All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

OUTRAGEOUS REAL WORDS

A Quiz For Phonics Buffs

ABBOZZO

a. derogartoy term for a clown

b. a rough draft or sketch

c. an inconsiderate male

BILLABONG

a. a brand of drug paraphenilia

b. a collection agency that uses violent means

c. a pool formed by a backwater channel

DOXY

a. a double oxymoron

b. a prostitute

c. a brand of acne medication

FARD

a. to put on make up

b. having passed gas

c. feminine for “pard”

GERONTOCRACY

a. government by old people

b. bingo parlor ethics

c. Apache social structure in place in late 1900s

INGUSTABLE

a. non-distinguishable winds

b. prone to chronic indigestion

c. tasteless

OZOSTOMIA

a. movement of ozone

b. bad breath

c. disease affecting dairy cows

SPOFFOKINS

a. a whore pretending to be a wife

b. rude little creatures living under mushrooms

c. bits of satire gone awry

YEX

a. a positive curse

b. hiccup, cough

c. affirmative by speech-impaired

ZOILISM

a. study of exotic soils

b. credo of ancient Egypt

c. nagging criticism

ANSWERS TO WORD QUIZ: 1. b, 2. c, 3. b, 4. a, 5. a, 6. c, 7. b, 8. a, 9. b, 10. c

Visiting our Civil War battlefields

In recognition of the 150th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelde traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleetwheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.

Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.

We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:

Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire  standing firm rather than  retreating to the confines of the town he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,”

Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”

Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”

Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…

Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.

Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi

Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.

Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.

Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.

Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.

Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.

Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.

Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.

Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.

Sam—But we’re self-contained

Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you.

Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.

Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having the high-tail it back home.

Sam—Maybe,

Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.

Sam―Not always.

Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vickburg.

Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear to much makeup and you snore.

Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.

Sam—Your dog ran away.

Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.

Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…

Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.

Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.

Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.

Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.

Sam and Matida will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.

KNYK Radio on Air

A Real Slap in the Face

(Pea Green) KNYK FM Radio “24 Hours of Three Stooges” hit the airwaves this morning with a bang, presenting vocal productions of both The Woman Haters (1934) and Half Wits’ Holiday (1947), backed by a rogue format with snippets of news and commentary. The station name (pronounced nyuk or nayuck running the n and the y together) comes from a familiar one-syllable expression common to the character Curly (of the Stooges) who nailed down countless  classic performances over his short-lived career.

Supported on stage by Larry and Moe, Curly’s antics covered the gamut from the curly shuffle to the popular pliers to the nose/fingers deep to the eye sockets routine. Although graphic in presentation the station’s operators feel that there is enough crazy audio in the films to pull off the project.

“We soitenly intend to make a profit and think there are enough people out there with nothing better to do than listen to the sounds of the Three Stooges,” said Shep Sheperdson, sales director. “Although the Stooges were never popular as a radio program, like Amos and Andy or Jack Benny we feel that their appeal reaches across medium lines as well as generational lines. Besides, commercial radio programming is far more annoying than round-the-clock Stooges episodes. If you don’t agree, smack me in the face with a pipe wrench or bop me on side of the head with a sledge hammer.”

Businesses wishing to advertise on KNYK will find a staff with a wealth of knowledge on not only the Stooges themselves, but on such often elusive subjects as gonzo hair styles for men, comedic violence and the trendy fashion common to the trio.

“Our presentations will not be canned or recreated,” said Sheperdson. “They will be exclusive pieces from the films themselves along with jingles, background music and of course the sound effects that made the movies so well loved. Hey Moe…Hey Moe…stick a claw hammer up my nose.”

Sheperdson thinks the station will have immediate benefits for younger listeners in that the adventures of the Stooges might show them a different way to view life.

“You don’t see these boys messing with drugs or questioning our government, do you?” asked Sheperdson. “They just go about the business of drilling each other with jackhammers as in My Sister Eileen (1942) and surviving in a harsh world that may not always understand them. What’s important is that they get up every day and embrace it all…the good…the bad…the ridiculous.”

We would now like to take ten seconds so that our readers can identify themselves. THIS IS KNYK RADIO – 24 HOURS OF THREE STOOGES!

– Melvin Toole

      

TOBACCO EXECS `CALL THEIR MOMS, RARELY KICK DOGS’

(Winston-Salem, NC) The average tobacco company executive calls his mother on Sundays, never misses a family birthday and loves little puppies according to a recently released personality sketch by hired gun publicists for the American Tobacco Association.

The bosses dress nice, are well educated as to foreign markets, have never been involved in the White slave trade, did not vote for Joe Stalin, are not on welfare, have a strong interest in youth, and do not smoke.

The data was collected by polling the top tobacco executives in North Carolina.

In addition pollsters found that the average exec was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

The National Rifle Association and the Republican Party disavowed rumors that a similar survey may be exercised within the ranks of these entities.

