All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
La disfunción eréctil sube un 37% desde enero
(Washington) A pesar de todo el machismo, la nación está llena de amantes ineptos, dicen los investigadores de la Clínica Mao. Admitiendo que no habían vinculado datos que vinculen la edad con la ingesta de alcohol y las preferencias de sexo festivo o los afectos después de la cena con las acrobacias de The Martini, los fervientes partidarios del estudio dicen que esto es sólo la punta del iceberg.
“La situación surgió justo cuando nuestro actual líder pagó por tener relaciones sexuales y luego mintió sobre sus escapadas”, dijo un físico conductista residente cedido por el Cal Polygamy Institute en Toronto.
“No podemos determinar claramente qué podría generar esa avenida oscura cuando se lanza como alimento de paloma a una población masculina ya conmocionada. Cuando las personas aceptan fácilmente lo que siempre ha sido un comportamiento inmoral como comportamiento normal, renuncian a una parte de sí mismos “.
La Dra. Grace Ballgame teme que la situación empeore día a día. Ella advierte de la negación desenfrenada, la aceptación de la sociedad de estimulantes extraños, la culpa, el egoísmo, las expectativas y la copia impresa del porno de la computadora.
“Toda la fanfarronada falsa que vomita desde el pozo del infierno está sacudiendo la base misma de lo que significa ser un hombre funcional”, continuó.
“Reemplazar el amor por la lujuria es como reemplazar el patriotismo con lemas y patrioterismo. Incluso estas personas saben la diferencia. Solo quieren echarle la culpa a alguien dentro y fuera de la habitación “.
Los detractores de este y otros estudios dicen que es simplemente una coincidencia que las cifras subieron tan dramáticamente en enero junto con las débiles amenazas sin fundamento de la Casa Blanca dirigidas a minorías, extranjeros, aliados tradicionales, liberales, periodistas, demócratas, China, Canadá y sindicatos . Las fuentes dentro de la Casa Blanca decidieron no hacer comentarios sobre el análisis inquietante.
– Gabby Haze
TOOL QUITS JOURNALISM
(Manana) Award winning associate editor, Melvin Toole, has resigned from his lucrative position at the San Juan Horseshoe effective Friday. He will pursue a career in professional rodeo. Recent successes at bull riding and calf roping seem to have convinced the scribe to change jobs.
Toole has been on a sabbatical since May and has been earning extra money playing the accordion outside Coors Field at Rockies games. He became an overnight rodeo fanatic after a torrid love affair with Trudy Belle Lorenzo, Hall of Fame barrel racer and dry land wheat farmer from lavish East Colona.
Toole plans to throw his hat into the professional rodeo ring next spring.
“I’ve watched a lot of rodeo on TV,” said the 82-year old Tool who gained national notoriety in 1979 when he bravely crossed the Black Canyon of the Gunnison with a pair of hastily constructed wax wings. Later in 1987 he became the only white man to have successfully negotiated the San Miguel River from Shamrock Mines to Vanadium while totally emerged in a ramshackle oak whiskey barrel and without the aid of artificial breathing apparatus. Last year Tool thrilled Montrose County Fair participants as he scaled Friendship Hall, again in a barrel and without the aid of a net.
Sporting bumper stickers which read: “Better dead than deadlines” and “Bull riders are my type” the former journalist kissed his desk goodbye and drove off into the sunset accompanied by his dog “Rollo” and a bucket of fried chicken wings.
– Uncle Pahgre
When Lulu Belle Hit Town
For all the world’s attention
She picked a tumble-down
old village off the road maps
when Lulu Belle hit town.
The boys all paid attention
to her beauty tightly wound.
She lingered near their wallets
when Lulu Belle hit town.
Long winter landscape dreaming
stimulation for the clown
then up the ante once again
since Lulu Belle hit town.
How could she be so heartless?
How could she let them down?
Hot love affairs soared high, then crashed
When Lulu Belle hit town.
She never made a promise
She only hung around
The men folk did the rest of it
When Lulu Belle hit town.
And broken hearted acres
of tears and chronic frown
left hayseeds crying in their beer
When Lulu Belle left town.
– Kevin Haley
Most Matchmakers prefer solitude, going it alone
According to a cross-section of matchmakers interviewed over the past twelve months, most prefer the single life. In 88% of the cases the arrangements made for other people have little to do with lifestyle choices and relationships for the fulcrum that brings parties together.
