All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Guest Ghost Graces Gunnison for Rodeo
(Gunnison) His spirit will move you or at least get you ready for Cattlemen’s Days, July 12 -1 4. Yes, Tom Mix is back again and expected to participate (as much as a ghost can take part) in this year’s rodeo. The revelry has been going on since 1900 and Mix has been stopping in since the early 50s according to local lore (and maybe a bit more).
The PCA contest, held in this pristine Western Colorado town, offers the perfect venue for summer nights. There’s bull riding, bronc riding, barrel racing and an uninvited, yet welcome, guest who comes every year to see what’s going on in Gunnison.
It’s the ghost of cowboy movie star, Tom Mix and his horse Tony, who visits Gunnison each year from the Great Beyond to catch a little rodeo. He says it’s good for the blood and what keeps him coming back for more. Readers will recall Mix as the star of the Westerns in the early days of film. The good guy-bad guy plots and the rough mountain scenery were trademarks of the time and Mix was at the top of an impressive assortment of cowboys, saloon hall girls, gunfighters, sheriffs, chiefs, school marms and outlaws galore. The movie goers couldn’t get enough.
Although it appears Mix has no strict agenda fans might likely get a glimpse of him early in the morning at the site of the former Cattlemen Inn, his favorite local lodging and at lunch at Palisades. Later as the rodeo gets going Tom can be observed in the stands or near the entrance watching the rodeo and smiling. As darkness falls the ghost ventures further and joins in at after-rodeo festivities.
“That’s when he really comes out,” said Maryanne Gillhooley, Gunnison County historian and professor of genetics at Western State University. “People see just a silhouette or get a sniff of his cigar. Sometimes they see him riding Tony out into the dense forest or the massive sage lands.”
-Filliebuster
Cannabis Grove to Vote on Softball Team Name, Logo
Changing its street name from Mañana to Yesterday isn’t the only thing that’s kept this elderly colony viral and vital. Later this week the award winning coed softball team will be faced with a nail-biting election that would determine a new team name and logo. It’s a big deal since the retirement village has fielded powerful league-leading teams since the inception of competitive athletics in the 70s.
Since January the retirees have discovered an assortment of odd names for minor league baseball teams across the country.
“The classic marijuana leaf logo and the name “Potheads was already taken by the Hallucination Farms in Loveland while another favorite Sativa Sluggers is the name of the squad fielded by the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita in Western Montrose County. Mushroom Mollies was deemed too political and evokes visions of disorder from field assignments, base stealing to bathroom breaks.
Cannabis Grove Retirement Village needed more than just a name and trademark. It needed something that said heart and soul.
“That’s what the team means to these folks,” said Earl MacAdoo, the longtime coach here at The Grove. Most still wear spikes to breakfast and sleep with their baseball gloves and caps. These are not sunny day patriots!”
MacAdoo told players that they had about a week to decide on uniforms too since the El Paso Chichuhuas have threatened legal action over copyright infringements with the current uniform.
“The same thing has happened every time we agree on what is the appropriate message the team will project on the field,” continued MacAdoo. “That means colors, uniform design, trademarks, logos and name all wound up together, ready to take ether field. We have received threatening letters from The Wichita Wingnuts, the Akron Rubber Ducks, and The Hartford Yard Goats this week alone. One particularly angry note came from my old infield mate, ball and chainer Kid Gravy of the Montgomery Biscuits who challenged Grove fund raisers, domestic staff and our head social worker to a dual over the alleged infringement.
The Traverse City Beach Bums, the Topeka Train Robbers, the Albuquerque Isotopes and the Toledo Mud Hens said they don’t care about color conflicts and disjointed information associated with recreational franchises and hot dog sales.
“Why would we care what a bunch of old hicks in Colorado are doing?” scoffed a joint letter from an inter-league source.
MacAdoo’s jugular response was swift and cutting.
“We don’t give a tinker’s damn about trademark violations and copyrights anymore. What are they going to do? Put us in jail? We’re already in jail most of the day and night here at Cannabis Grove. Sticks and stones may break turbines but names can never hurt us,” he lashed out defiantly.
Anyone wishing to take the leap into this think tank is welcome to present names and attaches. The winner could win two seats for an Amarillo Sod Poodles game in August.
– Rocky Flats, Sports Editor
New sign graces downtown Colona
Ouray County’s third largest metropolis celebrates its status with beautiful new signage on Hotchkiss Avenue.
Fly Swatting Academy To Offer Seminars
Mel’s Fly Swatting Academy is again teaching the intrinsic art of fly swatting
in an almost absurdly low student-professor ratio.
They say: (Advertisement)
“It’s fly season again and time to tune up that lazy eye, that smooth stroke, that tight, consistent follow-through. A fly-free home is a happy home and enlightened swatting is incremental to a buzz-free environment.
“Who cares what the bastards do outside? I don’t even want to think about it. It’s your space we are talking about here but you MUST SIEZE IT!”
“It’s all true. Filthy disease-ridden balls of scum (No, not people who hold different political views than you) are these garbage-breath intruders. The buzzing buggers serve little purpose with the possible exception of industrial excrement transport or highlighting the status of unattended buttermilk.
“Then let’s get down to it, says Mel’s. “We can improve your life by enhancing the manner in which you deal with just one little plague-mongering pest. We are not talking about moose hunting or shark diving…or even wild marmot stew. We are talking about bringing flies to their knees.
