All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Whitaker to play lead in Manchurian Candidate

(Hsinking) Acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker will join a cast of thousands in the Christmas presentation of The Manchurian Candidate it was disclosed today.

The play, set during the Cold War, chronicles the lives of sleeper agents sent by North Korea to disrupt two-party politics in the US. The brainwashing scenes are magnificent while the stage lights amplify the already stunning array of Fifties’ fashions such as massive overcoats and boxy accessories.

This is the first performance by the little known Whitaker who rose to prominence as a candidate for several major offices in the state of Iowa. Later he represented World Patent Marketing, a fraudulent invention promotion firm shut down by the FCC for deceiving consumers, many of who were US military veterans.

He will be joined on stage by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions who will play Jupiter, a former POW during the Korean War who had once undergone surgery to become a chorus girl in Pusan. Retired House Majority Leader Paul Ryan has been penciled in to appear as a talking rat in all but one nude scene filmed on board the USS Elon Musk, in the Sea of Japan.

“Sessions brings a little light into an otherwise dark period in our history,” said director Hector Mongol whose resume includes such standout films and plays as “Gutless of Guilty”, “The Huckabee Hillbillies” and the epic play “Nancy Pelosi is Coming to Your House for Christmas”.

“I like the clever racist asides cracked by the little elves coming back to the prison camp at the end of the workday,” said Mongol. “Comic relief, often awkward, comes at the expense of the non-European extras bused in every day from the Yalu Valley.

The producers of the Yuletide presentation hope that President Trump will attend along with Mississippi’s favorite daughter, Cindy Hyde-Smith in tow.

-Tommy Middlefinger

More “Ain’t No Tommyknockers”

continued from a past embrace

and that’s when they made that final, inevitable stand…right there at the north end of the bar.

“I’ll not be movin’ to accommodate some damn mole of a fairy,” said Seamus, landing one in an unassuming spittoon. “Besides, I have claimed this bar room in the good name of Daniel O’Connell, the uncrowned King of Ireland.”

To the amazement of many in town, Seamus also claimed to be a leprechaun.

And that, according to local liars and their henchmen, is how the whole mess escalated. The folks up Catholic Hill felt obliged to support the chatty little person in green. After all, who had kept the banshee at bay and repaired the shoes of their little children?

“It’s that damn Seamus again, tattled the town drunk, Michael Finnegan, a non-practicing Presbyterian. “They’ll be a fracas if he isn’t stopped.”

The new town marshal, Jim Clark, whose mother hailed from County Wicklow, told Seamus to shut up and go home.

And where was that Dempsey kid tonight?” quipped the leprechaun. “Jack Dempsey at 20 has already had several professional fights on the East Coast. He had recently returned to Telluride for a break from the ring. Right now he was walking through the bar room door as Seamus kept right on talking and sipping from the shots that had been bought for him by the much entertained patrons.

“He’d better stay clear of my bar,” he menaced, “or I’ll bloody his nose for him.”

Then he turned around face-to-face with the boxer.

“Jack, my darlin’ squeaked the wormy Seamus from behind his flood of alcohol. “Come and take a drink with me. Were taking the town back from the Tommyknockers. I was just now speaking of you…”

Leprechauns have been known to protect humans that they like, while causing problems for those that they did not appreciate. Dempsey, having been brought up with the slooa shee, albeit with Mormon influence, was well aware of the power that lurked within the dwarfish stature.

“I’ll pass on drinking dirty dish water with you,” said Dempsey figuring Seamus’ tastes had not improved since the last time the two had locked eyes.

“Oh you’re not drinking whiskey? Buy my friend a lager,” he said to the bartender. “I’ll be running things around here soon and I’d like your blessing. When we rid ourselves of the Tommyknockers the deenee shee can once again go about their sacred business of saving civilization without interference.”

Both of them now took a pull on their drinks, made comments about the dust and the hard work, and then Seamus spoke up.

