All Entries Tagged With: "outer space"
—Notice to All Intergalactic Alien Craft—
It would be infinitely appreciated if all alien spacecraft wishing to observe, land/touch down on the earth this summer would pay particular attention to extremely dry conditions here. Drought, which may be an unknown entity where you come from, has reached epidemic proportions. As a result the discharge of heat, infra-red light, lasers, and an assortment of other technological application associated with ascent and descent may set the whole planet on fire! We appreciate your adherence to our burning ordinances as well and ask that you inform all crew members to smoke only in designated smoking areas and use spaceship ash trays. Also, we would appreciate it if you refrain from lighting fireworks, and hosting barbecues until further notice. And please see that your crew conserves water when possible (toilet flushing, bathing and even consumption, if you need it to survive). If you possess any information as to other approaches to dealing with this natural malady we would like to hear from you. Finally, if you or the members of your flight crew need further assistance on hotel bookings, jeeping information, topo maps or dinner reservations while visiting don’t hesitate to call the local chamber of commerce in your landing zone. Thank you.
Starter Colonies in Cyberspace Anticipated
(Hotchkiss) Scientists attached to the Roger’s Mesa Alien Study Institute at Lazear say they expect starter colonies in cyberspace by 2025. Crowded conditions and the lack of farmland on earth were cited as the major reason for human relocation to the otherwise uncharted terrain.
At present, research indicates that cyberspace is ready to support inhabitants and sustain life forms such as animals and plants.
“Most of us fall into one of those categories,” laughed Dr. Laura Borealis, Director of the Institute that was established to counsel dogs and monkeys sent into outer space in the 50s.
According to a host of filed reports cyberspace is endless enough since asphalt, tacky subdivisions and mindless sprawl, are still illegal within those environs. Although oxygen levels fluctuate and gravitational concerns have yet to be undressed, the scientists have given a firm thumbs up to the more than 200 potential homesteaders who have applied for high-speed trip permits and thousands of dotcom caches up to 80 acres.
“Cyberspace pioneers may feel like a one-eyed cat in a henhouse or even a dog on three legs right now,” said Borealis, “but they are a resilient group in search of a better life for their children where clean air and water are the rule and all is in sync with nature. Sure, things are mellow around here but that is not the case on most of the planet.”
Conflicts with the Hotchkiss National Fish Hatchery have been blown out of proportion, according to the director who emphasized that there is a place for trout, as well as kokanee salmon in cyberspace. Principles at the hatchery have repeatedly accused the alien study institute of mollycoddling recovering space travelers and secretly housing refugees from Aspen.
“I’ve pretty much had it up to the gills with these fishwits,” winked Borealis. We have always been careful not to muddy the water or observe the trout during intimate spawning moments. Any moron can tell you that mixing trout with the aliens, galaxy-challenged chimps, stressed out doggie astronauts and even our technicians is bad medicine.”
Borealis added that the fish hatchery people were simply jealous in that they are not allowed to send clients into space.
In a related development, NASA is calling agricultural experiments on the Martian surface “a dismal failure” in that tomatoes grown and picked green there before shipment to markets on earth taste like plastic.
“Even though they are all shined up and look exactly like tomatoes they taste like cardboard,” said one genetically altered NASA investigator. “They just ain’t maters.”
– Suzie Compost
