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Churches, Liquor Stores Competing for Salvation

(Manapew) Local churches and liquor stores remain neck-in-neck when it comes to implied comforts and financial profits in the salvation business. Although the economic horizon remains clouded, profits are up for both parties who offer distinctly different paths toward eternal peace.

According to the most recent figures, people here in the big ol’ buckle of the Bible Belt are still spending more money in the church pews than in the liquor aisles, but only slightly. With the summer raging on, a shift toward what sociologists call creeping recreational thirst may have a major impact on seasonal statistics. Whether these otherwise right field stats are hinged to morality or simply a matter of convenience no one knows.

A large control group, comprised of boozers in the pews, has yet to be introduced into the equation, making most conclusions irrelevant anyway.

Sources in the liquor industry as well as those affiliated with the temples of good news refused comment when tallied. Pagan groups have yet to return our surveys.

“Data is streaming out the window and head counts replace science,” explained one surly bean counter from her cubicle Thursday. Get everyone whatever they are drinking and let’s get down to some good ol’ preachin’.”

Social scientists contend that human nature can be chronicled through good and bad times by daily activity that seeks release and meaning. They add that providing simple answers to the eternal questions regarding metaphysics and sobriety are often enough to herd frightened people into camps that offer temporary relief from life’s stressful moments.

Many say that a combination of philosophies might do the trick while others see the two roads as highly incompatible.

“Often the guilt associated with organized religion propels the sinner toward the sin,” said another controversial study. “Too much Coors Lite and too much Jesus generally set the stage for disaster.”

“Moderation is the key,” say the experts. “The problem is that most of us can’t even find the door.”

-Alfalfa Romero

“Give us all a short, tall one.”

– G. Roscoe Lovingood, No Delay Bar, Montrose, CO July, 1978.