Well what are we waiting for?

Thanks to Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

Free Gas For Tourists Plan Unpopular

(Denver UPS) Colorado businessmen are skeptical of the Noise-Noise Gasoline Subsidy Amendment according to poll takers at the capital. The amendment sponsored by brothers Oral and Rectal Noise, both Colorado senators, calls for state aid to visiting tourists in the form of gasoline.

“If we can offer to pay the tourist’s way to the state,” commented Oral, we can assure ourselves of another record breaking tourist season.”

Advertising campaigns are planned to hit the June publications of National Geographic, National Enquirer and National Lampoon. “We’re looking for the national audience,” said Rectal. “Maybe we can get a network to pick up the story.”

The cost of the program would be “alarming” according to one member of the Colorado House.

“It’s just like so many other bills sponsored by the Noises. They keep pecking away at you with all their neurotic little hand movements and keep you in suspense waiting for the punch line that never comes.”

Most Colorado legislators and business groups are skeptical of the bill.

“Where does the honorable senator expect to get the funds for a program like this?” asked one visiting gasoline attendant specialist from Helena, Montana.

Noise was unavailable for comment but has hinted that the state could charge one dollar for a glass of water between June and October.

This looks like the second defeat in a row for the senator from Uranus, Colorado as his bill to award the highway road kill maintenance contract to various fast food concerns was soundly defeated in November. He is currently being investigated for alleged meetings with Russian officials over asphalt maintenance and chuckhole counseling in rural Colorado and Utah in 2016.

– Rudy Wanderlust 

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“A Monkey’s Uncle”

Once again the adventures of your favorite jungle friends are sponsored by O’Hara’s Gourmet Foot Powder and Pink Eye Lotion for the livestock in all of us. “Buy a Gift Basket for the bovine who has captured your heart.” We join this month’s episode in progress.

The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa.

Tarzan: Cheetah like name. She say so.

Jane: But darling, you mistakenly named your pet after a spotted cat. What if Cheetah rejoins the other apes? What happens then? What about her future mate?

Tarzan: Cheetah good name for monkey.

Jane: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I like it.

Tarzan: Tarzan only uncle here. Jane not uncle.

Jane: Oh, sorry, dear, that’s just an expression.

Tarzan: Jane confuse Tarzan.

Jane: And that’s no chore. Getting back to Cheetah’s plight why can’t we just change her name to something like “Banzo” or “King Kong”?

Tarzan: Jane make joke?

Jane: No joke, Tarzan. What about Konga or Tanga or Carla?

Tarzan: Banzo played with Ronald Reagan. King Kong try to eat New York. Cheetah nice monkey.

Jane: Tarzan, dear, we need to address this situation before Cheetah matures. Remember all the problems we had with Boy in junior high school, in part because of the name you gave him.

Tarzan: Boy good name for boy.

Jane: But the other children made fun of him.

Tarzan: Tarzan think Jane worry too much. Tarzan go out and wrestle with lions, call elephants, throw spears, something important. Jane want to change Cheetah’s name…that OK but remember monkey has name on business cards and personalized stationery.

Jane: Maybe your right, dear, have fun with your animal friends but be careful.

THE END

Horseshoe pledge: No more silly slapstick

Late last night the San Juan Horseshoe promised it’s readers: No more cheap pie throwing slapstick. Much to our surprise our fans cried “Foul”….so we brought in a chicken. That did not seem to soothe them one bit. Nobody be happy these days…

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated boxholder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe.

“They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities such as mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing the same behavior patterns.

– Small Mouth Bess

MAGPIES WINNING IN EXTRA INNINGS

(Ouray) Despite the efforts of local law enforcement and summer vigilantes freed from the tedious classroom, magpies reign supreme in this box canyon town.

Since May police have arrested over 200 of the black and white squawkers and some 50 of their ravenous associates. Round-ups continue this afternoon with incarcerations centering around heaping dumpsters and bankrupt backyard gardens.

With the abduction of a spunky septuagenarian from her garden apartment early Monday the crows can now claim another victory in the struggle for the hearts and the minds of this very frightened town.

“Every time I hear that familiar caw I think of poor Mrs. Belfry, sitting out on her porch doing crossword puzzles. Then, without warning she is dragged off to who knows what horrible fate,” said investigating officer Anthony Flyfishe.

“The worst of them hang out in the back-alleys and on the power lines where they can keep an eye on what humans throw out,” said the officer who has subdued more than 100 of the pests single-handedly, using only regulation rubber bullets dipped in tailings water and common sense.

Gangs of youth, armed with sling-shots and pellet guns will continue keeping the infestation at bay through August. Then, when that brave contingent goes back to school the local militias are generally depleted, reinforcements nothing more than a chest-of-medals fantasy. Shells of their humvies and monster trucks still litter Main Street, a testament to the stark futility of it all.

“They run a regular little sewing circle every damn morning under my window,” added Irvine Toole of the Oak Street Tooles. “They caw at each other tirelessly. They curse like little beaked sailors. They arrogantly relieve themselves at will, dance suggestively in the street and even smoke cigars before breakfast.”

Toole added that at least the birds don’t have car alarms.

According to a controversial feature in The Pea Green Peeper, which appeared exactly one year ago today, pedestrians should feel fortunate that the birds can’t aim. In the article, Sewage Treatment and You, the subject of aggravated attacks from the sky and frontal assaults on windshields was undressed by artillery experts within the Colorado Division of Wildlife. These logistical engineers suggest that the city import or clone predators who might eat the crows.

“The only animal who will repeatedly eat crow is human,” said one DOW spokesperson, and employing that tactic would certainly open up a whole new can of worms.”

Residents began to smell a rat when they noticed the gradual disappearance of other birds in town. By now the classic variety of songbirds has been all but diminished. Even smaller garbage birds seemed to be avoiding the downtown areas, especially after dark.

“If one hikes up another 2000 feet the place is loaded with songbirds,” said Sarah Cera of the Butane Society. “Our committees will keep a close eye on this one to insure that crows, magpies and ravens are not the victims of discrimination. Species profiling is an ugly thing,” she flinched, cracking her badly deformed knuckles like dried Texas pecan shells.

Many Ouray residents display tacky, plastic pink flamingos on their property to discourage squatting flocks. Others have constructed patriotic scarecrows out of discarded Fourth of July parade floats. None of these methods works for long as the birds get wise and pooh-pooh the attempts of the land-locked humans, mocking them from nearby box elder trees, flaunting their feathered invincibility

Attempts to harness and redirect power surges when crowds of crows loiter on utility lines have been abandoned in the face of criticism by animal rights advocates from the Confront Range.

Even though the crows provide a source of protein to some residents during the winter months most people here agree that it’s time to run the winged bullies out of town, if it’s not already too late.

“We may as well admit it,” said Toole. “We are defeated. The entire town will soon be in the hands of scavenger birds. Oh, well, it could be worse. It could be the bears in charge and at least the birds have promised not to pave the side streets.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe