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Paper Donates Archives to Local Pound

(Manana) The San Juan Horseshoe has donated some 15,000 tons of old issues to the local dumb friends shelter here. The black and white newspapers, all in excellent shape, are meant to provide a safe, sanitary and sustainable answer to clean up procedures and speed up puppy training methods currently employed at the pound.

     The generous contribution will allow the facility to create a more serene environment leading to happier and more adoptable young pets. The issues, from 1977-1987 had not been reviewed since 2000 and were just taking up space.

     “The gift will provide comfort to so many,” said a tearful Averill Glee, who is allergic to cats. “The problem we have now is that our employees get distracted, reading the older stories and photos and the puppies end up peeing on the floor.”

     Pound Principals promise that these glitches will disappear in time. On the first day as recipients, staff covered about 2 acres in cage floors and lined hot spots on the geriatric wing. 

     Other local papers, attempting to get in on the recycle plan were turned away.

     “Their stories are too dated to use with young puppies. We feel that nonsense and satire are more gentle than banner headlines when it comes to potty time,” said Glee. “One must keep in mind here that we are not trying to scare the animals but rather soothe them at their time of need.”

     The newspaper plans to write off the gift along with mounds of cosmic debris and untapped potential curious to its popular website.

– Suzie Compost