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Recycling Plan to Include Crabs

(Gunnison) In what has been called a progressive plan to encourage further recycling, leaders here have included cranky residents in a future blueprint for rubbish removal and general sanitation.  Starting this summer refuse engineers will begin picking up recycled persons who have clearly exhibited negative, whinny and destructive behavior as defined by their peers.

According to the master plan the city will not go trolling for malcontents but rather will rely on residents to identify and isolate these people by leaving them on the sidewalk with their garbage and  traditional recyclables. Once pegged as a chronic crab and continual menace to the positive flow of energy that person will be hauled off to an unspecified locale to get help.

“I myself “removed” after a series of tantrums and sullen behavior one winter back in Whitefish, Montana,” confessed Byron Ivanhoe, the recognized architect of the Gunnison plan who holds a doctorate in urban planning from Cal Polygamy. “Whitefish, a pioneer in recycling philosophy, sent me to a sanitarium in Belize, where I got help. It was then that I realized light deficiency and continued cold weather didn’t agree with me so I relocated to the banana belt, found a parasitic position, bought a fly rod and began paying back my debt to society.”

Cutting his teeth on recycling back in the Midwest, where entire towns often had to be recycled, Ivanhoe was quick to point out that most people in Colorado are perfectly adjusted and environment and will never need to be recycled.

“Sure in the middle of winter our workload might be higher but then with the coming of the warmer weather we expect very little activity unless we get some unhappy arrival, testy transient or crabby drop-in,” explained Ivanhoe. “All I can say is that our teams receive the latest training and the designated crab had better stay clear of pickup spots on trash day.”

If you live within the confines of the city of Gunnison and you would like to recycle a crabby neighbor or family member simply put them out the night before the scheduled pickup. Persons from outside the city are not eligible for this service. Anyone caught attempting to recycle emotional baggage or toxic materials will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

-Dag Katz 

“Just looking for one more enchanted evening before I go down.”

         – General Kashmir Horseshoe, 102, prior to the crossing and scaling of Belmont Citadel Birth Canal , March 7, 2024