All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Risa enlatada sacada de los estantes

(Ridgway) Las tiendas de comestibles y los supermercados comenzarán a sacar risas enlatadas de sus estantes el lunes como parte de la Ley Federal de Uniformidad, que se aprobó a última hora de la noche.

Se ha determinado que la presencia de la risa enlatada, que una vez se consideró una parte integral de la Americana, es demasiado diversa para el consumidor. La eliminación obligatoria será seguida por el lanzamiento de un aparato de respuesta de entretenimiento más uniforme destinado a hacer que la ciudadanía esté más alerta a los peligros planteados por los cómics extranjeros y aquellos que buscan derribar al actual gobierno.

“Todo se trata de la percepción”, dijo un tendero que apoya el esfuerzo. “Todavía tenemos risitas congeladas y sonrisas liofilizadas para los más acérrimos. Nos gustaría ver a una población que pudiera decidir cuándo reír y de qué reírse. ¿No es ese el núcleo de la democracia?”

Las personas que esperan acumular risas enlatadas para el invierno tienen hasta el fin de semana para hacerlo. Las cantidades son limitadas.

– Melvin Toole

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Melvin Toole, whose  ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of Fourth of July barbecues has been with us for over 200 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat  and somebody had to pay the bill.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and in growing cases blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but  that truth would have had far less impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting had already erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their lobsterback legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the city’s largest livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures much like the British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war against the most powerful nation on earth. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened a host of new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now wait a minute, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to the matter of “all men being created equal? Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

Big Boxes Want Cut of Beggars’ Take

(Montrose) Chain stories selling everything from boom boxes to burgers want a piece of the action. Everyday the managers of these Orwellian robot bazaars watch rough-looking, often dirty panhandlers pocket coin and currency right there on their font steps.

In small increments these no-overhead ragamuffins beat the carpet for enough to make it worth their while. Who knows what they gather in eight hours. Is it more than minimum wage? Are they legit or are they in costume? Is the veteran getting support? I thought the economy was booming, at least over on Wall Street.

Now the big boys want their cut. The word’s come down from the bullet-proof corporate offices that the stock holders are grumbling about lost revenue and potential profit marginalized by the presence of the distractions on the corner.

“We have expenses too and you are not paying the power bill,” said the night manager at one of 200 fast food franchises that pockmark the south end of the city. “These people are parasites who put in nothing and expect a lot in return. They sit there all days often with their dogs and look hungry and miserable. I bet they go through the dumpsters after I close.”

Meanwhile in front of Wal-Mart, Denny’s, City Market, Home Depot the same ancient alms mantra stretches out a desperate hand. “Homeless-Need Food”, Vet Needs Gas Money” “Single Mom Needs Groceries”. Never used to see any beggars before and nobody had a lot of money then either. What changed?

Whether the multi-nationals will succeed in wringing a few dollars from the tattered trousers of a few unfortunates is yet to be determined. One left-wing politician favors the immediate hiring all of these sullied solicitors at the city and county while a right-wing politician says “petitioning vagabonds” should be removed to a spot out in the desert where people who wanted to give donation could easily visit them.

In 2017 the City of Montrose banned panhandling in Zona Rosa, the glitzy uptown tree-lined blocks set aside for tourists and the wealthy. Since then the under-the-bridge brigade has descended on the culturally significant strip like camp followers or side show curiosities, engaging in the world’s second oldest profession.

Marketing whizzes in several mega-corps, engaged in the heist of the beggar’s gold, have released an overnight campaign aimed at convincing the public that they are really nice and all. Some are paying bonus points to beggars.

Several have promised to give back up to 10% of their profits to feed the homeless. Some are searching for future CEOs amid the rabble and the disenfranchised.

– Susie Compost

US Selling Clean Air to China

“Take Me Out to the Ball Game” relegated to Designated Hitter Status?

We start professional baseball games in the United States with The Star-Spangled Banner, which is certainly appropriate and in many ways showcases our pride as a nation. But what happened to traditional “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” the song that used to grace the Seventh Inning Stretch in most parks. Now it seems that we have embraced another round of robot jingoism with the playing of God Bless America. Where is the separation of church and state…you know from the Constitution and all?

In many stadiums we no longer hear a classic baseball tune vital to our dwindling culture and replace it with a one-dimensional, quasi-religious chant that does not take into account the citizens who don’t buy into the Christian god and may be losing faith in an 3.2 America as well. Are we goose-stepping our way to first base when we should be rounding third on the way to home sweet home?

Mass produced mega-theocracy is not what our deist founders had intended. Mindless jingle patriotism cannot stand up to adversity. A walk is not as good as a hit.

Trump-free accepted by Merriam Webster

(Orlando) The term Trump-free has been included in the annual updated version of the heralded dictionary, Merriam Webster, due to a spike in common usage over the past year.

This particular dictionary is accepted as the ultimate source for legitimate words, spellings, definitions and grammatical uses. Only valid and vernacular words are included in this roster of English words

Joining caffeine-free, lint-free and gluten-free among others, Trump-free will be listed alphabetically and referenced in the back of the reference book.

Most commonly found in conversations about the 2020 presidential election, the term has waded into the conflicts between money and the environmental state of the planet. It is often used as a predicate noun or even a weak participle but can be applied to a plethora of situations where the speaker embraces the invisible or the lack of presence.

“Who’s she?” chanted red-hatted supporters at a recent election rally. “Lock her up!” they demanded as their truth-twisting idol flexed and fumbled at the podium.

Most not comfortable with books demanded to see the emails of this Webster person, whoever she might be. Many privately whispered that Webster was probably an alias and that she must be Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren.

Meanwhile the Trump base remains disoriented, confused over the presentation of their hero as an absent variable in the midst of crucial ingredients. Rather than a status of top dog the quasi-terminology paints the president as non-existent, suggesting that a situation might be an improvement sans Trump than with him.

“These throwbacks quote the Bible and the Constitution when it benefits them but most have never read either document. It seems the dictionary has fallen victim to the same indifference and ignorance worship,” said one of hundreds of Democratic presidential candidates. “I for one have never seen anyone successfully cherry-pick a reference book like this but there’s a first time for everything.”

– Gabby Haze