Despite what in many cultures is a formal occupation, the edifying actions of these introduction and bindery engineers is not reflective of the free-wheeling, almost live-wire realities expressed in our scientific survey.
“We separate work from play,” explained one matchmaker . “Just because we do the research and match two likely subjects doesn’t mean we are on the prowl for a mate.
Harmony, according to the respondents, is everything in a relationship or love affair but there is no guarantee of bliss. Modern day matchmakers often see themselves as the equivalent of sports or talent agents who are trying to get the best contract for their clients.
“After all I’ve seen of the human predicament I prefer the peace and solitude of an unattached life,” said one. “Monogamy can be a soothing bargain and there is no shortage of people ready to embrace it without fully considering the wrappings and trappings or a lifelong commitment.”
“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence themselves.”
– Will Rogers
LETTUCE BEFORE LEARNING IN AMERICA
(Washington) The newly organized Agency for Sensitivity and Compassion has released guidelines for putting former students to work picking agricultural products this fall. The far-reaching program will kick off with the closure of all schools and focus on the needs of corporate farms.
Later in the fall privately held farms would qualify to begin employing the youthful labor force to pick everything from apples to cotton. A preliminary plan to shutter all but a few centers of learning has gained a House nod with several related bills pending in the Senate.
Child pickers harvest soy beans in lieu of knowledge according to the New Order instituted by Department of Education.
“It’s called redirecting resources,” said one of the architects of the plan whose children attend private, elite institutions that are exempt from what critics call “lockdowns”. Restricting the majority of children from the classroom was explained by the White House as “for their own good since they are not learning the right things anyway.”
It was not clear if parochial schools would be affected although persons familiar with these developments say it will depend of loyalty and support of these policies across the board. These bodies could be eligible for special treatment if they denounce other less desirable groups, as they have often done throughout history.
“This is the final phase of the dumbing of America,” say many teachers. “Manpower shortages because of cruel, impotent and incompetent immigration laws are resolved by putting students in the field to insure the continued profits of corporate farms.
“Our schools need to educate and graduate people who can think,” said one retired teacher, “and who will uphold our Democratic beliefs. That has not been happening. Just look at the Congress. Legislation by dollars. We elected them.”
Supporters of the move counter by insisting that no real learning is going on anyway and that it is high time for “these pampered brats to come to the aid of corporate America for the benefit of all Americans.”
Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos chimed in her support for the changes, reassuring “our base bases that the Big Guy was always watching and had their best interests at heart.
“There comes a time when we must chose: Melons & pumpkins or history & math? We like to call it sweat equity for the future. Soon they will all have Green Cards so we can identify bad apples and curtail the movements of insurgent groups.”
Most of the labor force will come from the Blue States who did not support the GOP ticket in 2016 but those ranks will remain open to include the children of persons who voted for Trump in 2016. The offspring of Republican honchos and donors will remain in school so as to graduate and run the country in the future.
– K. Sera Huckleberry
—Advertisement—
Ready to go on a real toot?…Try a quart of your favorite cheap mixer and a couple of Aqua Velva miniatures. Wow! What a buzz! Desperate times call for desperate measures so why not measure a healthy shot of Aqua Velva and go to the races inside your living room or outside on the porch. Invite the neighbors. You can afford it! Available where fine colognes are sold.
—Advertisement—
Bad roads lead to denture damage
Washboards, bar ditches and chuckholes are often devastating to a set of store teeth according to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, of the Fourth Republic Dental Junta in Mañana.
“All the flossing in the world cannot change ugly.” – Dr Efram Pennywhistle DFD, LSD, LSMFT
“Just once over a rough landscape masquerading as a roadway is enough to do damage, but a regular diet banging and vibration can be the undoing of dentures altogether,” said Pennywhistle, “if not to mention grinding, clenching and the popular biblical gnashing on drop-offs and tight curves.”
When asked if humans faced the same predicaments with their original bicuspids Pennywhistle retorted angrily, “I only do dentures. I don’t know anything about real teeth but I can’t imagine it helping them.”
The doctor, who claims to have 57 different teeth in his head, suggested wearing a mouth guard and/or simply staying on pavement.
“The dust is nobody’s sweetheart either,” he flinched. A mouth full of dirt tends to yellow the dentures and cause gums to become puffy, enhancing the perception that the wearer needs immediate medical attention.”
– Pepper Salte
