All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Donald, Mickey Beaten Near Sorbonne
(Toulon, France — Plastic Fantastic News –April 8, 2017)
Angry French students, fearful that the south of France will become another Orange County, attacked two Disney stalwarts here last night. Not seriously injured, the two icons remain quite shaken, after an attack in a peaceful country.
Police say a Donald Duck and a Mickey Mouse were cheated and released at the Of-All-the-Gaul Hospital and sped to the Parisian Latin Quarter and safe housing. The attacks appear related to a growing concern on the part of French progressives that the Disney Corporation would destroy the countryside and harm French culture while turning their country into a theme park.
Another park, began in 1992, has swallowed up vast portions of Gallic countryside near Paris. The city dwellers resent American attempts to import more plastic while French farmers are mad that excellent agricultural land is being turned into a parking lot for witless entertainment seekers.
“It is a carbuncle on the behind of France!” shouted one pissed off farmer. “This land has been farmed since Charlemagne!”
“Who is this Charlemagne? A new Disney character?” asked one resident who is anxious for the theme park to open.
The above farmer adds that his family has been running cows on an adjacent piece of property since around 1350. He says the Yankee dollar has no place in his country and the Yankee taste has even less an invitation.
“We sent them Miss Liberty and they send us rats and ducks,” continued the farmer referring presumably to the recuperating cartoons.
Police have no leads as to the assailants who they say may have been angry that the nation has been twice rescued by American armies in the 20th Century.
“I have no love for these mindless opportunists but I abhor violence,” said Marie LaVoude, a longtime pencil salesman on the Left Bank of the Seine. “If we allow this kind of behavior to go unpunished soon no cartoons will be safe. It will be like living Italy where cartoons can no longer go out in the daylight.”
LaVoude claims that three of the most brutal attackers were dressed as Charles DeGaulle, Napoleon and Maurice Chevalier respectively, which further substantiates fears that new right-wing blowback is brewing. Recent anger toward Muslim and African colonials living in France is also a concern.
“The US is still dealing with its legacy of slavery and we’re dealing with our colonial sins,” said LaVoude.
This is the second such incident in the French capital involving cartoon personalities. The first occurred when Elmer Fudd was slapped around while out hunting near Versailles in May and again while leaving the opera northwest of Louvre in March.
“And I’m not weawy a Disney cawacture,” peeped Fudd. “I’m just heaw hunting wabbit.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“If de land make you too hot, jump into de sea.”
– common advice on the island of Carriacou
North Dakotans protest deunionization
(Bismarck) Plans to kick the state of North Dakota out of the Union came up against rigid protest today as a mob of over three people demonstrated outside the United States embassy here. The sweeping plan, endorsed wholeheartedly by this newspaper, seemed to have been gaining support until an ugly little incident on the banks of the Missouri, which saw two armed camps about to go for the throat,
Proponents of the banishment feel that North Dakota doesn’t do anything and that it is tediously flat.
“It just sits up there collecting dust,” said one Rapid City (South Dakota) man who says his state needs a common border with both Manitoba and Saskatchewan. “We tried to dissolve former boundaries and form one Dakota but the power brokers in Minot squashed that idea. Now it’s war!”
Other civic groups in Eastern Montana feel much the same way.
“We resent the prevalent attitude up in North Dakota, you know, that they’re better than everyone else,” said one Montanan. “Plus the place is a mess. There’s corn lying around and old cars everywhere. Did you ever visit one of those cute little crossroads communities? Bar…church…bar…church…How boring.”
The North Dakotese shoreline below the dangerous Straights of Haggis
Officials in Washington DC are at odds over the proposal since they have never really kicked a state out of the Union.
“Our ancestors endured a five-year war to keep the South from taking a hike back in the 1860s,” said one Congressman. “It seems ludicrous to go out of our way to ban North Dakota from further participation in our affairs. Most of the residents there are honest, hard working taxpayers,” she said. “It’s just a few loafers that spoil things for the majority.”
Another senator suggested that North Dakota should be put under house arrest until the matter is resolved in the quarts.
“What are we going to do? Kick North Dakota out and bring Puerto Rico into the fold?” he frowned. “It may well come to that since we’ve already got all these flags printed with 50 stars and all.”
In a nationwide survey, conducted by ham radio, some 88% of all Americans would prefer that North Dakota joined Russia or Canada or just brought its pathetic road show elsewhere. Emotions currently run high although no real violence has been reported at press time.
– Rocky Flats
Everything’s Broken Syndrome Epidemic
(New Jork – Wannabee Flyer — April, 2017)
Research engineers here confirm that the current state of social disrepair has outgrown its traditional parameters. The proportional statistics are not looking good for the future either.
Illustrating this rude malady we see broken vacuum cleaners, dysfunctional bread makers, a wrecked recliner…and that’s just in the living quarters. Out on the barn there is a dilapidated satellite dish, two camper trailers in pieces, a quaint but broken ceramic birdbath and a scattering of school desks scuttled before their time.
The trends see us moving toward throw-away everything in a recycled nightmare,” concludes Dr Irm Peawitt of the Polo Grounds Institute, a new age think tank, located under the 3rd Street Bridge which has been broken and out of commission since the end of hockey season.
“Today in our cities there are over 400,000 toasters out of commission while almost 2500 cars wouldn’t start this morning,” said Peawitt. “We haven’t a clue where to go with all of this but since our budget runs through next December we’ll keep coming to work. We have stored everything in secret, fireproof files for posterity and according to strict federal regulations.”
“God help these government people if the check writing machine or the shredder goes on the fritz,” laughed Peawitt. “My agency accomplishes little and therefore our shenanigans are an open book and every Friday we are paid in gold bars which are nice but often difficult to cash over the weekend.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”
– Ann Wilson-Schaef
Like learning Vietnamese
After almost 5 months my Vietnamese remains at the basic conversational level. This photo shows the graphic dimensions of a very difficult language to absorb. Photo taken in Dalat.
Putin may owe 3.5 million to IRS
Vladimir Putin has catagorically denied he owed the United States Treasury Department any money since he had never worked in that country. However IRS files suggest that since last summer Putin has received payments of an undisclosed amount from a shadow US government checking account.
For a related thrill read: Putin – Rasputin: A Frightening Genetic Link
“They must be whopper checks or he’s been stuck into a higher tax bracket in accordance with economic sanctions imposed by The Obama Administration,” said someone on television. “So what do you know, Vlad’s been covering his paper tail (stet). He wouldn’t try that in Russia. They skin him alive right there in Fred’s Square.”
In an apparent effort to deflect attention, Putin today named former agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale in yet another hacking probe this time involving Dubai, Rio, Angora and Western Nebraska. The Cold War standouts, thought to be long dead have been living in in in Crete.
“We caught them (Boris and Natasha) red-handed,” choked Putin, “They were in Russia illegally to play golf. What fools.”
The well-tanned centenarians were arrested on the ninth hole (a tight par 3 with a dogleg left) while playing a round despite the frigid temperatures at Frostbite Balls, a golf corpse owned by the retired spies.
Longtime associates Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose, who filled out the odd foursome, were not held in connection with the incident. Friends fear for their well-being as Putin has placed them on the “endangered species list” for their own protection.
– Margot “Ramones” Romanoff
Cuba wants to use rum to repay debts
(Havana) The Cuban government has announced its aim to repay foreign debtors with it’s famous rums. (Name a few here) have been earmarked as the finest for export to countries who have helped the island nation weather he storm of economic embargo.
Russia and China are already on board with the Czech Republic, Vietnam and an assortment of South American countries showing interest in the plan. Other say “maybe…but what kind?”
A wide range of quality of rum exists in Cuba from gourmet to low-end. The rate of exchange and how the rum would be shipped were not clear however the architects of the exchange appear certain that the deal will go through, allowing everyone to enjoy the national nectar.
“Everyone knows about Havana cigars,” said one official here. “But many don’t realize we produce the finest rums in the world. Soon we might even sell the beverage in Western countries who have supported to embargo, she said.
Lobbyists with several Puerto Rican rum distillers have filed a complaint with the United Nations and the OAS but no one has responded from those organizations leading watchdogs to believe them naive in the ways of international business.
“The rum is easily the best and we don’t really want to export it at all,” said the source alluding to the thirsty residents of the Caribbean locale. “It’s either the rum or coconuts which are perishable or Fifties vintage Chevrolets that are cumbersome and somewhat impractical anywhere else but here.”
– Jolly Pena
“They think we’re old and useless. They forget that we too have earned he right to live! So I say if we are going to die, my friend, let us die trying, not sitting” – Sa to Ch’idzigyaak after the two old women were left behind by their starving nomadic tribe in the Arctic.
– Two Old Women by Velma Wallis
