All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

PINK FLOYD TAKES EXCEPTION TO CHINESE LUNAR PROBE

Far Side of the Moon? Pardon me

(LONDON) The much beloved rock and roll band, Pink Floyd, has no problem with people walking all over the moon. Whether they are American, Russian, Chinese or Martian makes no difference to the musical group that claims millions of listeners down here on earth.

What Pink Floyd does not appreciate is the reference to the Far Side of the Moon that, according to photos taken by the Chng’e 4 Rover, is not dark at all. Besides squashing legends akin to green cheese and the man in the moon, the soft touchdown on the lunar surface confirms the impossibility of direct communication from the earth.

“The far side of the moon always points away from the earth leading early astronomers to refer to it as the dark side of the moon,” said a Chinese astronaut who expects to land on the lunar surface sometime in 2019. “We love Pink Floyd but the lyrics in Dark Side of the Moon are incorrect!”

Claiming poetic license, Pink Floyd does not want to made out to be liars or lose the allegiance of its fan base due to “petty observations and the opinion of those who would discredit musical adaptation and mild reference to concepts held deep in our hearts and accepted in our vernacular.”

The Chang’e 4 landed in the Von Karman Crater in December, a landmark located on the far side of the celestial body. Scientists in Shanghai say they hope to further study the surrounding dirt and subsurface and send back photos proving there is no real dark side of the moon.

And this on the heels of the lunar development space explorers at Kepler Mission K2 say they have discovered an entire new world out of reach of our solar system. Called K2288Bb the project has detected countless planets and stars unknown to man before this date.

“Many of these planets could support life,” said a Kepler spokesperson. “This is an exiting discovery although it may take centuries to determine just what we have found here.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

CHINA COULD CUT OFF FISH STICK EXPORTS

Aid to Puerto Rico will just have to wait

Just over a year ago China recorded a major public relations victory in the Caribbean by unveiling a mega plan to rescue Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria left the island in ruins on September 20, 2017.

Now it risks alienating everyone in the region by threatening to cut off his or her fish sticks. The unidentified ocean product made to look like a stick is, like beans and rice and johnnycakes, a major staple to the people here.

“Why catch and clean a fish when I can buy frozen replica right there at the grocery store?” asked one woman who insisted that her family could not survive without the frozen facsimile.

The Chinese figured that with little effort they could make new friends and make Trump look bad. The President and his staff were chronically slow in coming the aid of what is virtually an American colony. Readers will recall the footage of the President merrily tossing paper towels to traumatized victims of the storm. Racist overtones were as thick as an oil pipeline.

“China has been quick to expand its sphere of influence in Africa and Southeast Asia,” said a respected public official in San Juan, “and the Caribbean is ripe for investment and exploitation. “We have seen what happens when a culture sells off its natural resources for trinkets and modern conveniences.”

Thousands of families lost their homes when Maria landed her vicious right cross. Residential areas are still suffering. Transportation is still not back to normal. Blue tarps are still covering thousands of homes, especially in the central mountains.

“This obvious grandstanding by an enemy of freedom will in no way detour our plans for the complete recovery of the island,” said a Trump appointee on the ground in Puerto Rico. “If China thinks she can showcase our impotent response to the disaster and insensitivity to human suffering they’ve got another think coming.”

It gets uglier: In late 2017 the Red Cross had collected 71 million dollars for Puerto Rican relief and yet the agency said it did not have the money to help the island’s inhabitants. Then earlier this year “friends in the Congress” granted lucrative contracts to US firms to provide food and shelter to Maria’s victims. Despite the transfer of funds little has actually been done, especially for the poorer residents.

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”

– Gracie Allen

Voter Turnout Akin to Wash Day

(Dayton, Ohio) Statistics compiled during the mid term elections confirm suspicions that more people did their laundry than showed up at the polls on November 6. The domestic chore of clothes washing won out by just a few percentage points—an improvement over 2016.

Is this the 49% that the two-party campaign pimps have been bragging about?

Sociologists contend the behavior indicates that voters would rather have clean clothes than elect clean leaders in the House and Senate. Many feel disconnected to the political process and prefer to spend time and attention on domestic and janitorial matters that they can control.

“Who could blame these people considering the terrible choices that both parties present,” asked Bert Cheer, proprietor of Bert’s Scrub and Wash, reputed to be the largest commercial/retail laundromat on the planet. “I’ve seen gray polo shirts more interesting than the issues presented to the voters. These politicians keep talking but offer no answers. I’ve seen worn-out  bloomers with far more imagination and insight.”

When asked why potential voters couldn’t wash their socks and cast their vote on the same trip to town one researcher suggested that it would be too much for most.

“Like a hungry man too lazy to cook some folks have enough trouble getting the right change and separating the whites from the colors,” she said. “To ask them to multi-task in this manner would clearly blow a fuse in their poorly managed lives. Maybe if the gov’ment added bleach or fabric softener they would pay more attention to their democracy.”

