That’s what one man told us when asked about the ethics of spreading mistruths.
Satire is often based on some ridiculous twist of fate or departure from reality. It only wants to entertain. Lies or fake news is an attempt to change one’s behavior and opinions by presenting falsehoods on which to base future action.
Citing “Trump vs Trudeau” Toole argued that the court had found for the plaintiff and therefore dictates similar actions with regard to mistruths and misrepresentation. He added that the similarity of consonants at the beginning of the leaders’ names clearly indicates previous collusion.
Unable to read or write, the longtime copy editor made friends easily despite constantly stretching the truth for profit.
“One of the least confrontational chaps in a world full of ambush and pettiness.,” said longtime friend, Arthur Stanley Blurts, who was incarcerated from 2009 to 2011 for lying to his mother.
“I could bamboozle anyone from a sheik to a shoeshine boy,” whelped Toole. “I particularly enjoy lying to special counsels and public libraries.”
Making up statistics and gift wrapping them as the truth creates victims on both sides of the maneuver. The liar starts to believe his own lies while the lied to is thrown into a no-man’s land where no one could be trusted. Healthy human beings learn to embrace honesty in second grade.
“He not only creates all of this mindless intrigue in his head but he tells everyone it the real deal. People are so confused at this point that no one knows the square root of 49 anymore. That’s my lucky number so beat it. I’m on my way to see my sugar,” said Blurts.
Toole did not return our calls Friday. A close aide said he was quite busy on the driving range and afterward was expected at a liar’s poker tournament in the greenskeeper’s shed.
-Gabby Haze