– Jerry Mandering

“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.”  – Alex Hamilton

      

Private Sector Wants Piece of DUI Pie

(Malfunction) Fresh from the lucrative bonanza of prison construction earnings, private enterprise now seeks to jump on the DUI gravy train. With burgeoning profits from drunk driving arrests being recorded at national and local levels, businessmen are primed to make yet another killing. The low-overhead operations have filled gov’ment coffers due to fines and court cost leaving hopped up citizens to pay the tab.

“If a driver sucks down two beers and gets behind the wheel he could be forced into bankruptcy,” said Leopold Bloom, head of a contingent of entrepreneurs who seek to be let in on this evil profiteering. “If the cops want to get all the drunks off the road they should share the enforcement with privateers motivated solely by money. Let’s face it,” Bloom continued. “There’s little effort based on serve and protect. It’s all about cash.”

Fears among capitalists that the public will rise up and demand an end to fiscal punishment, insisting rather on loss of license for life followed by stiff prison terms, were heard as far away as the United States Senate Friday. The recent changes at the legislative level, namely the House and Senate submission to direct corporate sponsorship, threaten a relaxation of current legal alcohol levels nationwide.

     “We may be forced to succumb to the wishes of sin industries like beer and wine,” said Colorado Senator Betty Racehorse Proctor and Gamble .

     “The paternal corporations don’t really own us,” said Jesse Phillip Morris Newport (LSMFT-NC). “Oh, this Marlboro logo on my lapel? It’s not really advertising. It’s underwriting.” Helms went on to say that smoking won’t hurt anyone, especially while on the highway.

     “And I don’t mean no pot neither,” he spat. 

– Ernesto Poltroon

If Jesus of Nazareth was appointed to the US Supreme Court how would he vote on issues such as child welfare, air pollution, white supremacy, climate change, immigration, women’s rights, private prisons, wars, the imbalance of wealth, the Second Coming and the morality of the current White House? Please send answers to Fundamentalists for the Apocalypse in East Jerusalem.

Highway 50 Toll Road Opens Today

(Montrose) Motorists will now pay a minimal fee for the right to operate their vehicles on Highway 50 from Monarch Pass to Grand Junction according to a spokesman for the Colorado Department of Transcendental Mobility and Gravitational Dimensions.

The fee, larger than a bread box, but smaller than the national debt, will be levied based on weight, distance traveled and attitude. Tips are appreciated.

Heavier vehicles, especially tractor-trailers that already pay considerable road tax, will be charged slightly higher than say, tin yupster four-wheel-drive transports and microbuses.

“We don’t like to let this kind of cat out of the bag since people might think we’re all sitting around on our asphalt,” said Princess Irm Peawit, whose father Reginald Peawit was recognized as King of the Highway during a stint as Detector of Roads and Bridges during the Eisenhower years.

“After all, I just sort of inherited this job and, well, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m taking my responsibilities lightly. Hell, I might want to run for governor or even dog catcher down the primrose path,” she stressed.

Peawit went on to explain that the toll concept actually saves taxpayers a bundle since it negates overtime paid out to idle billboard stretchers, perplexed tattoo artists and semi-retired blacktop consultants. She refused to retrace the horizontal math employed in the decision making process but hinted that it was “a no-brainer” to decide what color to paint the lines on the highways.

“People who complain about the toll or react in what is perceived as a hostile manner will be charged more and in some cases held up for hours,” said Peawit.

“All of our toll engineers are equipped with an assortment of stun-guns and two-way radios. We realize this charge is inconvenient for most motorists but one has to understand that poor highway maintenance still costs money.”

When asked what her department has done with tax revenues earmarked for roads, Peawit referred to the notes written on her arm and said, “We have been informed that those funds will be used to build stadiums for wealthy sports franchises over in Denver.”

Coincidentally the toll road opens just prior to the expected annexation of Parlin by Gunnison and the arrival of tourist ski season.

“We have to keep up with corn prices,” said Peawit who echoed projections that the city of Montrose will be twice the size of Denver by the year 2026. The nearby hamlet of Colona has billed itself as The New LA by 2030.

“Hard to believe, isn’t it,” she quipped, distancing herself from the frightening projections.

In a related piece, sources are mum with regards to a rumor that the Colorado House has approved a transaction that would send Colorado water to California in return for an extended culture package.

– Uncle Pahgre

“In Kentucky and Tennessee settles were thrown from their beds and heard timbers of their cabins wretch apart and watched the bricks crumble into heaps of debris masked in choking clouds of dust. Bridges snapped and tumbled into rivers and creeks. Glass shattered, fences and bars collapsed and fires broke out. Steep ravines and cliffs slipped filling accompanying chasms, and the country was blanketed with a deafening roar. Such was the great sign of Tecumseh.”

– from The Frontiersmen by Alan W. Eckert