All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Patchouli oil spill devastates hippie stronghold
Hundreds of field hippies were uprooted when a flash flood of Southeast Asian medicinal oil destroyed far out bunkers and adjacent hemp gardens. Although the citadel was a complete loss the garrison miraculously survived the onslaught.
Kryptonite discovered in San Juan Mountains
A major deposit of the rare mineral, Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine near Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of waferboard.
Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.
Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become instant millionaires in just a week.
“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”
Since last Tuesday thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice at the Buen Tiempo Restaurant costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business and there’s no end in sight.
Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Zute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Zute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Zutes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.
In an official statement Governor Hickenlooper has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.
– Rocky Flats
Objects on this website are often closer than they appear
Onion Recount Concluded
(Montrose) A controversial recount of yellow onions harvested here has been completed showing no misconduct or wrongdoing on the part of commodity traders or the farmers themselves. Following the lead of politicians, many protesting ballot results in national and state elections, local farmers demanded a full recount of produce figures back in October when the crop was first harvested.
Although preliminary summations appear to have been correct many farmers remain unconvinced of prescribed tonnage results and the number of truckloads delivered to prearranged sights.
“We’re not dealing with mom and pop groceries and family-owned produce stalls anymore,” said one angry onion farmer. “It’s a whole new arena today, one populated by crooked brokers, out-of-town banks and other corporate interests. With low wholesale prices and increased costs we have to watch out for ourselves. Discrepancies involving so much as a truckload or two could determine who stays in business and who starts looking for other work.”
The cost of the recount is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $350,000 which will be extracted from state lottery funds and newly approved taxes on tobacco products. Potato farmers, an untrusting lot by definition, are expected to follow suit, with a possible recount slated for fall of 2005.
In a related development the over 10,000 onion counters participating in the action will not be eligible for benefits since they are classified as part-time agricultural workers and were given free lodging during the almighty quest.
“You still have to go to Confession but you can bring your lawyer.”
– Ed McMahon on the advantages of being half Catholic and half Jewish.
KNOT HOLE NEWS
PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS
(Rico) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds.
Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting the regions in the future.
“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the plan. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”
Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to Wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby.
“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, of Malfunction. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”
The feral gov,ment, all wrapped up in weapons production has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.
Department of Interior to start big fires
(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.
Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-October.
Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan fool-proof.
“We’re killing pine beetles and waiting until the fall colors have passed so leave us alone,” said Monne Santos, a former lobbyist who changes colors with the season and damn sure should know what he’s talking about..
Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to be done with annoyances once and for all.
“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”
Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season but cooler heads prevailed.
Biosphere III Filling Up
(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to house herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.
According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.
“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, the architect behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”
This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.
Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Colona’s Plan to Welcome Aliens Slammed by Xenophobes
Their tiny oval shapes hovering, zipping in and out of view, eager to the be the first on the ground. Astronomically diverse faces press the windows of the craft. Veteran crews awaiting the first liberty in five years, visitors from outer space living the life of a star traveler.
“The invitation to land was probably a bit premature since there are only a few aliens that we know of actually living in Colona at present,” said Sam Zonuvovitz, a liaison for the Big Bang Bible Institute, a curious think tank at odds with itself. “If a whole mob of them shows up this weekend we wouldn’t even know what to cook for lunch.”
Meanwhile in nearby Montrose it appears to be common knowledge among the chattering folk that most of Colona is of alien stock (Martian and Plutonian primarily).
“Despite the rumors, no belligerents dared approach the ancient fortress at Wildcat Creek nor have skeleton corps attempted a feared anvil and hammer motion to the north and west. Semi-flankers and irregulars were repulsed yesterday after accidentally storming Horsefly Canyon, and later pushed back into the sea of uncertainty. Other ragtag elements playfully showed their teeth but exhibited no claws, refusing numerable times to flank themselves and reinforce their fellows despite high winded urging of officers careening of Storm King and the fields of clover beyond.
“It is impossible to be flanked unless you are aware that you are being flanked,” said Zonuvovitz. “If you don’t know you are being flanked you are not really being flanked at all. Colona does not know enough about classic flanking maneuvers to be flanked. It’s that simple.”
– Gabby Haze
DISAPPOINTMENT VALLEY OPTIMISTS DISBAND
(Klondike Basin UPS) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club, long a bastion of arch-positive thinking in Western Colorado, has dissolved itself as of last night’s meeting. The club, boasting over four members, represented registered voters in the region with its own interests at heart.
The official reasons for the fraternal termination were not disclosed but one member told The Horseshoe that it had a lot to do with the Dugout Wash Grange Hall burning down in January.
“We were holding temporary meetings at Mario Crepehanger’s trailer but he didn’t have heat,” said the spokesman. “Then we moved the whole shindig over to the banks of Rabbit Creek but there’s too much fur around there and them rabbits got spots on their little livers this year. We didn’t really want to freeze or get sick so we all went home.”
Unconfirmed sources in downtown Egnar blame the sad occurrence on collusion among several international gravel pit concerns in the valley.
“Those guys didn’t appreciate the Optimists being around, throwing parties and bringing canned goods to the needy,” said L. Flem Cocklebur, who provided the club with whiskey for the past 15 years. “I think they torched the grange hall to further their own selfish ends,” he spat.
It was not clear at press time whether the remaining members of the club would restructure the organization and press on with the “larger-than-life” takeover of Slick Rock, that was on the docket at the time of their demise.
Anyone interested in joining the club or donating weapons at this time is asked to call Crepehanger in Norwood.
“The lovely patch of land surrounding Guantanamo Bay has for more than a century been a U.S. Naval outpost. It must become part of Cuba again. In return, the United States can have Miami back.”
– Tom Miller: If I had been Raul Castro’s Speech Writer in Trading With the Enemy
