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World Profanity Finals Set for September

(Oak Grove) The prestigious World Finals of the International Profanity Championships will be held on the Uncompahgre Plateau this fall. The contest, expected to draw nearly 6000 participants, has been purposely staged in a remote spot far from little ears according to sponsors.

This year’s theme “blasphemy comes from the grandest places” centers on idiomatic origins, ethnic diversion and everyday curse wrods in the Fertile Crescent. Phrases, as usual, count for more than one-word utterances while nouns and adjectives demand a higher status than adverbs and prepositions. 

Gerunds, verbs functioning as ing nouns, will once again qualify in pole position. Creative blends of familiar lewdness remain in contention for honorable mention laurels.

One-syllable and multi-syllable categories will be included in what promises to be a creative time for all. Newly recognized bad words are acceptable entries so long as they exhibit logic, frustration, humor or a bona fide history.

A blue bonfire, into which attendees can throw all anal-retentive computer passwords collected over the past few years, will follow the contests.

-Uncle Phare