All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Anchor found at bottom of Irwin
(Crested Butte) A well –rusted anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted an illegal immigrant ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of disinterested onlookers from as far away as Paonia.
A nautical smiling face plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.
Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Headly, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since late December. Although he hardly survived the incident, his hair was still in place at the time of the recovery.
Headly disappeared moments before 2019 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening.
-Syd Fahrdt
Wigs and Ale in Dublin City
This fine pub near St. Steven’s Green in Dublin (Republic of Ireland) offers wigs and blended spirits. It is common knowledge that they rarely get so much as a hair in your pint. (O’Toole World Photo Service Severely Limited)
Black Canyon Name Change Backed by Tourism Council
(Montrose) Proposals to rename the Black Canyon today received support from local tourism groups and environmental organizations who contend that the current name is morbid.
A bill expected to go before the State Senate calls for a year-long study which might, among other things, create a new image for the dark, ominous sounding spot. Any decision would have to be made at the federal level since the current Black Canyon acreage is fenced off under federal administration as a National Park.
Saying that the term black misrepresents the natural beauty of the attraction, Sell Colorado, a West Slope economic development interest, suggests lightening up the name and thus attracting even more tourists to the destination.
“We like White Canyon, or Bright Canyon,” said Irm Peawit, Executive Executive Director for Sell Colorado. “We’ve had petitions suggesting Beaming Canyon, Brilliant Canyon, Clear Canyon and Cheery Canyon. Others favor Luminous Canyon or Radiant Canyon but we’re afraid of using big words with national reading levels falling off and all. Incandescent Canyon received a great deal of support but we don’t know if it will fit on our signs.”
When asked if the name Bright Canyon might be confused with Bright Angel, a famous observation point at Arizona’s Grand Canyon, Peawit frowned.
“We hate anything to do with that other canyon. It gets all the publicity,” she griped, “when our canyon is either deeper, longer or steeper, I can’t remember which one.”
Western Slope legislators have vowed to lobby in favor of the name change in Washington this summer. But, saying that there are several other more pressing matters on the agenda, the lawmakers expect the bill to be introduced some time around January.
“Right now,” according to one Representative who spoke anonymously, “the Washington DC House and Senate have the economy, Iraq, national health care, education, Afghanistan, the War on Terror, water shortages, crime, Social Security, pollution, the ozone, corporate corruption, drug abuse, border control, North Korea, NATO conflicts and gasoline prices with which to contend…and don’t forget gay marriage and the fact that this is an election year.”
A spokesman for Rocks, Trees and Bugs, a grassroots environmental group insists that the Black Canyon is at risk due to overgrazing by summer tourists.
“If we change the name to something more positive we can pick and choose who we let in,” said Muffy Hollandaise of RTB. “The formula is simple enough: We double or triple the admission price and limit access. We could offer weekend packages with breakfast and a guide. We like the name Ambiance Canyon or Quiet Canyon “where the deer and the antelope pay.”
Further sources at the federal level say these groups are missing the point. Committees for Public Safety such as OSHA and the North American Seat Belt Consortium stressed that, due to severe drop offs common to cliffs and drastic topography, skateboards, wheel chairs and bicycles be banned from the park.
“These people have other places open to them,” said an unreliable mouthpiece at OSHA. “Why do they always have to push? The handicapped have more access ramps and parking spaces than any other group in this country. The cyclists have bike paths. The skateboarders have their hangouts. Why do they have to ruin it for the rest of us?”
Still another developer, who owns 2000 acres adjacent to the park on Black Mesa, feels his plan to build a mosquito-proof dome over the entire park is a good idea.
“Despite the short-sighted criticism and the effete finger pointing, our Dome Canyon project could still spout wings and fly,” said Robert Mojave, a former wine maker from California who plans to build 4000 new homes near the canyon by 2021. We stand to make a killing on this project and we don’t intend to let some top-heavy, socialist, low-rent entity like the federal government dictate to us. Today’s semi-outdoor enthusiasts need protection from mosquitoes.”
Mojave went on to say that if the cities of the nation could build new sports stadiums the rural areas deserved domes over precious landmarks so as to promote insect-free, year-round use.
In other news the Colorado Division of Transportation confirmed that access arteries to and from the canyon would have to be dug up and widened to accommodate any increase in traffic there. The agency estimates construction time to be five years. Plans to hire a band to entertain stranded motorists was put on the back burner due to increased campaign demands and continued bad vibes from the local musician’s union.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
NHL TO OFFER BULK ICE
(Toronto) The National Hockey League today announced that it would go ahead with plans to sell bulk ice this winter if labor problems continue. While most of the sales would take place in Canada, there would be extensive exports of the frozen water to the United States and Mexico as well.
A spokesman for the league told the Horseshoe that most of the ice now in place in rinks from Los Angeles to Montreal would be either placed on the auctioning block or sold outright as an often temporary cooling agent.
“If these ragged players think they’re going to blackmail the NHL they have another think coming, heh?” said Lonnie LaBatt of the league front office. “They have accused us of siding with the owners! Can you believe the gall? Just because the owners created the league, gave us our jobs and write our paychecks…heh…do they think we can be bought?”
