All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

WESTERN CHEMIST ISOLATES FAST FOOD GENE

(Gunnison) Nutritionists within the academic community here were shocked at a disclosure relating to the alleged fast food gene and the frightening consequences. An eleventh hour discovery by Dr. Melvin Toolovich, Acting Director of the Body Chemistry Department at Western Colorado University, links genetics to insatiable cravings for fast food at distinctive age levels. His findings, as one colleague put it, are “earth shattering”.

In short, Toolovich’s theory strongly suggests that if a man 20 years old consumes an average of four fast food items per week his potential off-spring will be born addicted to this kind of fare. In contrast, if the same man embraces a balanced diet including fruit and vegetables his kids will most likely follow suit. Toole says it’s just like narcotics, guns and hair color.

“We think this linear body response has mega-burgeoned and can now be traced to the sacred depths of accepted nutritional standards. Unchartered, often unreliable  chromosomes that have fallen victim to other more subtle synthetic temptations such as Twinkies, cardboard tacos, soggy fish, plastic pizza and frozen egg rolls,” the doctor warned. “We’re just chumming at present.”

Currently tests are being conducted to see if simulated patterns are in play when a child breathes his first breath. Fast food bosses and their ad agency concubines are said to be waiting for the final results before commenting.

“We’re concerned that these burger and chicken barons will be jumping into the baby food market if the numbers line up right,” gasped Toolovich. “Can you imagine a greasy meat cheeseburger in a jar? “What can you expect when even our illustrious president lives on the stuff?”

As soon as the preliminary DNA tests are concluded, Toolovich will embrace further speculation in an attempt to determine if American foreign policy is at risk due to the state of decision making apparatus on display in Washington DC. Assisting Toole in this endeavor will be members of the We’re History Department at WCU.

“We’ll be needing about 15 or 20 student volunteers who already exist on junk food to complete our experiments. We may even begin to determine future potential within these ranks,” he explained. “We already know that performance and fast food intake are related so we don’t expect our brighter students to rush to our laboratory.”

– Rocky Flats

“It’s nothing more than a flesh wound…now back to your posts!” – Confederate General Kashmir Horseshoe to his troops, after a Union cannon ball bounced off his punkin’ head during the Battle of Meandering Thistle, 1863.

WAITING FOR COUSTEAU

A rural harbor. A pier

Evening

Estragon, sitting on the beach, is trying to take off his flippers and catch a fish with a spear. He pulls the flippers with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter Vladimir.

Estragon: (Giving up again) Nothing to be caught.

Vladimir: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)

I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying, Vladimir, be reasonable, there are other fish to fry. And I resume the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turns to Estragon.) So there you are again with a line in the water.

Estragon: Am I?

Vladamir: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you had gone fishing on that boat forever.

Estragon: Me too.

Vladimir: Together again at last. We’ll have to celebrate with a fish fry. I have French wine. But how will we catch such? (He reflects) Get up till I embrace you.

Estragon (irritably) Not now. Not now. I think I have a bite.

Vladimir: (hurt, coldly) May I inquire where His Highness spent the night?

Estragon: On the boat.

Vladimir: (admiringly) A boat! Where?

Estragon: (without gesture) Over there.

Vladimir: And they didn’t make you clean fish?

Estragon: Clean fish? Certainly I cleaned fish.

Vladimir: The same lot as usual?

Estragon: The same? I don’t know.

Vladimir: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…(Decisively) You’d be nothing more than carp bait, a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.

Estragon: And what of it?

Vladimir: (gloomily) It’s too much for one fisherman. (Pause. Cheerfully) On the other hand what’s the good of losing your catch now, that’s what I say. We should have thought of a net a million years ago, in the nineties when the whales still roamed.

Estragon: Ah stop blathering and help me pull this bloody one in. We’re going to be in an underwater film.

Vladimir: Hand in hand from the top of the Eiffel Tower, among the first. We were respectable anglers in those days. Now it’s too late. They wouldn’t even let us throw out a line. (Estragon tears at the flippers) What are you doing?

Estragon: Taking off my oxygen tank. Did that ever happen to you?

Vladimir: Diving equipment must be taken off each day, I’m tired telling you that. Why don’t you listen to me?

Estragon: (feebly) Help me!

Vladimir: It hurts?

Estragon: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! A spear hurts!

