All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Philae’s Comet May Support Alien Life
(Mother Earth – Paradise Lost – July 10, 2015)
Astro-biologists confirm preliminary indications that living microbes are thriving on an unnamed comet visited by Philae’s probe last week. The organisms become more active as the comet nears the sun, warming the immediate atmosphere and encouraging the aliens to kick out the jams.
“This pretty much knocks the hell out of previously accepted metaphysical explanations for our origins and destinations in a celestial sense,” said Charley Chimpe, veteran space traveler who flunked Astrology 101 in his freshman year at Police State.
Philae is expected to make another rendezvous with the microbes next month in hopes of establishing primitive dialogue. Pentagon officials made incidental contact earlier in 2015 in an attempt to facilitate possible weapons purchases in the near future. – Marianne Marvelous
U-KLEEN-IT Motels Eyeball San Juans
(From The Palmer Street Journal -Downtown Delta –July 10, 2015)
A new approach, aimed at relieving the daily pressures of the hospitality industry, may be on the horizon in Western Colorado with the opening of some sixteen self-housekeeping lodges.
U-Kleenits allow the patron the option of cleaning his room, changing the sheets, scrubbing the bano and vacuuming so as to receive a discount of up to 35% from the management.
Custodo-Lounge Corporation, founders of U-Kleenit, which boasts three new enterprises in Northwest Colorado already this year, is reportedly taking preliminary steps to open a new facility here.
Custodo is the nation’s largest manufacturer of organic janitorial supplies. Its fine hosiery division did well over $125 million in 2014. U-Kleenits have already transformed the hotel-motel industry and are expected to take Western Colorado by storm come springtime.
The concept appears to be tailor-made for the bed and breakfast set but local innkeepers say the idea will never fly.
“People are too lazy. People are too sloppy. People can’t do the math,” said the six-star proprietor of Snyder Arms and Roadhouse, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“How can we expect these guests to make the beds when they won’t even do the breakfast dishes?” said Mary Waffle who operates a bed and breakfast locally. “Pigs.”
The idea is simple: Each guest checks into his reasonably clean room in the evening and in the morning he gives the place a serious once-over. If the place needs a maid he pays full price but if it looks good enough he can expect a discount.
“We’ve had a lot of trouble with the bathrooms, winced Belle Toole, Executive Executive Director of Custodo-Lounge. “It seems that people don’t mind taking out the trash or sweeping the floor but nobody wants to scour the ceramic, if you catch my drift.”
Toole leveled with reporters saying that they expected no new conflicts with state and local health officials.
“We have fine repartee,” said Toole, inspecting a room. “If they present a problem we just offer them a free room and they generally go away.”
– Uncle Pahgre
San Juan Wall
San Juan wall above Pleasant Valley in Ouray County
Utilities Accepting Livestock, Canned Goods
(Pea Green) In what is seen as a gesture of cooperation local utility companies will begin accepting alternative methods of payment for services rendered. Starting in November Delta-Montrose Electric, San Miguel Power and Gunnison Rural Electric will credit consumers who bring chickens, pigs or canned peaches to the front door. In December it will be eggs, calves and canned tomatoes that will be ledger compatible instead of hard cash.
The action comes as a result of lingering payment histories, fiscal incompetence and creative excuses for non-payment of energy bills.
In keeping with Script’s Manual of Commodities and Convivial Records the three utility concerns have adopted a uniform cash value for agricultural products when bartered. This official exchange rate will most certainly be extended to include automobiles and household items in the near future.
The rendering value of common livestock shall be as follows:
One lamb = 900 to 1250 kilowatts of usage; one small pony = 1300 to 1650 kilowatts of use; One calf = 1700 to 2100 kilowatts and one baby chick (must be crated and housetrained = 14 kilowatts. Ducklings, geese, fish and sage hens are worth slightly more. These and other credit items will be assessed on their own merit. For a complete roster of accepted items and applicable credit see form below or call your utility company directly and ask about the Cows for Kilowatts Entitlement Program.
“Persons wishing to pay exchange canned foods for energy credits must show detailed history of same from seed to can,” said Wayne B. Wayne, of the United States Consumer Fraud Division. “Wild animals may be used but must be cleared through the Division of Chaos or the Office of Coming Anarchy three working days before negotiation can begin.”
Small, dysfunctional amenities will be immediately sacrificed to Paradox, the Greek god of Talking Wires and Cyber Optics. Marmots, fur-bearing armadillos, toothless chinchillas and hyperactive salmon will be considered with approval of parent of guardian. No bunnies will be harmed, especially in front of the children.
Your friends at the local utility companies hope that these changes will help some of you come across with your monthly payments. Those who do not have access to livestock may be allowed to trade beadwork or take in laundry to cover at least part of these expenses.
– Warren Weatherspoon
The shame of the Western Slope Tourism Circus
Bathrooms for customers only
“What would you have them do, Bassanio, water the shrubbery?”
from The Merchant of Haggis – William Shakespeare Act II, Scene IV
Restrictive bathroom policies have given a new meaning to the concept of Where to go in Western Colorado. After the passage of meandering civil rights legislation since 1964 one major problem has never been undressed and remains a black mark on the country, more specifically to tourism here.
The right and wrong of privilege is deep-rooted in the American melting pot and cannot be discussed without dredging up old emotions and then flushing them away along with self-evident truths as to equality and the pursuit of happiness.
“It is scandalous, obscene and downright uncomfortable,” said Hector Plunger, a recent victim of the limitations. One would think that in the wealthiest country in the world some accommodation could be made for those who have to pee. I myself was forced to find a bush.”
It is common knowledge that the Bathrooms For Customers Only is perpetuated by concerns of cleanliness, employee time, product and water. Proprietors often feel that unless someone buys something he can just hold it until he gets to a more user-friendly environment.
Concerned citizens have already gathered sufficient signatures to put the issue on the ballot in November. They insist that it is unconstitutional to turn away a fellow human in need, no matter what the fiscal exchange.
“It is shameful that an enlightened society cannot pull itself up from the hateful segregation into a more tolerant atmosphere,” said Plunger. “In many countries the needy are simply charged a small fee to use the public facilities. It’s kind of like mass transit. They all have it and we sit in traffic burning fossil fuel. One begins to reassess the concept of progressive, no?”
The biased tradition may well come to an end after the next election, canned, if you will, through the resolve of freethinking participants in this planetary social experiment. However, much of the harm has been done and will linger for decades, like the embarrassment of wetting one’s pants.
Shall we then, upon out thrones, pass judgment on those who must hold it? Sure this may sound like some more liberal crap but isn’t it time to bring the skeletons out of the water closet once and for all? – Ben Gamone III
Mr. Gamone is a dedicated tantric pipe fitter
and urinal cake broker from Privy, Utah.