All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Hummingbird Implants Condemned by AMA
(Ouray) Doctors here released yet another warning with regards to hummingbird implants during a high level conference held here Tuesday. The popular implants have become trendy in the mountains, often embraced by visitors hungry for a fix of alpine experience before heading back to the mass-produced gloom of the real world.
Dire consequences are buzzing and swooping in a frontal attack on the unwary and careless
The implants, often associated with fashion phenomenon like body piercing, RV injections and the wearing of furs, are unhealthy say the physicians.
“Despite the seemingly harmless adoption of a flying accessory in one’s wardrobe, danger lurks inches from the beak ,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, who flunked out of veterinarian school seven times before becoming a leading brain surgeon last year. “Sure, the hummingbirds look cool and the practice may be considered chic by the idle rich, but in the end a dangerous precedent has been set.”
Legislation is pending as to whether hummingbird implants should be regulated by state or federal agencies. Some say the rage leads to hyperactivity and a severely decreased attention span while others insist that the simple procedure is as harmless as toenail painting and/or a six-foot tattoo.
“One thing’s for sure,” spout animal rights advocates, “the birds don’t enjoy it. If we let this process continue it could easily result in the absence of hummingbirds altogether. Remember the popularity of beaver pelt hats? Remember when we had schools of whales around here? Our efforts to save them failed because the public didn’t care. We will not sit by and watch the same things happen to hummingbirds. We will save them even if it means an end to the human race.”
The art of hummingbird implanting arrived in this country with Kurdish missionaries in 1800 but was rejected by Puritans who felt the practice was potentially enjoyable. Later, during the First World War the birds were rationed and fell from grace in high fashion circles. Splinter groups attempted to exhume the ritual by introducing pigeons as ample substitutes in the Fifties only to be trampled by a mad exodus to the suburbs.
“We’d like to send a message to all those people that insist on hanging feeders on their porches too,” said Pennywhistle: “We know who you are and what you’re up to.”
– Susie Compost
Smoked Mini Sneffels for lunch
The San Juans caught a lot of the smoke from several wildfires to the north and west this week. No rain, high winds, polarizing politics, viruses, pollution…what a world. At least a day up high can make one forget our troubles for a while….but no deep breathing please. Above we can see Mears Peak from West Dallas amid the haze. (Toole Photo)
Jesus, Mohammed not taking sides
(Baghdad) In long awaited, simultaneous announcements both Jesus and Mohammed say they are not taking sides in Mideast conflicts and that their allegiances and alliances are not with either the Arabs, the Persians, the Russians or the West.
The combined statements clearly indicate that the two leading religious icons are staying out of the earthly squabbles. Both stressed the folly of God siding with anybody on anything, adding that these self-serving holy warriors are sadly mistaken and poorly informed. They counted Buddha, too, who they said was is in full compliance with their longstanding policy of non-intervention.
No present day church leaders were not consulted, never mind included, in this ancient faction.
“They have done immeasurable damage to the human race and are generally thought to be war mongers and money changers,” brashly punctuated a press release slid under our door this morning.
Meanwhile the head of the World Bank, B.L. Zebub, said his institution would continue to support both sides in emerging conflicts, depending on who has the most cash on hand at the time.
“Collateral damage is to be expected in modern warfare,” said a dark-winged angel. “We congratulate man for his ingenuity in weaponry and population control. Meanwhile we will continue to process the damned, overwhelmed but not yet overrun.”
– H.L. Menoken
“Socialism never works until Grandma needs a ride on the bus.” – Leon Blotzky
Many US statues pulling up stakes
(Richmond, VA) A vast cross-section of sculptures, effigies, figurines, bronzes and even some busts are off to greener pastures for fear of being toppled, disfigured or defaced in the suddenly trendy, anti-racist frolic here in the US.
Most of those at risk are headed to Easter Island where they have been granted temporary refugee status. Some other statues are reportedly steaming toward Kampuchea, Venice and the Colossus of Rhodes.
International icons such as Peter the Great, the Little Mermaid and a glut of Buddhas say they are sit-in it out hoping the massacre will not paddle across oceans into their domains.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Let’s not confuse Jim Crow with Robert E Lee. Them Yankees don’t give a lick for you Bessie.” – The Statue of Liberty to former house slave, Bessie Wonder, New Orleans 1866 from the film “Bone With the Wind”
Reunion:
Attention! All of those who were banned, barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for unsociable or destructive behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.
Get your seating now
Reserve seats today for the 2021 Donald Trump Going Away Party in January. Crowds are expected to be 35 times the size of the inaugural Draw in 2017. Masks of all types required.