All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Math Corner #611
Which is higher: The number of Democrats running for the presidential nomination or the number of runs it takes for the Colorado Rockies to defeat the Los Angeles Dodgers? Does the victory of June 28 mean we’re off the Dodgerschnide?
BONUS: What is the average number of worthless passwords imposed on the average consumer in the US today?
Take Your Base — I’ll Take Mine
A Critical Analysis of the National Sport
by Quentin Parquay, Royal Legion of Athletics
(Editor’s note: Mr. Parquay, a literary critic with The London World and former fellow at Oxford University, has been dedicated enough to sit through rain delays, extra-inning games and traffic jams so as to compose this international peek at baseball in 2015. Although well versed, drifting from Kahlil Gibran to Oscar Wilde, Parquay admits he possesses a limited knowledge of the game having experienced his first contest only last week. The following expose is reprinted from The Hamilton Hemorrhoid, a well- respected, often painful British sports bulletin. It has appeared Steamboat Magazine. Unlike golf baseball was never immortalized by George Bernard Shaw as (to paraphrase) “a pleasant walk ruined.)”
Baseball: 1.) a game played with a bat and a ball by two opposing teams of nine players, each team playing alternately in the field and at bat. The players at bat, after hitting the ball in fair territory must then run a course of up to four bases laid out in a diamond pattern in an attempt to score runs. 2.) a questionable competition of North American origin that promotes bad language, hooky, jawing, bad manners, superstitiousness, and the spitting/chewing of tobacco. 3.) the ball used in the game of baseball.
My interest in the field of baseball began when I first ran across “Casey at the Bat” in 1990. Although the epic poem had been around for decades it had not circulated through the offices of a man who dissects playwrights and Gothic novelists. I hope the following will be entertaining to the reader and beneficial to the fringe fans and the arts as well.
THE FAN
We Brits cannot afford to be critical of abhorrent fan behavior after the escapades of our cohorts at most football (soccer) matches from Cornwall to Kent. The counterpart American aficionado is actually quite calm and well behaved compared to the football fanatic. He only becomes dangerous toward the late innings after drinking cup after cup of overpriced light beer.
The aesthetic distance between the audience and the main characters is of special interest to anyone wooed by the theater. The left field character, for instance, is closer to the audience and can be more objective about how his lines are perceived in the grandstands. The thrower (pitcher) cannot gather this same kind of feedback. The audience however is well in earshot of various asides mouthed by fielders and the funny-dressed men behind fourth base that you call home plate.
The fan is most often in sympathy with one team or the other. He is most vocal at points of tension between singular characters or sometimes with entire groups of players. He is prone to embracing myths and often makes references to the supernatural as he metaphysically munches on hot dogs with onions and mustard and burnt peanuts, salted in the shell. His metaphors can be figurative, trite and/or utterly classic. His hyperbole is common only to the colonies. In later innings the fan gets swept up in the flow of dramatic monologue that results in comic relief or didactic tragedy.
THE CHARACTERS
Reflecting on the scene behind home plate we see one over-dressed character (the catcher) that carries with him a host of mandatory duties. He must not only catch the ball each time it is flung at him, but he must field difficult “pop flies”, cover his base, backup first base and throw down to second in the event of an attempted steal attempt. (We will discuss thefts and squeezes later in this article). While there is little morality involved in the steal, the catcher is often measured by his pinpoint response to the instant plot. In the local vernacular we hear fans loudly encouraging this catcher to “gun him down” or “nail him with a low throw”. This should not be taken as anything violent. The successful application of these throws and tags can often bring down the curtain for an inning.
The catcher’s associate behind the plate is called the umpire, a living allegory who attempts to impose his own doctrine. This dark character converts acceptable language into persuasive, tight, one-syllable chants with the sacred narrative “Steeerike, Bawww or Yurooout!” Otherwise most of the communication is in sign language that is reminiscent of Shakespeare that holds the audience in awe.
Amusing reaction to the umpire often dwells on King Lear’s cry: “Thou hast eyes to see…and see not!”
The rest of the extras dress alike so much that it lends an eerie, almost robotic essence to the performance. Each of the two reams is represented by wearing its own costume. It is within the professional ranks that we find strong connection to ancient bestiaries and ethnic euphemisms with names like “Tigers, Cubs, Braves and Giants”. On the local level this practice has been methodically embraced. Long socks may represent the desire to return to simpler days while “softball” fashions clearly illustrate a yearning for a
modernistic, almost impressionist, rendezvous with the keystone future. Significant action generally soils the players’ costumes but adds a delightful descent from the loftiness of pre-game ceremonies.
THE PLOT
Everything happening on the diamond is synchronized into nine innings where one team tries to outscore the other by whatever means available during the scenes that add up to an act. The two teams could play an eternity if the thing reaches extra innings. Imagine a summer day and a pastoral scene in right field where a player is responsible for catching the ball before it hits the ground, then hurling it back into the infield (main stage). He must do this before any players “tag up” and make their way around all four bases and off the set and backstage into the dugout. If the ball is caught cleanly the acting batter is out and has no further lines until he comes up to the plate again in two or three innings. If the fielder misses the ball the hitter gains access to any number of bases while other supporting cast scores runs. The clumsy fielder is often then seen as a goat. Continued performances of this quality will often result in an understudy placed in his position.
