All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Queen Ends Tour, Reneges On Treaty

England’s Queen Elizabeth II, recently returned home from a tour of the United States, announced to Parliament yesterday that she is immediately taking steps toward the revocation of the 1783 Treaty of Paris and reclaiming all lands and territories ceded by that document.

The Queen told Parliament that the clandestine purpose of her trip to the United States was to conduct an on-site inspection to determine whether or not the colonists and provincials had as yet developed the county to a condition where it would be worth bothering with. She claimed that such had not been the case when she briefly toured America in 1959, and she had not taken action at that time.

Although she stated that she was still hesitant concerning the matter, she had decided that the nation had reached its apex of civilization and is now rapidly declining back to a state of barbarism. For that reason she felt this is the proper time to reinstate the guiding hand of British refinement through the introduction of a legal ploy masterminded by the royal family as far back as 1820.

Her Majesty’s claim to the previously owned territories is base upon a statement that her great-great-great grandfather was not in complete control of his faculties at the time the Treaty was signed. The truth of this statement is partially borne out by the fact that the former king, George III, was deposed while still alive, and a regency under his son, George IV, was set up to govern the empire. The cause of the king’s removal form the throne has always been cited as madness, which Elizabeth II believes will give her a legal claim to her family’s former possessions.

The Queen stated that she will petition the World Court, and if the treaty is invalidated there will be a general changing of boarders in a worldwide  reshuffling of world power. Co-signatories of the document included France, Spain, the Netherlands and the United States, and the action resulted in considerable switching of land ownership in 1783. The first four ratifying countries were major world powers at the time of the agreement, and the other has risen to such prominence since.

The major impact of the Treaty’s revocation will be felt on the mid-North American continent, where the four countries were at the time squabbling over dominion of vast tracts of land. If the Queen’s claim is upheld, what is now known as the United States will be divided between three of the other nations. England will regain sovereignty from the East Coast to the Appalachians, Spain the area from the West Coast to the Rockies, and France all the remaining territory in between.

Although the United States was only one of the signers of the Treaty, that country will apparently be the only one to fight against the Queen’s action. According to Rutgers News Service, the three beneficiaries are eagerly anticipating the recovery of their domains, as well as looking forward to an expected influx  to their respective treasuries when they will be able to demand some two hundred years back taxes, with accrued interest. The other involved country, the Netherlands, as usual claimed neutrality.

It was not clear how the development could affect the remaining Native American tribes living on the continent.

– Paul Mahl

Robot Wins Liar’s Poker Finals

(Onion Hall) In a frightening genetic passage, TeeTerrific, a perky gynoid robot, has soundly defeated incumbent Flemm Finn in the World Championship Liar’s Poker Cup held here this passed weekend.

Tee, created by Epson Futures, runs on solar energy and compost material. She is always smiling and requires no sleep.

Flemm a meat trimmer from Rasher Road over in Milk Marie runs on beer and processed food.

Intimidated into folding with four aces in his hand, the shaky Finn promised to give up gambling and spend more time drinking. TeeTerrific spent the rest of the evening stuffing money into her jeans like he saw in the robot-friendly Striptease with Demi Moore.

The tournament, which will be held again in 2023, was created in 1720 so as to bring attention to the plight of serfs employed by the Currency Cabbage Exchange that are still forced to sleep out at temperatures below eighty degrees in order to protect herds of cotton bearing coyotes from flash flooding. Sure they are.

We’re no fools. We know what they are really doing.

A strict invitational, the competition features 128 players that are soon whittled down to 2. The idea is to lie about your poker hand based on the numbers coded on the bill, and then sell your pinocchio bill of goods to the other players who are also busy lying to you and everyone else.

The biggest liar standing takes the cash.

“It is truly terrifying and people should be alarmed that a robot could understand the intricacies, subtleties and sandy sense of selflessness that untruths can bring,’ said a founder of the popular tournament. “We thought the game was bullet-proof if for no other good reason than nobody was shooting at it.”     

This is the first time anyone but a white male has ever won the match.

– Evelyn Marmotbreath

Where is everyone?

The empty bench on Elk Avenue bids goodbye to winter. April in Crested Butte means lots of parking spaces and the remnants of the snow that once was and will be again.

IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS

(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, saying that the government has not been cut in on the action.

“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.“

Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice. He failed to mention the saving graces of recycling and the advantages of positive garbage management in his epistle. 

“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.

A new federal tax form, number ABZ-11998, has been issued and persons who fail to comply with the newest regulations will be penalized. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.

“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke. “The whole thing is mind boggling at best! Don’t these people realize that we need the money to keep the country running smoothly?”

 -Kashmir Horseshoe

Administrative SNUFU Leaves Thousands Excommunicated

(Rome) A simple computer glitch has left tens of thousands of Roman Catholics in a bureaucratic purgatory this morning with little hope of sorting things out before the Easter holiday. As of this morning they remain excommunicated, or severed from their church.

Apparently someone high up in the Vatican gave the go ahead to delete over 70,000 of the faithful from what was wrongly designated as a “fallen away” list. The move has caused great confusion and anger leaving many with questions about eternal salvation and access to sacred rituals.

“We can’t explain what happened but we’ll sort it out before Holy Week gets into full swing,” said a Vatican treasury official. “Those affected should not worry. Despite the temporary status as the damned they will be reinstated quickly and painlessly.

Church officials publicly played down the possibility of enacting another Spanish Inquisition while privately expressing concern as to the impact on collections and tithing as many have lost trust in the ancient religious hierarchy.

“If we survived the sex scandals of late we’ll be alright,” said the Archbishop of Styx. “One has to realize how frightened people are of the Great Beyond. We simply need to remind them of the fires that await them if they dare to detour from our teachings. They will forgive us our sins as we forgive theirs,” he smiled.

– Saul Tarsus

IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds

(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to reduce the national debt, has instituted a flagship program that offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.

The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund, will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government fiscal centers.

“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys to those people (taxpayers) ,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.

Persons interested in receiving the fare should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.

“We don’t trust most people to prepare the ribs correctly and have issued prevenative orers do avoid charred feelings and burned expectations,” said Turnip. “Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” she warned.

Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.

“Pavement hostesses.”

– Another name for hookers, ala Dublin (Ireland) cop Connor ‘Lugs” Branigan.