Vladimir: (angrily) No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you were bitten by a barracuda!

Estragon: It hurts?

Vladimir: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!

Estragon: (pointing) You might button it all the same.

Vladimir: (stooping) True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.

Estragon: What do you expect, you always wait until the last moment to set the hook.

Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?

Estragon: Yes, let’s go

They do not move.

Continued next month

“Loosin’ up your breeches, grab a hunk of chew, turn your skis downhill. Now go for it.”

– advice from early ski instruction manual, Red Mountain, 1907

Broncos Break Tradition on Wide Receiver Corps

Dog lovers and revelers on the fringes reported to having spotted John Elway scouting the Meeker Sheep Dog Trials last September.  He was also seen interviewing some dog owners after the event, penciling down cell phone numbers of Basque herders, while spilling his gin and tonic on his new sheepskin boots.

Following up this story and leaving behind all common sense, multiple messages have been received for yours truly at the local pub, concluding that we can expect to see three of the swift furry Border Collies starting in the Denver lineup as wide receivers against Kansas City tomorrow.

Local hero and presidential candidate, Melvin S. Toole has reported that this story is true but the Collies still have to be broken of the habit of bringing wandering sheep back into the huddle after running long post patterns.

Tim Menger

ap,  upi, kfc

Winker Convention in Town Next Week

(Sawpit) Over 2000 members of the International Brotherhood of Winkers will be arriving in Telluride Monday for a four-day stay. The Winkers, who have perfected over 350 types of distinct winking/eye gymnastics, are expected to have an extreme impact on sales of sunglasses and eye-drops here. Residents are reminded that this group spends quite freely and asked not to take their curious behavior seriously.

While in the region many leading Winker officials will conduct experiments as to the affects of bright light and premature darkness linked to the continued application of Daily Shavings Time. Local resident are encouraged to participate in a host of festivities sponsored by the group. All are free with the exception of the daily alcohol-fueled symposium held in Elks Park.

TOOTHLESS IN SALIDA

(Poncha Springs) After a month-long postal investigation it appears that Melvin Toole’s newly acquired store teeth may be cooling their gums over in Salida. He can’t eat anything but baby food. He’s losing weight. He’s upset.

On Thursday, August 6 Toole mailed his new false teeth from his Cranor Hill address to a dental office on Slaughterhouse Road for cleaning. Toole was not aware that all mail sent in town in Gunnison travels to Salida first. The teeth never made it.

“In all fairness to the postal service, this is a rare foul up,” said Karma Stampe, a third class administrative assistant from Denver. “We just don’t lose mail.”

Whether the chompers are in Salida or somewhere in between is still not clear. Toole admits that he did not include a return address or buy insurance on the teeth.

“They were only traveling across town, or so I thought,” he whined. “If I would have known it was going to be an epic journey I would have at least packed them a light lunch.”

Several citizens groups including the Highball Dance Ensemble and the Gunnison Association for Fallen Away Hibernians have come forward offering to chew Toole’s food for him. Officials hooked up with the heralded War on Slugs have also promised to throw a little weight around in Salida.

“Maybe the teeth are in Colombia or even in the Golden Triangle,” said one slug buster.

In the meantime Toole languishes under the perfumed awning at his marmot ranch north of Gunnison, a man once motivated, once a major character in an unfolding drama.

“He can’t even brush his gums without breaking down,” said Nettie Twyne, his live-in companion of 86 years. “I can’t believe the postal service could do such a thing.”

Officials in Denver told The Horseshoe that they planned to remedy the situation by sending all Gunnison in town mail to Montrose rather than Salida before returning it to its point of origination.

“That should prove more convenient,” said an official who demanded anonymity.

– Dinty Moore

WENDY PREGNANT, RESTAURANT CLOSED

(Montrose) The local Wendy’s Restaurant will be closed indefinitely due to the surprise (some say out-of-wedlock) pregnancy of its pig-tailed owner/front person. The freckle-faced slut was not available for comment. Sources here are suggesting just who the father might be.

“It’s very, very difficult to say who she has been with over the winter,” said a fry cook who claims to have been out of town since last December.

Conjecture has it that the father is either the Burger King, Col. Sanders or Ronald McDonald (and not Donald Trump as detractors insist) Since Wendy is a minor all or some of the suspected daddies could face criminal charges.