– Tar Sands

Byzantines Will Loan Money for US Border Wall

(Constantinople) The Byzantine Empire (330 -1453) has agreed to loan the United States 8 billion dollars to pay for the construction of a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Sidestepping accusations of collusion, the Byzantines reluctantly agreed to bring in slave labor.

The loan would be of the World Bank quagmire meaning that the money would be loaned to the current rulers who could spend it as they see fit and then pass the debt along to the taxpayers, often into the next generation.

“It works great if you happen to be on the top of the egg,’ said Sparrow Maguire, a poultry philosopher of some regard. “If you are poor you are now poor with fewer services. If you are rich you can pay for the services and life will continue as it was before. The ramifications: Cold, hard fiscal disaster hits Grandpa in the teeth or little cousin Mary can’t go to college. The family flooded out last spring will starve. There are no libraries or free swimming pools.”

Agreeing that the proposed and hotly contested separation structure was “a medieval answer to a 21st Century problem”, the Byzantines cast themselves as experts, having once overseen the construction of what is arguably the finest wall of the Middle Ages.

Saying that they always paid subcontractors, and that this Bone Star Wall was no more than a monument to narcissism, the Byzantine National Bank remained poised to cut a check this morning while fist fights erupted in the House of Reprehendables.

Pro-Wall demonstrators clamored for more walls while cheering and delighting to murals of famous great walled cities on a Pennsylvania Avenue big screen. The walls of Monteriggisni in Italy, Cartagena in Colombia and Znojmo in the Czech Republic were there for all to see.

“They are magnificent,” said Maguire. “Eminent domain is not so bad. I figure a lot of these folks voted for it. They want to keep those dirty immigrants out but not with their land up for grabs.”

What the Byzantines hope to gain from the arrangement was not clear as the second round of negotiations came to a close on Friday. Insiders say there is more to this rodeo than barrel racing. Some say they smell a rat.

“Hey, walls are great, for a while and for temporary purposes,” said Basina Minicea of the Byzantine Coalition, currently shaking off sand at a West Palm Beach seminar. “We have the money stashed from a Knights Templar foul up in 1187 and would like to see it grow.”

Although no interest rate was discussed, it prompted Pro Wall advocates through The South to offer “wall acreage” to their besieged leaders. Unfortunately the land offered was nowhere near an international border and immigrant traffic is negligible.

The Constantinople Wall, built in the 4th and 5th Centuries, housed an entire city inside with size a scale unseen in the modern world. It stood twelve meters high and a massive barrier chain of wood and iron shackles could be dragged and anchored to protect the nautical approaches to the city.

“It worked well for us until the 15th Century when the Ottoman Turks showed up outside of town and kicked our asses,” said Minicea.

 If all goes well the ruins of the wall might be rediscovered 1500 years from now much to the delight of archeologists and grave robbers. According to past histories it might attract a few tourists.

 – Melvin O’Toole

No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Woman

An unprecedented No Lie Zone, banning both Kellyanne Conway and the Sarah Huckabee Sanders from the press conference microphone goes into affect this afternoon after much blind whining and tweeting by the Oval Office.

Calling his close advisors good Christians, the extramarital chief executive blasted the action taken by what he called “rogue factions of the U.S. military” over the weekend.

These two women are gold, “the last of the loyal,” said Trump. “Liars have long noses. I don’t see any long noses here.”

The Air Force decided on the restrictions after burgeoning mistruths and childish explanations continued to flow from the two spokespersons. The No Lie Zone will be conducted much like a No Fly Zone that prohibits certain movements and access to conventional response.

“Farfetched tales emanating from this den of thieves would make Pinocchio blush,” said an unidentified source investigating Donald Trump’s golf handicap.

Both Kellyanne and Huckabee have been nominated to the prestigious Liar’s Hall-of-Fame in Truth or Consequences NM. In the recent past the honor has been bestowed on such great liars as Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin and Richard Nixon. Until 2009 the “society” was strictly men-only but due to pressure from the Obama Administration women are now eligible for induction.

“Sometimes it is difficult to separate the blatant lies from genetic stupidity,” continued the handicap scrutinizer, who shared concerns that Trump aides and devotees are worse than the product they support.

“Turning one’s attention away from criminals does nothing for the duped,” he added. “Is deceit now the business of the day?”

Meanwhile Mike Pence announced he would opt out on his final two years of WH eligibility and enter an assisted living agreement with Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for treatment in February. “Let’s just say he’s not joining the staff,” said a bystander familiar with the alteration.

– Small Mouth Bess

“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”
― George Orwell, 1984

DIALING UP THE SNOW GODS

Praying for snow

(Crested Butte) As the old saying goes if you want a god to listen to your petty needs first you have to get his/her attention. Unlike the mule scenario, a club is not recommended. Rather, the snow sports enthusiast and the water user need to tune into certain rituals and observances to facilitate communication and secure the good will and blessings of our betters up there in the sky.