The main actor and navigator of the plot is the pitcher since he initiates the action. He delivers his lines while perched on a pompous little hill 60 feet (18.3 meters) from the batter’s box. He throws a variety of pitches to the catcher aimed at confusing, overpowering and terrifying the man with the stick (bat) in his hand. The umpire then watches closely as curves, sliders and fastballs cause negative capability of the part of the person trying to make contact (with a rounded bat) with the little spinning ball. Some of these pitches exceed 100 miles (or 161 kilometers) per hour. The fastball coupled with an array of sneaky pitches often causes the batter to pop up, ground out or strike out (signified by K for some unknown reason). These activities in no way represent literary onomatopoeia since there is no sound emanating from the ball as it travels to the plate. The onomatopoeia magically occurs when the ball slams into the squatting, supporting actor’s round, oversized glove. Here we see the frontline struggle by the designated protagonist to stifle the antagonist by making contact with a fiery sphere chucked in the direction of his head and vital body parts. It is here that we see another character, the manager, wheel out onto the field angered by the exposition of the background.
THE SET
The set can be universal as well as specific to baseball. The only props are the three bases and the plate, the walls, the mound, the backstop, the dugouts (2) and the scoreboard. The size of the stage varies greatly from set to set but is always characterized by white lines that protrude from home plate to the first or third bases. These are the symbols of the action. It is the actor who brings it all into perspective.
During my last sports melodrama the hero was a young pitcher for the Colorado Rockies. His saga was one of ever-increasing pathos. He quickly extended his poetic license by hurling a “loaded up” ball at the batter’s head. Soon after he balked, a clear sign that he neglected to prepare his lines before taking the stage. By the end of the inning he had reached absurd capacities in low comedy by allowing three other actors to reach untenable positions without exiting the stage. The tone of the play then becomes one of anticipation, bordering on anxiety. The guilt-ridden child actor is sent away by his rigid master to a place called the Minors that was never described by Dante or even the unholy angels. Each summer pantomime contains endless and simultaneous dramas with characters intact. It is this mysterious show and tell that stimulates the lifelong fans of the game. How appropriate in both a literary and mirthful sense. Play Ball!
“The check’s in the mayo.” – famous promise in Dixie.
Fossils of extinct tourists unearthed at Black Canyon
Anthropologists carefully separate history’s deposits near the Black Canyon of the Gunnison
(Montrose) Rare vestiges of ancient history were on display this afternoon at the Black Canyon of the Gunnison, just east of here. At first just a dribble, the recovered data now covers two parking lots and encompasses several Department if the Interior panel trucks.
Mostly bone and hair, the exhumed artifacts are believed to be from the 15th Century, long before scientists thought tourists visited the continent. Where these visitors might have come from or what they were seeking should be determined before the summer has concluded.
“This is big,” said Ellen Mulvaney-Kelly, a forensics and space expert at the Forest Service. “We have a wide assortment of of material to sort through and catalogue. Then we’ll interface the mounds of new data with what we already have collected. That should tell us where to go for the next step.”
The cornerstone find, Pea Green Man (1996), was found when workers excavated a former organic junkyard to make room for more fast food temples on South Townsend Avenue. It is not clear whether this fellow consorted with the other ancients or if he simply strolled the Uncompahgre Plateau oblivious to his neighbors in the valley.
Kelly said the discovery has only scraped the surface and that three digs just outside the park should shed light on the 16th Century as well as the foggy periods when the Spanish were here and later European adventurers would appear.
“We wonder what the Ute people must have thought about yet another invasion,” said Kelly. “It had to have been a clash of culture, yielding very little for the tribes caught somewhere between the Bronze Age and the arrival of horses in the San Juans.”
At primary glance the scull bones found appear to be genetically linked to today’s modern tourists. Sometimes buried in tombs, with souvenirs and photographs of mountains, the mummies indicate social standing and wealth. The middle class seems to enjoy private burial plots while less distinct groups were simply thrown from the cliffs into the Gunnison River and washed away to fertilize golf courses in Las Vegas and Phoenix.
Anthropologists think most of these early guests had sophisticated transportation and even primitive GPS trackers. Indeed, the original unearthing was somehow linked to tire tracks although no information in that link has been released as of this morning.
“How else could they have had the mobility necessary to explore our back country?” asked Kelly. “Although the net gain of all the digging and rock hauling has yet to be determined, researchers think their assertions will blow the doors off traditional thinking on the subject of the first wanderers in these mountains.
Much of the human motherlode will be displayed at the intersection of Main and Townsend until hunting season. Showcased 24-7, the display is expected to give today’s visitors something to do while they wait in line to make a left turn south onto 550.
“We are proud that a find of this magnitude happened here on our watch,” said Kelly. We expect the breakthrough that we’re seeing will lead to a greater understanding of genealogical and ancestral links. Maybe your relatives are represented here. Maybe not.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Cómo conocer otras verduras
(Denver) Oye, ¿hay tomate al vapor por la llegada de otro invierno mientras te sientes solo en la vid? Siéntate en el soleado jardín de las delicias terrenales como un frijol en una misión y quién sabe qué es el nabo.
