All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Trophy Home Restrictions Set Precedent for 2020
(Mt Crested Butte) A far-reaching blueprint for the construction of further trophy homes here may have ramifications beyond the county say critics of the new legislation. Restrictions on size and height, in place for over a decade, had been challenged by second home owners and local contractors after one 850,000 square foot palace slipped through the cracks when nobody was looking in 2018
New designs, outlawing indoor pools and lavish aviaries, while demanding the inclusion of practical vomitoriums in all new housing has thrown a wrench in the works as the snow begins to melt. Although local plumbers praised the plan, many contractors and realtors say the scheme is aimed at punishing the rich, many of whom use the property rarely while jacking up housing costs for the common resident.
“This elitist approach to gov’ment must end before Mt. Crested Butte can take its place among affluent communities the world over,” said proponent of the plan, and caterer to the gladiators, Calvin Ligula, of West Onion Park. “Besides, a lot of the cardboard used in the construction of these mansions will not support the extensive tile and rock work associated with even the most primitive of retching facilities.”
“Kids, don’t become like Donald Trump. Study history.”– The Washington Post
Guthrie Rolls in Grave
(Tulsa, OK) Deceased activist/folk singer Woody Guthrie rolled over in his grave this morning after an announcement that 4000 more jobs would be shipped overseas. This corporate action, which dictates the closure of two plants in Michigan and one in Ohio, translates to more unemployment in an area hit hard over the last decade.
For those of you who have not been paying attention, multi-national corporations, in an attempt to secure cheap labor and tax breaks, have been setting up shop in Third World countries since various free trade agreements, including NAFTA, were concluded during the Clinton Administration.
Shock waves from the Guthrie incident, measured 5.2 on the Richter scale were felt all the way to Washington yet surprisingly there was little physical damage to the cemetery. The rumblings reportedly began early in the morning and lasted only a few minutes.
Guthrie, a pro-union activist, was particularly affective in encouraging union members to stand up for their rights in the 30s and 40s. The lyrics in his songs of the open road and the injustices he encountered still apply today.
In a related ashes to ashes development Paraguay announced that it was exhuming the remains of former dictator, General Alfredo Stroessner, who died in 2006. Uruguay will follow suit despite the fact that former dictator Juan Maria Bordaberry, who died in 2011, still pokes his head up every so and again. Both are accused and in some places indicted for crimes during their respective reigns. They were staunch anti-communists and allies of the United States.
It is not known if this action is directly connected to Guthrie.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“What is the matter with the poor is poverty; what is the mater with the rich is uselessness.” – George Bernard Shaw
Mud season bookings way up from ’18
Dirty Business Thrives on Sarcasm, Lilt
(Crested Butte) Forget about off-season. Bookings from mid-April to mid-May are up a whopping 35%. A newfound interest in what has historically been a dead time of the year here has provided encouragement to merchants and represents a boon to lodge owners.
“We can’t offer mainstream skiing or wildflowers,” said a spokesperson for the local chamber, “but we can offer them tranquility.”
Most of the visitors said they hope to spend their time in the backcountry where the skiing promises to be excellent all the way into June. Others told the Horseshoe that they just wanted to relax.
“This is a time of the year when we can enjoy the countryside without all the ski area sideshows,” said one visitor who first visited the Butte during Martian Ski Week in 2006. “I’m looking for solitude and time to reflect,” she said. “There are still plenty of restaurants open and the parking opportunities are incredible.”
These uplifting figures were tabulated on the heels of an ambitious plan to run Puritan squatters out of Washington Gulch and to pave Kebler Pass.
“A few hunhred scrawls o’ chaps with a couple o’ guns and Rosary beads, again’ a hunhred thousand thrained men with horse, fut an’ artillery…and he wants us to fight fair!” – Sean O’Casey in The Plow and the Star (1926)
AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE
(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents, after a long, harsh winter.
The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.
“Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”
Historically, the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.
“Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard (5566229988663322 Road).
First visitors through the door will receive a Corey Gardener bobble head and all the asterisks they can carry.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
THE MOUSE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR
Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor,
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
& stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on haunches he sat.
All night long you could hear him roar:
Bring on the goddamn cat!
“…I’d rather be sittin’ in a deck chair high up over Kansas City on a genuine, old-fashioned authentic, steam-powered aereoplane.” – John Hartford
IRISH SHIPS LAND IN WALES
(Editor’s note: Last night I had a happy dream, as sweet as it could be. I dreamed that then brave Irish men had set old Ireland free).
(1644) A combined force of Irish, Highland Scots and Old English Cavaliers remains anchored just off the coast of Wales at Cardigan Bay this morning. As the sun rose thousands of well-armed Irish troops began their cross-country trek toward London.
As expected, Welsh regiments joined the Irish in their attempts to snuff out the abuses of the Roundhead element under Oliver Cromwell. Background: These forces, along with Royalists loyal to English King Charles I, had been embroiled in a bloody civil war since 1642. The year before Gaels in Ireland had arisen in an attempt to drive out the plantation settlers who were given large tracts of land in Ireland in return for loyalty to Elizabeth I. These lands were taken from the native population many of whom now lived an impoverished life in their own country.
Saying that they’d rather have the Irish than Cromwell or the King, for that matter, the Welsh were relieved to know that the Irish would not stay.
“We do not want England,” said Finn MacCool, a Celtic warrior. “We just want England out of Ireland. They’ve cut down our virgin oak forests and confiscated our farms while forcing the earls of Ulster from their lands. We don’t much like them.”
Despite these emotions the Irish promised not to harm the English peasantry, who they say are only pawns, victims as well in the evil masterplan to subjugate the world.
“We’d just like to teach them to read and about all the cultures of these islands,” said Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone. “It is through this kind of understanding that we can avoid future conflicts and live side by side in peace. Ignorance and fear are the enemy of all men. How do you think the Puritans rose to power in the first place?”
Many English cheered as Druids priests condemned the practice of witch burning and the harsh philosophies of these Puritans.
“These barbarians must be stopped,” said Brian Boru, victor of Clontarf. “There will be no peace with these religious zealots under arms.”
The Irish high command in Kinsale has offered amnesty to any Puritan soldier who surrenders. Those who do not will face the sword or a life of slavery in the Caribbean. Although both the French and Spanish governments had pledged assistance in the punitive action against Cromwell the Irish declined the offer.
“We ourselves can handle the situation,” said O’Neill.
– Finbar O’Haille
“A trip to heaven is wasted on some, when a simple postcard would satisfy.”
– St. Roscoe of Paddlewheel