     In recent dry years the practice of petitioning the gods has grown into a mega business with network astrologists, television evangelists, and an assortment of voodoo vagabonds leading the way. Don’t be thwarted by these charlatans and moguls of miscalculation. The only way to secure the support of these celestial loafers is to follow the strict guidelines put down in this manifesto.

Hooking Up with the heavens

First of all one doesn’t want to waste a lot of time talking to the wrong god. Some of these beings specialize and care not to detour from their eternal quest. There are gods of war, goddesses of love and fertility, gods of drink, gods of game, gods of dispossession, gods of second-hand clothing…The list is endless. Before you seek the help of any god do your homework. Your credibility is important. (Note: Most gods speak English and respond to faxes, E-mails and other cumbersome baggage of the Information Age.) Keep in mind that all gods, even the Judeo-Christian god are not American citizens. While this is shocking to some, it has been substantiated time and again. To reach the specified god just look up into the sky and say, “Excuse us our interruptions and palpitations but, like, could you make it snow this afternoon?” If the god is sleeping, clipping his toenails or engaged in a board game, it might be better to call back in an hour.

Rituals are all important

It is considered rude to stand while talking to the powers in the sky. The correct posture is down on both knees (see figure #99) with eyes fixed to the sky. Keep favors concise and offer to do whatever it takes to placate the forces of nature. Always thank your chosen benefactor and burn offerings quickly so as not to be busted by atheistic air quality control personnel. It is not necessary to purchase gifts for your god since they pretty much have everything. Leaving a small glass of rum or a tumbler of Wild Irish Rose should do the trick, at least it has for the author. Going kosher is perfectly acceptable but not expected unless one is requesting intercession on matters of the Old Testament or looking for advice on custom tailoring or where to buy crumb cake.

Keep your karma, Parma

If you’re hoping to gain a positive response start by getting your affairs in order. Don’t kick the dog or yell at the neighbors. Be kind to your family and pay your local venders. Remember: This reincarnation racquet could be for real. Don’t run over marmots, respect trees and smile at everyone (even realtors, who might have been rabbits, snakes or your Uncle Jack in former lives). Most of the gods can spot a phony from miles off and are all too happy to lead solicitors on before dropping them on their heads. Incense is not necessary while praying unless the gods have cooked catfish the night before. When sending wee-mail address the god as Dr., Mr. or Ms. as in Dr. Powderzeus, Mr. Karishslush or Ms. Aphrodumpe. Etiquette is all important to the idle rich.

A little chanting goes a long way

The last thing your average god wants is noise. We suggest that you whisper or attempt to get your message across with simple telepathy. If you must talk do so in a monotone. There is no need for inflection or trying to stress a point. These cloud squatters have been around for centuries and have heard it all by now. When you engage a god in conversation state your purpose and desires plainly and distinctly. Don’t ask twice for the same privilege. If you’re looking for a genie in a bottle or a leprechaun’s gold you’re in the wrong story. This is mythology, not legend or hearsay. Most importantly: DO NOT WHINE to the gods. They, like everyone else in your life, cannot justify time spent in complaint.

Be prepared for live sacrifices

Some of the younger gods are still testing their worth and may ask for live sacrifices. Sheep, goats and cattle are generally favored. Chickens (plucked) are considered to be too small while elk (dressed out) are often too large to drag through the heavens. Most gods prefer their sacrifices cooked medium to medium rare. With this approach you are not screwed if your divine diner decides to send the fare back. Sacrificing a sandwich for lunch or a bowl of Wheaties for breakfast might work just so long as the other gods aren’t watching. Use good common sense and you’ll get through this part without lightning strikes or the rendering of plague or pestilence. Most people agree that swarms of locust are no fun. Incompetence here could spell disaster for the rest of us.

Consult our voice-mail index for further excursions

The Horseshoe has been constructing a virtual reality communications system (800-SNO-GODS) aimed at the sky. Although it has not been completed it has been released into cyberspace for your convenience. Please read the instructions before proceeding.

1. If you are not concerned with avalanches PRESS 2 NOW.

2. If you only want it to snow in specific regions PRESS 3 NOW.

3. If you want correspondence in Innuit or High Texan PRESS 4 NOW

4. If you’re looking for snowboard information please connect to our challenged web page at www.linkmissing.com.

5. If you think you’re a god and you’re trying to reach us try our wee-mail.

6. Establish ski in/ski out potential

7. If your particular god wants a bribe, offer rum or cigars. NO GLASS BOTTLES please.

8. If all else fails ask your dog to intercede for you. Most gods prefer housebroken dogs and cats to people for obvious reasons.

That should do you. Grab those knee pads and get to praying. Just be prepared to help clean up the mess.