All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE:
Dirt Bag Law Taken to Cleaners by Council
Overdue Spruce-Up Crosses Partisan Lines
in “All the News”
Fast food found to kill pine beetles in laboratory
Major Breakthrough Leave Doubters in its Wake
In “Your Immediate Health”
Price of ladders, scaffolding skyrockets in Mexico
Carpenters, Hoarders Drive Up the Cost Of Travel
In “The Trades”
Marxists Remember Groucho
Posthumous Honor Bestowed With Fanfare
In “The Arts and Some”
Hitler’s favorite stand up comedian passes
Schadenfreude Dealt Weighty Blow
In “Looking Back”
Math Corner:
How many tortillas would $21.6 billion*
buy for starving children in Mexico?
*estimates for building Trump’s wall
In “Breaking Science”
And you have the cajones to ask:
What’s all this to-do about yoga pants?
“Abandon dope all ye who enter here.” – sign at any one of Colorado airports, with apologies to Dante.
Tsunami Gets Best of Scribe
(Okinawa) A visiting dignitary was badly beaten while swimming amid the exotic Ryukyu Islands according to a report filed this morning. Melvin Toole, the governor pro tem of Palau Island, was recovered hours later in the nets of a local fishermen who plans to sue everyone remotely involved in the incident.
Toole, who claims royal lineage dating back to the Sumerian pirates who once roamed these shores, is the author of Seeing the World From the Bottom of the Sea. His book chronicles adventures experienced while in the Portuguese submarine service during the Falkland Wars.
Legally referred to as Melvin DeRiviera Dot Com Toolini the almost knighted carbuncle, reportedly lost his monogrammed umbrella to the storm. At press time it has not been recovered.
Utopia Busted
(Crested Butte — Wing and a Prayer Review — March, 2017)
Police arrested over 300 persons in a predawn raid near Dark Canyon this morning. Those now in custody are wanted in connection with the establishment of utopian society up high in the Elk Mountains and away from the 21st Century.
It is believed that the community has been functioning without currency or taxes and has survived by selling cookies in town and trading the profits for necessities.
Police were tipped off to the existence of the utopia by carnivorous backpackers who came upon the scant encampment while wandering around lost in the woods.
Along with the detained, a subsequent search of the area netted an estimated 1700 pounds of chocolate chips and almost a ton of pecans with an estimated street value of $1.4 billion. Other paraphernalia such as mixing bowls, Dutch ovens and countless aprons were seized.
It is hoped that this action will severely curtail and seriously diminish illicit cookie operations in accordance with the far-reaching War on Fudge coming to a checkpoint near you.
– Tommy Middlefinger
HB 86 Angers Realtors
(Crested Butte) House Bill 86 which would prevent realtors from running pictures of themselves and/or their dogs in print advertising has created the expected ruckus within the ranks of the profession. Saying that the restrictions would place agents at a distinct disadvantage when attempting to reassure buyers several local realtors have already filed suit.
“We have to show a human face, even if its been lifted,” said one aging beauty here. “The potential buyer wants to believe that we are honest and trustworthy and that we’re not jacking up prices just to make a larger commission. The dog thing has been dynamite. It presents us as loving pet owners. Nobody can resist a Golden Retriever.”
In recent years realtors have taken to running pictures of dogs in their display ads in an attempt to create a positive perception of themselves as god-fearing, dog-loving, average Joes just out to make an honest living.
Muffy Hollandaise, a local realtor on Elk Avenue, said she does not expect the proposed ruling to affect her bottom or bottom line.
“If they won’t let us put our mugs in the ads we can simply run pictures of little kids or grandmothers. If they can the dogs we’ll just run cats instead. There are lots of cat lovers out there with a down payment. Maybe erotic shots would do the job. They seem to work for the fashion industry and successfully market beer to fourteen-year-olds.”
Primitives, who once roamed the earth without the concept of private ownership of land, still fear that a photo threatens the subject with the loss of his soul.
“Bucolic beliefs like these are ridiculous and have no bearing on realtors or our rights in a free market system,” said Hollandaise.
– Susie Compost
