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Smoking Fines Confuse Court

JUDGE DECLARES MISTRIAL

(Montrose) For the man who lit up a marijuana cigarette at Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Saturday night it was good news. To the local factions intent on bringing public puffing to its knees it was a defeat.

At roughly eight o’clock, during the pre-bingo rush at Grady’s, local man Melvin Toole produced an illegal marijuana cigarette from his lapel pocket and fired it up. It took only moments for those nearby to realize it was not a Chesterfield. Some attempted to join in his reefer ritual while others were offended. Either way somebody called the cops.

The smoker then sat patiently puffing away glansing at his watch and making small talk. He then discarded the pot and lit a tobacco cigarette, and sipping his coffee began to read the menu. When police arrived he was arrested not for possession of marijuana but for breaking the city smoking ordinance. 

When the big day arrived Toole chose to plead guilty on both counts and asked how he would be fined. The judge replied that there was no fine for possession of a joint while the fine for smoking a cigarette in public was $300. After consultation with the involved parties the judge declared a mistrial based on insufficient evidence and because Toole was his brother-in-law.

The entire courtroom then retired to the judge’s chambers and everyone, except the children of course, enjoyed a nice illegal Cuban cigar.

Now wasn’t that a stupid scenario. It says nothing and was not even well written. With all the real problems that exist in a community one would think the writer could find something more meaningful on which to expound. However, we suppose that, in defense of the article, some curious issues evolved:

1. Why is Grady’s so busy before the Saturday night bingo game? Is the food any good?

2. How can a substance be so illegal and yet so easy to acquire? Isn’t there a war on drugs going on?

3. What fine would you levy on the alleged perpetrator if you were the judge?

4. Was this whole thing some kind of civil disobedience conspiracy or is Toole just a moron? How much did it cost the taxpayer to haul Toole in to court?

5. What would Fidel Castro have thought of the ending, you know, the Cuban cigar part?

6. If parents shouldn’t have any more children than they can take care of, shouldn’t governments take on the same limitations when it comes to making laws? More laws lower crime like more children lower the telephone bill. Let’s call a moratorium on any new laws at least until we finish our cigars.

FOR A PRINTED TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EDITORIAL SEND $2 TO SAN JUAN HORSESHOE, 2100 TEENAGE SMOKING IN THE THIRD WORLD CIRCLE, OURAY, CO 81427