Meanwhile a player’s association source said that most of the executives attached to the game ought to show their true colors by cutting back on the talk and providing some action. He suggests that each franchise field a team comprised of owners, PR men, dysfunctional vice presidents and security personnel. This squad would then face actual NHL players in a knock down, drag out winner-take-all hockey game.
“We’d love it,” drooled Red McKoone, a rookie defenseman for the Detroit Redwings who is credited with collecting over 30 ears during minor league matches in and around Saskatoon since 2002.
Getting back to the ice sales, one executive explained that ice is a renewable resource and that it may as well pay its own way.
“If we turn off the cooling systems during a work stoppage we will inherit a pool of water,” he gestured. “If we pay to keep the stuff frozen we lose money. But if we break it up, bag it, and sell it through convenience stores and groceries we could make a killing. Imagine buying genuine NHL ice!” he shouted. “Why would anyone want anything else!”
A Western Colorado test market has reportedly been arranged for the experimental sales of the ice. Outlets in Parlin, Placerville, Colona, Austin, Whitewater, Maybelle, Bedrock, Sargents, Cahone and Rico should be receiving the new product by Wednesday. Smaller market areas should be included in the sales zone by Thanksgiving.
– Fred Zeppelin
Flying Columns
“Even in the middle of 1920 the entire (IRA) Brigade armament was only 36 serviceable rifles, some primitive bombs and 20 revolvers. This was the force that was to attempt to break by armed action the British dominance of seven centuries duration.”
– from Guerrilla Days in Ireland by Tom Barry
Capsulized Angler Psychograph
It’s time again for all those anxious anglers to surry all over our beaches and banks in search of the big catch. Since we all have to deal with their odd rituals it may help to classify these sportsmen by pattern of behavior and motivational structure. Once each fisherman is carefully placed in the correct category we can all relax and get a good night’s sleep once again. Pass the tarter sauce.
Quid Pro Cooler – This type of fisherman is only interested in filling up his cooler and getting back to the bar to watch baseball or bowling. He generally shows up on site with a cooler full of generic canned beer and becomes annoyed if he cannot immediately fill the space vacated by each beer with a cooperative fish. This kind of sportsman does not generally obey limits, sneers at game wardens, throws trash on the bank, snores when asleep, spits on the street downtown and may even be fishing without a license as we speak. But we suffer through a tourist economy here and we are happy to have him. Although he rushes off every morning before dawn in truth he’s a hack and cannot tell the difference between a slimy kokanee and canned salmon since his taste buds have been sabotaged by cheap cigars. Best way to deal with Quid Pro Cooler fisherman is to spike his salmon eggs.
Proverbial Troller – This creep prefers a boat so that no one can document his catch and release obsession. Expect to be subjected to foul language and a barrage of lies about how big everything may be. Often this fellow doesn’t even bait his hook and is convinced that it is more important to look good on the lake than to come home with a mess of trout. Eats smaller fish while no one is looking. His hushpuppies are always soggy and his filet knife is dull. The lies are bad enough but this kind of angler usually has bad breath to go with it but at least it keeps that fishy smell at bay. Use garlic marshmallows or baby grasshopper spit.
Fry Boy – This is the person who stands next to you urging you on. He has lots of advice about test line and spinning reels but he never rally gets near the water himself. Often prone to complain that ice fishing season is over. Big on corn meal and holding the net in expectation of that Mackinaw running up the bank. In addition to his next to new equipment this fellow is known to haul cookbooks, caste iron pans, table cloths and a tasteful center piece to the picnic grounds despite the complaints of other more hardy anglers. Despite his graduation from the late, great Botsie Spritzer’s Fly Fishing Academy this guy hasn’t got a clue but he sometimes has extra beer. Smoked sucker on the surface works best.
Femme Fishtail – Probably the most creative angler is the femme fishtail. She never baits her own hook and despite the fact that she knows more about fishing (from dad) than the boys, she plays dumb. Check out the high heel waders. She may be trolling for the Kingfish but the eager to please Minnow, already on the hook, will do for the time being. Notice that this fishing beauty never cleans or cooks either. She thinks fishing is stupid. She just enjoys flirting with the elements which includes any male within 100 yards. Good for her. She probably never even pays for her own fishing license. Trolling works best in murky waters. Use diamond necklace or pearls on #86 nylon test line.
Fly Fantasizer – This is the guy that stands all alone, down the bank, usually in an old trench coat, dark glasses and a dirty hat with lures attached. He scares the fish. He claims to tie his own flies but his fly is always down. Wears suspenders. Keep young children and small pets away from this guy. Not particularly olfactory in his piscatorial endeavors but always seems to be in the middle of the fish. His very presence suggests that maybe fishing is not a real sport after all. At home with carp. Often a high water daredevil, he’s the guy that’s casting while everyone else is filling sandbags. Bites on anything rescued from the local landfill.
– Small Mouth Bess
“If de land make you too hot, jump into de sea.”
– common advice on the island of Carriacou
Eagles headed north
The last of the river eagles say goodbye to Colorado until next fall. Spending the summer in the Canadian Rockies ain’t so bad. We hear the fishing is excellent. Photo by MJ Martin copyright 2019