“So I guess what I’m asking, Jack, is are you for us or against us? We need you with us to pull this off. Otherwise,” he winked in the direction of the men at the bar, “we’re gonna have to rough you up. Now you don’t want to mess up those Sunday go to meetin’ duds you so fondly

– Dermott McGinty

Continued out back come spring

WAL-MART MOVING TO CHINA

Bentonville to Beijing

( Montrose) Wal-Mart Corporation is relocating its entire executive complex to Mainland China. The move, announced this morning, is seen as an attempt to get closer to the source of consumer goods sold in the mega stores all over the world.

A vast majority of the products sold by Wal-Mart are made in China.

“We will still wave American flags and greet our customers in English, at least in the US for the time being.,” said a Wal-Mart executive who linked trade deficits with global warming and devil worship.

Controlled jubilation dominated the skyline in the Chinese capital this morning as the news became public. Despite the fact that only a handful of active consumers exist in China the embrace of Wal-Mart was seen as a matter of national pride.

“We don’t intend to go retail right now since our Chinese allies don’t want to see a lot of empty noodle shop storefronts in downtown areas, continued the executive. “We will move in slowly at first gaining the trust of the Chinese consumer, then we will pull the carpet out from under them just like we did in the good ol’ USA.”

The Wal-Mart headquarters will be located in Tiananmen Square next to the 3000-foot high statue of Sam Walton erected by the Chinese after viewing the firm’s sales figures from 2016. Twenty-thousand Chinese serfs are currently constructing the offices. Each floor will feature a McDonalds outlet, which accepts only US dollars.     

Meanwhile back in the USA hungry shoppers still flood Wal-Mart parking lots while their communities fall deeper into despair. Offers to sell US goods in the prospective Wal-Mart retail stores in China were not taken seriously since manufacturing has been shipped off to Latin America.

“For an American the one most unpatriotic act, short of offering aid and comfort to al Qaeda, is shopping at Wal-Mart,” said one consumer advocate. “This is not buying local…even if you live next door. Yet the same idiots that scream about the loss of American ideals and the weak economy shop there. They show up every day of the year wagging their crippled credit cards behind them.”

Economists are baffled by the move saying that burgeoning Hong Kong is a far better fit than is stoic Beijing.

“It sure can’t be the clean air,” said one embassy official. “We have no official position on the matter for fear of offending the Chinese.”

Unreliable sources over at the US State Department say lower level US Wal-Mart employees will be forced into reeducation camps or executed. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Too Many Dogs in Butte

with Kitty Galore

Here in Crested Butte the overpopulated canine culture is certainly one to be reckoned with, and many of us think it is overdone. Everyone seems to have at least one dog. The reason is not clear, since dogs are one of the more annoying entities on the planet. Sure our family owns a dog. He’s a black lab mix named Spot. He’s worthless.

He’s always trying to get in or out, sometimes simultaneously. He’s clumsy and stupid. Imagine a cat chasing a tennis ball for hours or a pet snake bringing in the evening news. Asinine. I tend to avoid Spot unless he gets pushy. Then a well-landed slap across the snout does the trick. I can easily put him in his place without other family members recording the exercise, the true employment of justice.

Ask yourself: Would Crested Butte be a better place without all these mutts around? Sure, we have a leash law, at least on Elk Avenue, which results in yappy, hyper dogs tied up to everything from park benches to baby carriages. Cats don’t need leash laws. They police themselves and are not dumb enough to get caught by the pet patrol. They do their sneaking around at night not right there in broad daylight. In addition, cats bury their business. We don’t leave it lying around on the pavement for tourists to step over, or in, as the case may be.

And speaking of tourists: Dogs, especially larger dogs in the back of pickups, often frighten the daylights out of visitors. This can result in lost revenue for the town. It’s a fact: People who are even slightly uncomfortable spend less cash. Comfort zones are not reassured by aggressive canines growling from their owners jacked up chariots. Oh sure, puppies are popular with tourists, but puppies grow up to be dogs.