“Our professional staff can turn you from a flitter to a smasher extraordinaire in less than a week. Daily, hourly seminars bring out the natural ability and instill a sense of can-do. The cost, although prohibitive, is well worth it given the peace of mind and the sense that you can dominate one surly aspect of nature.
“And you say this is stupid? Already there are leagues competitive teams with paying sponsors. Yes, the real world is on board and you hicks best get wise quick. While you’ve been riding the hay bale picking your teeth others are getting ahead. That means $$$$$$.
Example Lesson #2
We walk you through The Stare (patented) where the stalker freezes the prey, creeps up and over-wails on the unsuspecting ball of vile snot. We then obsess on your follow through and show you the affects of the methodical, consistent flanking of one’s adversary. You will master The Stun and the 3-In One. Watch your friends tremble in envy, as your handicap becomes all but a negative number.
Of course the riches of the sport will elude many. Professional touring swatters are making the big dollars these days. The amateur can reach new heights but the right gear can run up to $8000 if one wants the state-of-the-art equipment. Fly fashion has never come cheap.
After three weeks of classes – We guarantee that you will pass your fly exams-class 3 or class 4 and go on to pursue and succeed at exceptional honors like Bambo Fly Killer, Red Belt, Wolf-Eagle Squash or join the elite Eat Poop Then Land in My Potato Salad Assassins.
Enjoy a marvelous and vehement summer minus these pests. For classes on mosquito, coyote, bear and skunk find us at www.corallyourpests.com/ferocious.
Remember: Hone your skills for BIG Buck Fly Season in Sept and October when the livestock come back down to earth and the deer fly bites.
For boarding school reservations, indentured arrangements and family visits dial 34.
Methodology accepted by Kill The Flies Without Extended Guilt (KFWEG). Do not kill spiders or bees. They sustain life.
–Advertisement–
Somewhere Over the Back Fence
Ground Still Wet, Moist Says Extension Service
(Pitkin) Most public ground above 12,500 feet is still wet according to Gunnison County Extension Services. Hikers, campers and especially picnic enthusiasts should be aware of these conditions and act appropriately, planning ahead and informing friends and authorities of their whereabouts.
Campers are reminded to bring tents and sleeping materials as well as basic equipment to ward off possible discomfort. The harsh reality is, according to this press release that the present conditions could last through the weekend.
Pretty wet, often moist ground is common throughout the summer or at least until the natural draining of the Stream of Consciousness occurs in late August.
The application of simple tarps, employing folding chairs and/or using picnic tables when possible should help alleviate any potential stress. Outdoor enthusiasts are also warned to hang food up in trees, conserve ice and not to shoot rodents or carve their names on trees.
DOW TO POST NEW SIGNS
(Crested Butte) The Colorado Division of Wildlife will begin posting signs in and around the known habitats of trout and kokanee warning the fish of likely drought conditions. The brown and white USFS-looking signs will be hammered into the still-wet ground in the Elks, West Elks and in other strategic environs this summer.
Local environmentalists, who say the cautions will do no good since the fish can’t read, have threatened to filet a class action suit on the part of the fish if “the condescending and inappropriate program isn’t terminated before spawning season”.
“If one of them fish gets the message he’ll tell all the others,” said Orwell Freemango, DOW biologist and former gang member turned new age greenie and sworn naturalist.
“Progressive elements within this otherwise honkey organization think our slimy little friends should be told the truth about drought. They have grown tired of the lies. They don’t even get kickbacks from the Snatch and Release Programs anymore. If their swimmin’ holes are in danger of drying up they should be the first to know. We owe them that in spite of the fact that there is no effective response to this threat. The signs may be only symbols but they are symbols of our resolve,” stressed Freemango.
Blow to head propelled Toole
(Lake City) Recently retired scribe, Melvin Toole, credits his swift rise to fame in the news world to a blow on the head received in a bar here many years ago.
“I remember sitting there at the Log Cabin when a bar stool was hurled through the air in the direction of the men’s room. It was aimed at a man who ducked right there in front of me,” Toole explained. “Well, I was engaged in conversation and did not see the flying chair and the seat portion struck me flat-smack dead in the forehead.”
The stool knocked the hapless Toole to the floor and when he woke up some three hours later at Gunnison Hospital he began spouting headlines, captions, obituaries, press releases, news briefs, eyewitness accounts and full-length feature pieces.
“He wouldn’t shut up, but the copy was crisp, the style was original and he was first to file it!” said one of the nurses on duty that day. “But we just thought he was another reporter and we damn sure didn’t trust him.”
It would be only a month before Toole won the Werlitzer for his composition “How To Get Rid of Pack Rats”. Later that same year he was chosen to play right field for his college bowling team.
“Success measures success,” said the elderly journalist who lives on tamales, corn whiskey, and an occasional twist of Maalox. “Once it catches up to you it won’t let go.”
When asked which was his favorite award he said, “Oh I don’t know…maybe the Honorary Wichita Falls Cheerleading Squad Slumber Party Plaque…or my blue ribbon for passing audio-detectible wind at Thunder Mountain Speedway.
Readers wishing to converse with this living legend can find him at the Pea Green Rhubarb Festival where he fills in as Archie-The Human Punching Bag on Tuesdays.
“It’s a dollar a punch and a grand time for everyone especially the kiddies!” he laughed.
For a related story turn to Many al Qaeda cell phones inside U.S. on Page 40
