All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Snow Heart
Maybe good luck or maybe good luck in romance? A heart in the snow in Ouray. Photo by Delinda Austin
Things not to do while visiting Western Colorado this winter
Welcome visitors. Ski season is peaking out. Here are a few tips on how to get along better with the residents without surrendering impulsivity, dollars or your great sense of humor.
Never order the moose steak. These animals have just recently joined our Rocky Mountain fauna guest list and it would be rude. Try the beef or trout but if you must have wild game tell your waiter to bring you a rack of antelope ribs. We are closing out these flimsy mammals to make room for new merchandise this spring.
Don’t talk about “climate catastrophe” in public. It offends the sleepwalkers. It is also a good idea not to discuss anything that might force these people to think. Leave politics for the bar flies and bench philosophers.
Do not talk about Tommy knockers, cave spirits, Jackalopes, hidden gold or haunted mine shafts. It is a sensitive subject with most of us and does not concern you. Better to talk about the weather, sports or what you’re having for breakfast tomorrow with your green chilies.
Don’t dress up like a cowboy unless you have a horse in tow. If someone challenges you to a gunfight go to your hotel and wait there until the smoke clears. Oversize belt buckles can get you in real trouble if you get too close to the magnetic pull of the Continental Divide.
Cozy up to an ATM machine upon arrival. Always take out the highest amount allowable. It could snow and close the banks. Be sure to locate a pharmacy if you need prescription drugs. With the legalization on marijuana they are soon to be a thing of the past.
Never bitch about the roads. We know they’re bad and we also know about priorities, corruption and the difficulty transporting asphalt over the Great Divide. The roads are better on the Front Range because that’s where the money resides.
When entering a marijuana dispensary be cool and keep it simple. When leaving, don’t linger. Don’t smoke in the car or on the pavement. Pot may be legal but there are regulations and common sense restrictions. Try the cantaloupe stew or the pinto bean poppers when traveling to the pot store. Crime has dropped significantly since using marijuana is no longer a crime.
Don’t approach celebrities. Give them their space and their privacy. That includes self-made celebrities and those who think they are of that cloth. Never listen to the advice of a newcomer. They are just tourists with local post office boxes.
Never say anything like “Well, you can’t eat the scenery” or “Why are there all those deer on the highway at night?” Instead say: “Pass the jalapeños, Roy.”
Be nice, genuinely nice. We have all seen tourists trying to be cool. It’s ugly. Nice will get you everything you need. Relax and enjoy. You could even lie and tell locals how much you enjoy watching CU football. Coloradans are among the happiest people on the continent. Don’t rock the stage coach.
If you’re going for a drink go to the noisy bar not the fern bar. There are 20 rivers whose headwaters begin in Colorado. That makes us very thirsty. Purchase rounds whenever given the chance. Happy hours are worth it and should relive the pressure on the imbiber’s wallet.
Never forget your coat. Just because it’s 50 degrees at 3 o’clock doesn’t mean it will stay at that level. Once outside the bar the outstanding microbrews won’t keep you warm for long.
The sun and altitude won’t hurt you unless you are abusive. Drink lots of water and hold off on the booze for 24 hours after your elevation shift. Wear sunscreen but leave the fur boots and doggie sweaters at home.
Do not wear shirts and caps that say Texas or Oklahoma on them. Most people already know where you came from by the way you speak and do not need constant reminders.
Don’t pet dogs in back of pickups unless you are intimate with the dog.
Always return waves from other motorists on back roads. Take dirt roads over highways and forget the classic four-wheel-drive passes until at least mid-June.
Don’t tailgate. Yes, we know we are throwbacks with one-lane roads everywhere. Honor all stop signs since we can’t afford proper traffic lights. Your SUV is not bulletproof. Don’t drink and drive.
Never preface a sentence with “Back in (Moline) where I come from we…” Remember that one third of the state is owned and managed by the Feds. If someone asks your opinion on that just order more green chilies and a Coors.
Remember: The actions of these hick cops will stand up in court when you get back to civilization.
Fenian Cell Takes Issue with Fighting Irish
(Cork) Much like other sports franchises and academic entities the University of Notre Dame is now under the gun with the Fenians who claim that the school slogan, “Fighting Irish” is derogatory and racist.
Following the lead of many universities and high school that have changed their names from Native American references and ethnic labels the Fenians are demanding that the long established Catholic university soften its approach to athletics.