Our dog Spot wolfs his food, runs off for hours, sheds, gets up on the furniture, chews shoes, has hellish gas attacks, chases stock, barks incessantly and jumps up on people. He is impossible to train. He has no pride. He drools. Sometimes he sits in the back of our family pickup for hours upon end, waiting patiently to go who knows where. Other days he drags home part of a carcass or maybe a discarded mattress to tear up under the tree.

Last week I happened into the kitchen while another family member was attempting to feed the idiot. He was jumping all around as if he were about to partake in a feast of prime rib and lobster tails. Doesn’t the moron realize that he was getting only two cups of kibble with a splash? Doesn’t he get it? This is the same meal he has been eating for almost four years. What’s all the excitement about? After he has inhaled his food the kitchen floor needs to be sterilized, hermetically sanitized. And that’s after he stands in his dish to corner the last morsels.

When dinner is served for the rest of us we react in a civilized manner and eat slowly, chewing our food and making light conversation. Why rush through the meal? You can always go back to it, unless of course someone has left my tuna casserole or chicken hearts at dog mouth level. In this case the food is gone before the dog has even tasted it. What did you just eat, Spot? What? Eat? Sure.

I don’t eat his food, unless I am near starvation. Why can’t he respect my habits as well? And when was the last time he cleaned himself? Months. He comes into the house full of mud and snow. He’s all wet then shakes and leaves paw prints on the carpet. He smells like old newspapers that have been soaked in rotten eggs. I clean myself daily, sometimes twice daily, especially after dining. One of the larger family members is forced to give Spot a bath which is like trying to shave a water buffalo with a pick ax or castrate a rooster in the dark. What a scene. Spot really hates it, so I like to watch. The garden hose is my favorite instrument of torture. After he’s hit with it a few times he runs and hides under the car. Fool.

In closing I must mention my irritation with tourists. If I’m sitting on a wall, or up a tree and one of them sees me I yawn and close my eyes. If he/she wants to talk to me I listen but my response is subtle at best. Why do these two-legged creatures want to talk about? We don’t even know each other. If Spot were on the receiving line of the conversation he’d be a mess. He might even pee on himself in anticipation. Anticipation of what? Some mindless vocalization obsessing about the state of things in dog-land. I’ve watched it all. You might be surprised to find out how many people say hello to every dog they pass while ignoring their own species. Odd.

POSTAL WORKERS ON SABBATICAL

(Washington) After a flurry of activity over the summer some 40,000 postal workers will journey to Peru for a much needed rest. While relaxing in the South American country the workers will study the behavior of Peruvian postal workers, a group which rarely succumbs to stress.

In many remote Peruvian mountain areas the mail is often weeks late and some packages never arrive at all, but no one seems to mind. In fact, most of the natives there deliver their own mail.

“People in the United States are spoiled,” said one organizer of the trip. “We could learn a lot by observing postal practices in South America.”

Feds apologize for illegal raid

(Tuba City, AZ) Treasury agents say they’re “awfully sorry” about a mindless raid on the Knights of Columbus Bingo Pavilion here. After arresting several hundred bingo enthusiasts, the intruders finally determined that no laws had been broken, released all prisoners and vacated the premises.

“What if something illegal had been going on?” spouted Special Agent Wanda Wanna. “One can never be sure with wide open reservation gambling running amuck.”

The feds had apparently mistaken Tuba City for Mesquite, Nevada from the air. According to the architects of the assault Mesquite had been the original target since it is located closer to a four-lane highway.

“I had one little combination to go and I would have won over fifteen bucks,” said Evelyn “Grandma” Sumpump, of nearby Cow Springs. “I plan to sue the government for that figure plus gas money for emotional duress.”

The feds plan a surprise raid on Mesquite and the diluted “sin city” of Las Vegas next Friday, unless it rains.                          

-Mel Toole