All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
TEN COMMANDMENTS SEQUEL DUE IN FEBRUARY
(Montrose) The long awaited sequel to the popular Ten Commandments will be shot in the Uncompais expected to hit local theaters in 2017. The follow-up film will continue with the same theme with the good guys, played by Israeli army regulars stationed in Lebanon, throwing off the chains of oppression (the Egyptians) and waltzing into the promised land, played by the Town of Olathe.
The late Charlton Heston, of recent NRA fame, will not play Moses. That role will be played by Willie Nelson. Special effects for the Red Sea parting scene will be computer-generated, unlike the initial scene in the first film. All daangerous snakes and water pirates will be imported from the Front Range.
In one particularly moving segment, Moses descends from Mount Sinai (Horsefly Peak) to find his people worshipping idols. He angrily breaks the tablets of stone. He is subsequently arrested for destroying public property, littering and encouraging a riot. Later all the charges, with the exception of parading without a permit, are dropped by the Philistine authorities.
“With all the laws and regulations passed since, say 1970, Moses would never have been able to carry modern tablets down the mountain,” said Heston, his pistol at his side. “He would have had to hire pack mules or maybe even a fleet of cattle trucks.”
Another stirring episode involves the baby Moses floating down the Nile (the Uncompahgre) in a basket provided by a local rafting company.
“Today social services would be all over the people who put Moses in the river,” said Heston. “Yes, they would have had to put the baby in an Egyptian foster home despite the policies of the Pharaoh.”
Heston went on to say that the tedious burning bush scene would be included in the film despite the protests of the Department of the Interior. The feds are worried about forest fires.
“If we can part the Red Sea, build golden calves out of adobe and wander around the Stinking Desert for 40 years we can surely contain a small fire,” said Heston.
Ham Radio Geek Brings Home the Cosmic Bacon
(Stellar 17 – Quadrant 555 – January 5, 2017)
Ham radio enthusiast, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole claims to have made contact with “like-minded” beings on Uranus and Pluto. Insisting that he has conversed with alien beings since the 70s, the self-taught, continuous ultra-wave technician spends his evenings chatting in primitive code.
Despite efforts by the FCC and other government agencies to discredit him, Toole has repeatedly offered taped conversations, and select coordinates from unexplored regions of the Universe.
Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole taking a break from taking a break at his favorite beach bar.
“Our conversations basically come down to small talk. We are careful not to get too political or elitist in out quest to improve intergalactic communication,” he said. Last night I discussed the increase in Black Holes with an amateur radio operator from an unnamed star near Neptune and although the reception was poor we managed to exchange some pretty heavy information.”
Toole said his alien friends were most interested in muscle cars, genetic agricultural breakthroughs, governmental charades and whether or not Michael Jackson would be producing another LP after Thriller.
“I guess they didn’t know he was deceased and I wasn’t about to be the one to break the news,” he frowned.
– Gabby Haze
“Crossing the International Date Line single can be a lonesome, yet relaxed endeavor.” – Small Mouth Bess
SOVIETS WITHHELD HANGOVER CURE FROM PEOPLE
(Moscow-on-Ice — January 3, 2017)
The KGB and factions of the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 70 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of warm vodka, Tabasco sauce, Georgian peppercorns, vitamin B and liquid oxygen was discovered by Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1945. However, the paranoid leader did not make his findings known and, in fact, did not even share the cure with his best friends and family until he was on his deathbed in 1953.
The disclosure was released Monday as part of a further clean-up in the Kremlin. Current President, Yladimir Putin, has sought to distance himself from these goings-on.
“Mr Putin is too busy murdering his critics and annexing other countries to be bothered with this,” hacked a spokesman fo the Russian leader.
Stalin’s legacy lived on until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure graced the pages of Old Soviet Life, the former Communist Party mouthpiece. The paper did not print the exact recipe for the cure since it was reportedly “misplaced by Boris Yeltsin” in 1991.
“It’s amazing to us,” barked a Putin spokesman in a prepared speech, “that anyone could be so barbaric, so cruel as to withhold perishable data of this magnitude. All this time the Party was screaming about low production and absenteeism on the part of the work force and they may have had easy access to the saving catalyst.
The ancients had a cure for alcohol poisoning, as they called it, and researchers have been doggedly pursuing a cold trail in this regard since the Crusades. Factions of both good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first brewed beer in 3000
-Grigori Rasputin Jr.
Y2K JELLY SALES SKYROCKET
18 years ago in the Horseshoe
(Computerland — New Market Products Press — January 1, 1999)
Data collected from the fourth quarter of 1998 shows Y2K jelly selling abnormally well according to lubricant brokers and store managers nationwide.
“We have people coming in here everyday with a generator under one arm and canned goods taped to their foreheads,” said Melvin Toolula, exotic lotions fellow at Lewinsky’s Hardware here. “It’s gotten so bad in our strip mall that we’ve considered paving a couple more acres of pasture for parking.”
Although it’s eleven plus months until D-Day when computers all across this great land will supposedly take a memory powder, people are already panicked. Most are frightened of being without electricity, food and water.
“Have you ever seen a dog that doesn’t have an itch to scratch?” asked Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Laudanum Institute in nearby Reaganville. “He is driven half mad. It’s the same with these daily reminders of what happens when blind reliance on technology takes the upper hand. Who cares if the whole system breaks down? Viva la Anarchy! Maybe it’s our chance to start again. It’s clear,” he spat, “that we haven’t done a very good job to date.”
Social scientists liken the Y2K fears to the bomb shelter phenomenon of the 50s where affluent Americans attempted to thwart the devastation of nuclear warfare by building well-stocked bunkers underground. At the time, the accepted theory was that the inhabitants of these insulated prisons would survive effects of radiation poisoning and general contamination, only to emerge in an undisclosed period of time and continue the human saga.
“The probability of nuclear warfare is greater today than in the 50s,” chimed in Toolulu from his perch in information potions, “but the fallout shelter fad is gone, pretty much. Suffer the fools, my brave Portia…”
Toolulu went on to describe people running out into the streets looking up at something bright in the sky, then he fell asleep.
Meanwhile Pennywhistle continues to live in a limestone cave near Spar City, said to be populated by hordes of stalactites and stalagmites.
“They don’t bother me if I take my medicine and fumigate regularly,” said Pennywhistle.
According to other unrelible sources in all likelihood there is a far greater chance that a rogue meteor will hit the earth before 2020. In addition many astronomers expect the sun to explode on December 31, 2016, causing chronic global warming, virtually bringing the igloo industry to its knees.
Then, as if out of a bad Japanese horror movie, polar bears will begin the long migration south in search of food, which, according to the present food chain is defined as you.
“It’s all conceivable,” stressed Pennywhistle. “Why just back in November the Cubs won the Series.”