En primer lugar, uno debe aplastar efectivamente todas las nociones en cuanto a los chirivías que pueden ocurrir en el mundo único. Todas las verduras son diferentes y el buscador debe emplear una variedad de tácticas en cada caso. Ejemplo: si está intentando llamar la atención de una papa temprana, no se presente media hora tarde. Si te atrae una dulce cebolla de las Bermudas, no vayas a Montreal.
Si bien las relaciones entre vegetales como el colinabo y el repollo chino son raras, no son imposibles siempre y cuando ambas partes tengan en cuenta las diferencias de religión y origen étnico. La acelga suiza puede estar feliz con la berenjena, pero solo si comprenden las necesidades y prioridades de cada uno.
Nadie quiere ser visto como una ocurrencia tardía. Incluso la okra, el perejil y los pimientos necesitan sentirse como el especial del día también. No importa que el maíz, los tomates y las batatas se vean como suplementos de la tarifa principal. NADIE QUIERE JUGAR EL SEGUNDO FIDDLE EN UNA CAMA DE ARROZ. Es mucho más efectivo comenzar la relación de forma equitativa y seleccionar y elegir los personajes accesorios a medida que avanza. Una calabaza no actuará en el rollo de soporte. Lechuga de cabeza quiere estar a cargo. Las sandías tienen muchas semillas.
Quizás el elemento más importante necesario para un vínculo fuerte es la apariencia y el comportamiento personal. A nadie le gusta un pepino sucio o lentejas con una higiene inadecuada. La col rizada que se ha vuelto blanda nunca será cosechada. Esto va para los guisantes, la okra, los rábanos y las cebollas también. En todas las relaciones de amor hay ruibarbo que no se pueden evitar, pero serán menos frecuentes si uno sigue una constitución que fertiliza tanto como las aguas.
Por último, y posiblemente lo más importante: no pasar el tiempo en las endivias si quieres cumplir con los cultivos de calidad. Es mejor ir a los lugares más agradables. Algunos lugares excelentes para conocer otras verduras incluyen mercados al aire libre, organizaciones perennes, seminarios de enlatado, invernaderos y algunas granjas de camiones. Los lugares que se deben evitar incluyen el pasillo de alimentos congelados en la tienda de comestibles, puestos transitorios en las carreteras y, como ya hemos dicho, las endivias ahumadas de todo tipo.
Esperamos sinceramente que este breve consejo le ayude a mantenerse abrigado este invierno. Tienes que cavar un poco de tierra, amigo mío, si quieres que el jardín crezca.
Yeah, we’ve got water but…
The snowpack is up and the streams are roaring down the valleys but it dries out quick here in the Rockies. Please be careful with fire in the forest this summer. With an increase is visitors we ain’t out of the woods yet.
Gun Lobbyists Angry Over Dodging Bullet Reference
(Washington) The weapons industry is up in arms this morning after a wire services report asserting that the group had “dodged a bullet” on further gun control legislation.
The noted reprieve allegedly occurred after the House voted to table a discussion on further background checks at the time of a purchase and the option of a follow-up investigation if red flags present themselves down the road.
Several Republican gun proponents say the terminology was insensitive and it suggested they could make great targets.
“These enemies of the people will stop at nothing to turn America over to the socialists,” said one representative bankrolled by the weapons lobby.
“Just look around. The country is full of whackos with assault rifles and this article clearly puts pro-gun officials in the line of fire.”
The editors of this piece say they were not encouraging violence or enabling hate groups even though the other side does so every day. They say they were simply writing a headline and that the expression, while admittedly “close to the core” was spot on and “a damn good use of the language”.
When asked if they thought the media was in part to blame for gun violence they did not respond.
“These elected officials are trading the story and safety of their country for 40 pieces of silver, aren’t they?” asked one journalist who contributed to the report. “People are irresponsible and abusive with everything from umbrellas to paper clips. Why would we expect any difference from a man holding a loaded gun?”
Responsible gun owners, keen to separate themselves from all this pettiness in the capital, contend that all the laws in the universe would not keep guns out of the hands of criminals.
“They just buy illegally,” said one pro-gun activist. “We must change the consciousness of an entire nation that was built on violence. That won’t be easy but flapdoodle restriction on my owning guns is not the answer. I’ve got mountain lions running all over hell out at my place. If a hungry one comes to the door what should I do? Should I hit it with a dishtowel?
“While most gun owners are peaceful and responsible others should not have access to firearms at all. How could society achieve this balance without government intervention? Can these sociopaths be expected to police themselves?” he asked.
The “offended parties” threatened to take legal action after consultation with benefactors and a peek at the polls.
“The suggestion that they have dodged a bullet indicates that my clients were being shot at by someone,” said attorneys for the offended parties. “That statement alone incites violence and these scribes should be severely punished for irresponsible reporting, lewd partisanship and scapegoating.”
– Small Mouth Bess
