All Entries Tagged With: "playing hide and seek with your neurons"

ID Theft Chips in Mail Thursday

(Salt Hake) The Internal Revenue Service, along with Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and The Veil of Forlorn Love have sent Plasticine Lumbar Frontal Chips to every American who voted in the last erection.

The horn-rimmed technology, barely discernible in natural light, is acknowledged as the latest in a host of solutions aimed at protecting innocent people from hackers and other scoundrels that roam the internet. It is easily inserted into the forehead or the lower jaw and blocks messaging while integrating sensory data.

“It’s like playing hide and go seek with your neurons,” said Dr Efram Pennywhistle, acting director of the Third Henway Institute of Moline.

Yes there are side effects: Some are fun and some may not be so pleasant. Many people develop fast-advancing personality disorders after the chip has been in place for an extended period.

“Just like cholesterol there are good and bad schizophrenic  experiences. Doctors can’t be everywhere at once.*” He explained.

Many Americans have already undergone car alarm surgery. You can do it at home, or, if you are homeless** ask someone to hold your coat and carefully insert the PLF Chip behind one’s largest ear. You’re done!

The ID Theft prevention chip (PLFC) is much easier to implement, says Pennywhistle

This morning an entry on Henry Institute’s website says:

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!

Insert our tiny chip with the full regalia of repetitious warnings and semi-invasive bleeps right into your noggin as easy as drinking a glass of water while standing on your head.

“If someone attempts to break into your head and steal your identity they will be sorely disappointed,” adds Doctor Efram. 

IT’S YOUR LIFE AND ONLY YOU CAN FOUL THE FUTURE

*We met a man on East Colfax that claimed to have over 1300 stolen identities crammed into one of hundreds of pizza boxes that cascaded from his shopping cart. His nasty scarf looked just like one that had been stolen from me outside the Satire Lounge in 1974.” – editor

“Real machismo is achieved when you growl back at that snarling junkyard dog and he goes and lies down by his doghouse with a whimper.”

–Quote from large-boned woman who paid tuition to graduate school by selling tofu tattoos door-to-door. You may laugh but she earned an MBA and is now CEO of the largest meat processing enterprise in Northern Argentina.