All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Vegan Cows Threatened by Deli Opening
(Wimpton) Organic ranchers up and down the valley remain apprehensive with the opening of Fatso’s Deli just weeks away. The new eatery, which features “a meaty fare”, threatens the cosmic flow in the otherwise vegetarian stronghold.
At best most other residents are oblivious to the lifestyle conflict, preferring to dwell on their own putrid lives and wishing they were on television. County commissars, who approved the restaurant so as to collect “the burgeoning tax revenues of legend and lore”, fear or their pancake jobs while a potential range war threatens to engulf the landlocked region.
“We are fearful of the violence that may ensue,” said Earl MacAdoo who, with his half-sister Moo (pronounced Maw) has operated For Goodness Sake Farms near Mescaline Flats since the cows came home.
Meanwhile lawyers for Fatso’s say the cows have been mollycoddled for too long.
“It’s time they got off the gravy train and found real work,” said Smiles Healy of Judge and Jury Associates, the firm representing the deli.
“I never thought I’d see the day the city people would succeed at placing meatballs on the registry of endangered species,” spat MacAdoo. “And what’s all this chatter about the cows coming home? Happy cows don’t wander off in the first place. The few that do end up in the gutter or working for the gov’ment.”
Moo echoed these anxieties warning that the deli will be a really bad influence her cows.
“How you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen German potato salad?” she crooned. “I often wonder how the pastrami would fare after a well-choreographed stampede.
– Chicken Fried Jake
“You make me feel so Jung” – Sigmund Freud
Igloos may fall through planning cracks says BOZO
(Elk Avenue) The construction igloos in the town of Crested Butte is on the upswing after a snowy winter and BOZO, Bored of Zoning and Obstructions, has yet to act on “crimes against local architecture.”
“We weren’t ready for this one,” said one board member who asked not to be identified.
Proponents of the temporary expansion say the igloos represent viable affordable housing even when it is seasonal. They add that the structures will most likely be gone by early June.
“This is the local gov’ment’s chance to ignore something and it will go away syndrome which has plagued the upper end of the valley since tourism exploded in the 90s.” said the source.
“We have attempted to put our mark on every building in town but this has escaped our grasp,” quipped the BOZO spokesman. “I wonder if igloos can be painted purple?”
– Melvin O’ Toole
Vodka reclassified as a vegetable
Much to the relief of millions of imbibers, the USFDA has categorized vodka as a vegetable. All concoctions, whether potato, grain or rye, will now be considered edible plants. It is expected that the libation will now attain a higher level of acceptance by non-drinking elements, even though they may not partake.
The long-awaited decision saw impulsive polka parties breaking out from Warsaw to Wellington. The reclassification allows vodka far less scrutiny by federal agencies and removes the mixture from the grasp of the Department Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, a longstanding control and monitoring group.
“We now have, in this country, rogue elements distilling vodka from every known natural element from the soil,” said one ATF official who takes hers with soda and lime. “Sure they are illegal distillers and should be prosecuted but now, with the new legislation about to take affect, the waters are murky.”
In a related piece federal agents have conducted some 4000 raids in Colorado alone aimed at illegal stills and distribution networks. According to tight-lipped insiders, many of the mountain tribes there are distilling small batch vodka from their dirty sox, a felony.
“The reclassification of vodka in no way legalizes other non-vegetative procedures akin to the production of liquor,” said the ATF spokesperson. “This has nothing to do with the legalization of marijuana,” she stressed. “People were making barely five star vodka from discarded futons, pine cones and even dry cat food. Something had to be done.”
-Fred Zeppelin
CB, Gunnison and Almont among best towns in county
(Gunnison) Crested Butte, Gunnison and Almont were among the top places to live in Gunnison County, a survey by the Reluctant Economist Review has found. The Boulder-based fiscal watchdog ranked 15 locales in terms of personal risk, infrastructure and the availability of goods and services.
The worse places were Pittsburgh, Baldwin and Jack’s Cabin where many aspects of daily life present challenges such as staying warm in winter, dealing with local bears and providing food. Since none of the above have any known infrastructure, they took a beating in the scoring, especially in an embarrassing bathing suit competition.
“These locales are charming but they don’t cut it over the 365-day cycle,” said the RER. “There are no stores, no police and no government and no home owners associations in place to help these people. If a resident gets his car stuck in a snowdrift in November he might have to wait until April to dig it out.”
The port cities of Sapinero, Powderhorn-on-Sage and Pitkin Falls fell in the middle range due to the presence of skeletal services and distance from main population centers.
Icy roads, the presence of deer and elk on the highways and location in remote regions worked against these towns causing them to finish poorly in the survey, according to the review.
The county’s three main population centers scored well partially because, even though they are in the United States in name, they are off the grid and are not considered targets for terror and are virtually unpolluted. In addition to ranking high in the Gunnison County survey, they matched up well with other rural towns across the country despite climate-related issues, high prices and an economy based on tourism, real estate and second-hand stores.
No location manages to present ideal living conditions but these three are close especially if one factors in daily stress, traffic and the outdoor lifestyle. The review fell short of equating the dog population with happiness and the air quality with general life expectancy.
“There is no place better to live than anywhere in Gunnison County in the summer,” said the review, “although technically, that may only last for 60 days.”
“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”
The Upanishads (800-500 BC)
From the desk of the Dublin Magistrate (Continued)
so that the unsuspecting O’Toole had already managed to drown whatever sorrows he possessed and began intruding on the problems of others at the bar.
All seemed to be going fine until the 101-year-old started to waver a bit, smiled faintly and nose-dived to the floor. Other patrons later told the police that they had never seen an old man perfect an inward, twisting dive in with such poise and determination. Then strangers scooped him up and sat him on secure perch away from a steep stairway that threatened to gobble him up just moments before.
The Banker, off-kilter on its own, has banned all American journalists in response to literary plunges and missed deadlines associated with daily specials.
A spokesman for the Banker Lounge (pictured) at 16 Trinity Street, Dublin, told The Horseshoe that the elderly Toole had consumed 13 Clonakilty sausages and a butchers 1/2 pounder from Skibereen and that his he still had food on his face when he came in.
“We should have detected something odd since it is virtually impossible to find these West Cork delights in Dublin City,” said the singing bartender named Gary (no last name given).
He then washed down the preposterous culinary assemblage with three pints of Guinness and a tumbler of John Powers Hibernian whiskey (no ice).
A Rathmines attorney, representing the old man, said the bar was clearly negligent in that his client was grossly over-served and caught up in the web of seditious conversation. In addition he appeared visibly moved by the selections of Aretha Franklin on the jukebox while intent on impressing a lovely waitress on exchange from from the renown Jesus, Mary and Joseph Cantina in Mexico City.
“We must be more watchful over our older drunks,” said the lawyer. “These are national treasures and should be protected for posterity. We will miss them when they’re gone.”
Although no legal action has been filed at this time it is expected that Toole will sue for damages and and the lasting affects of public humiliation. If all proceeds well he hopes to own the pub by summer tourist season.
International blowback, akin the the much publicized Brexit bungle, threatens to unseat longstanding traditions at The Oak, at 81 Dame (at Crane Street) where Toole has taken up residence until matters are sorted out after the bank holiday.
-Fred Zeppelin