“The Fighting Irish term makes us all look like brawlers and rowdies,” said Patrick Patrick O’Healy of Queens, New York. “They don’t pay much attention to this indictment flung to the heavens by our detractors and competitors in America. It’s an Irish-American thing.”
Whether or not the University will take the challenge seriously was not clear at press time. It may all have to do with public opinion. While pro sports teams must adhere to the bottom line, most schools simply must deal with alumni and regulations imposed by such groups as the NCAA. That bottom line is often blurred.
“If Notre Dame doesn’t come around we’ll go to South Bend and box ‘em in the gob,” said O’Healy.
Is tuisce deoch na sceat. Fag an bealach! (A story requires a drink. Clear the way!)
Summer will return say meteorologists
No matter what it feels like in February, summer will make its’ annual descent on the Rockies starting May 25 this year. On that day the temperature will reach 83 degrees at about 2:17 in the afternoon. The popular season is expected to stick around until October 16 accentuated by the repeated dustings of snow in the high country.
Ski Resorts Hope to Develop Bad Neighborhoods
(Crested Butte) Citing burgeoning resentment on the part of the disadvantaged across the country, many Colorado ski towns are encouraging the establishment of bad neighborhoods within their town limits. Skiing is often perceived as the recreation of the rich which is not always good for lift ticket sales.
A quick fix may be in the works.
Many resorts have already begun building what may well be the slums of the future and others are busy attracting a host of social ills often associated with skid rows and ghettos. Topping the list are the prospective residents of these environs and the increase in crime needed to achieve these lofty goals.
“At present we enjoy blue skies and low pressure on social institutions,” said Sarah Parvenu, of Colorado Skree Country. “That will change as we attempt to embrace validity within fantasy mountain communities. In a few years we hope to catch up with the urban centers and offer diversity in our newly emerging mean streets.”
Initial plans are to house 90-day wonders and seasonal ski workers, in these neighborhoods at affordable housing prices. When the experiment gets off the ground proponents of the plan expect the demand for tenement living to increase.
“It’s the ying and yang thing,” continued Parvenu. “We can’t go on sporting affluence while ignoring the realities of population distribution and income disparity. It looks silly to worry about powder days when a portion of the state population is struggling to keep warm and eat.”
In addressing the subject of crime, the architects of the program say it will take years before gangs and syndicates will be up and running. They insist that thugs and mobsters can be sealed off in the low neighborhoods with a strong police presence. According to studies concluded in such diverse theaters as Sweden and Somalia, crooks are more comfortable terrorizing their next-door neighbors than traveling into rich areas to ply their trades.
Crimes like this one will go unpunished if the ski industry has its way.
“The bottom line is that we have lost touch with reality and drastic measures are necessary to get back the balance,” explained our source. “Historically towns like Crested Butte, Telluride and Aspen had terrible neighborhoods, so let’s stay in step with precedence. Can we expect to achieve UNESCO status or continue to develop a competitive basketball program without including the poor in our census?”
How these moves might affect second homeowners was not clear at press time. Many say they will continue to visit the resorts for a few weeks per year and will hire security agents to patrol their properties.
“Yes, we have property management personnel running all over town but now they will be quick-response, deputized militia armed and capable of returning fire and apprehending suspects.”
The local police force, which has more than doubled since last week, will attempt to avoid profiling based on vehicle type although, according to officers polled, that could be difficult.
“If we see a beat up heap cruising near the slopes we might be inclined to watch them closer than a motorist driving a new Chevy Silverado Mercedes SUV,” said one officer That’s not profiling…It’s just common sense.”
The beefed up police force would then, in addition to patrolling the rough areas, step up DUI arrests to pay for the additional gasoline expense.
“The expansion of bad neighborhoods in mountain towns should not cost the taxpayer one red cent which is good news in these tense economic times,” stressed Parvenu. At first look we will seek to create nouveau slums near the interstates, in existing industrial zones and in less desirable spots on the fringe of towns. Here in Crested Butte that might mean new settlements up Kebler where most tourists wouldn’t see them, and remote locales near former coalmines. Decisions like these will come later. Right now we have to get these socialistic blueprints past the town councils and the county.”
Critics of all this say they cannot fathom distressed neighborhoods on the other side of the tracks since the railroad pulled out of town many decades ago.
Mountain Rescue – Winter Vigil
As long as there is a Red Mountain Pass there will be Ouray County Rescue. photo by Delinda Austin
