All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Just what do Congressmen do all day
A portfolio campaign wheel spinning for tax dollars.
7:00 am Consult polls
7:30 am A quick nine holes with someone who thinks he/she matters.
10:30 Breakfast meeting with limo mechanic
11:15 Consult polls and campaign contributions
11:45 Wash up for lunch
12:00 Nice lunch compliments of lobbyist
1 pm Ride around in limo
2 pm Develop position on extreme weather origin policy, poverty, the loss of infrastructure, domestic terrorism, the minimum wage, and immigration sham.
2:05 Snacks and nap
3:30 pm Meet with campaign donors
4:00 pm Spa, Sauna and Massage (Reflect on growing bank account)
5:00 Cocktails in Georgetown or Foggy Bottom
7:30 pm Open envelopes and presents from lobbyists and well-wishers
8:30 pm Dinner with lobbyist
10 pm Nightcap with campaign advisors
11 pm Bed
“Repay laughter with laughter and betrayal with treachery.” – Finn McCool
Don’t Trust Anyone Under 90
(Pitkin) Melvin O’Toole moved here in 1896 from County Sligo, in the Republic of Ireland and has never left. He’s seen the changes and gone with the times. Up until 1966, he was still trading with Blue Mesa Utes and making his own sagebrush whiskey.
Since that trans-Atlantic journey he has never been as far away as Gunnison.
“In 112 years I have never seen the reason to go anywhere,” said O’Toole from his front porch hammock. “I don’t need anything.”
The last time the spry centenarian saw downtown Ohio City was back in the spring of 1896 on his initial (and only) trek up the valley to his present domicile. He doesn’t remember much about Parlin but recalls crossing the plains by train and getting knee-walking with Lebanese sheep shearers in White Pine.
“It’s hard to believe that during all those years the man never ventured into Gunnison,” said Dr Richard “Trinidad” Rimhorne, a history fellow at Tomichi Junior College. “I think he be a charlatan…a liar!
Another resident of Pitkin, Mary “Sorry” Moss, 99, says she doesn’t remember an O’Toole family but that there was a lumberjack staying up at the Tilford Aviary up until 1945.
“That could have been him but I can’t say for sure.”
Moss told the Horseshoe that she had been to Gunnison 7 times since 1907, sometimes for supplies and sometimes “just for fun”.
“I’ll keep an eye out for him around town now that I know you’re looking for him,” she chirped.
A host of Gunnison merchants have offered incentives and prizes if O’Toole will only set foot within the city limits for an afternoon. Apparently some feel that the Pitkin man’s saga could generate negative publicity as to the desirability of Gunnison as a destination.
“There’s nothing the matter with Gunnison,” chimed Moss. “I like it far better than Vulcan.”
When asked if he would take the loot, O’Toole suggested that his benefactors might deliver.
“I’ll have to think about this one,” he frowned. “How long do I have to answer?”
O’Toole’s premier CD, “I’m Leavin’ Town” is due out in June.
– Suzie Compost
To Commemorate the Easter Rising, 1916
Peace in Ireland. No hard border!
Optimists Report Surge in Membership
(Norwood) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club had whittled itself down to two dues paying affiliates during the winter. Then one of them was deported to Grand Junction. The situation looked bleak or is that bleek?
One member was not enough to maintain the charter or pay expenses. It wasn’t even enough to reach a quorum or host the Bedrock Earth Ring Symposium. Something had to be done. People risked losing a vital civic contribution from a solid organization that has been around since 1901 or so.
As one later president remembers it: “Then the toilet got stopped up and the pipes froze, the fox got into the hen house, the tires on the snowplow truck went flat, the wood is too green to burn and mighty wet. It was like putting lipstick on figs.”
That’s when the last member standing, Olde “Man” Pritchard, started serving free drinks at the meetings.
“I could still hear the ice tinkling in the glasses,” said new Optimist, Rufus Maxwell. “Then I watched as new members lined up, signed up and paid their annual dues in cash. I couldn’t believe it.”
Tonight, with a confirmed brotherhood of 26, the Disappointment Optimist Club is thriving. The fraternal organization even hopes to rescue its insignia happy face round table and regimental colors from the Naturita Poke ’N Pawn before the end of the month.
The Optimists still need a place to meet, a gavel, some folding chairs and buckets of ice.
“We will always need more ice,” said one new member. “It is our cross to bear.”
“The hospitality shown by brother Pritchard was above and below the call of duty,” said a specially prepared release. “Tomorrow night we plan to offer free gasoline, a tea dance and tax counseling,” said the statement. “That should bump us up to 100 members, a milestone that will qualify us for matching funds from the exiled government in Cahone and a discount at the Yellow Rock.”
Meanwhile old men with caps and canes in villages all over the world stare at arriving buses as if they had never seen such a brazen display of cutting edge technology.
– Susie Compost
“Stand up (to his wavering troops). They couldn’t shoot an elephant from this distance!” – General John Sedgewick, moments before being shot in the face in Spotsylvania County, Virginia May 9, 1864. He had the dubious distinction of being the highest-ranking Union soldier to be killed in the American Civil War.
Toilet Paper Giants To Meet
(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.
The consortium of sorts is heralded as a great triumph for a multitude of tax-funded economic development committees active in the region. In addition to wiping away many years of antagonism among the principles, the three-day conference is expected to tackle the issue of hemp replacement options as well as concerns over hygiene in developing countries.
“This is a major breakthrough in trade, production and inter-commerce,” said Dolly Sans-Paddle, CEO of Waste Not Want Not, headquartered over in Dung Creek. “The age of political correctness, hydraulics and curious sound bytes has caught us with our pants down and we must be ready to flush our antiquated approach at a moment’s notice. It is no longer sufficient to put the seat up, or down as the case may dictate.”
Sans-Paddle further warned that social media has created an abundance of synthetic fecal matter that is overtaxing our already wobbly infrastructure, especially where the sun don’t shine.
“And no, we don’t like the new driverless toilets either,” she continued, “but they are here to stay and we must respond quickly and efficiently. We must diversify. Failure to perceive the future could easily send many of our loyal customers back to the bucket or the car wash.
Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by early June.
-Paula Parvenu
