All Entries Tagged With: "mountain humor"

Local power company acquires Wyoming

(Nucla) San Miguel Power Company has reportedly purchased the state of Wyoming for an undisclosed sum according to unreliable sources here. The transaction went down smoothly although many residents there are concerned about the future.

“We’re not going to force anyone to move,” said one engineer at SMP, “we’re just creating an avenue for growth.”

San Miguel Power plans to harness the legendary winds that prowl the region and turn that resource into energy. The remainder of the state, with the exception of Gillette will be used for storage.

Ridiculous Laps Self

(Los Angeles) It had to happen sooner or later. After centuries of the human experience on this planet the stark concept of the ridiculous/absurd has caught up with and passed itself.

According to a pack of silly watch dog groups organized to monitor the rise of the ultra-ridiculous in modern society, inhabitants of the planet first recognized the existence of the ridiculous early on when hairy little men in animal skins went out to do battle with saber-toothed tigers and mammoths, armed with only a flimsy spear, some menacing rocks and the ability of rational thought. Some were even naked. Living in caves without television and dish washers extracts a hearty toll on one’s sense of balance, priority and applied logic.

Later, with the rise of civilized societies in the Mideast warfare dictated the height of ridiculous in that vast armies would hurl themselves at each other for no apparent reason other than the ego of kings, and the desire for glory on the battlefield. Arrows begot shields and castles demanded moats. Sure, there were the spoils and the plunder but they were secondary to the primitive yearnings for the other guy’s blood.

The situation continued to simmer through the Greek and Roman periods and through the early days of Christianity when pagan holidays magically became Christian ones and superstition replaced clear thought. Later Islamic warriors swept across continent secure in the fact that death for Allah would bring eternity in paradise. Preoccupied Europeans, busy with crooked Popes and the dredges of Black Death didn’t see it all coming.

“All this time the proponents of the absurd never faced up to the burden of validity,” says research analyst, Homer Romer, Director of False Civilization at Cal Polygamy Institute here. “Despite the Industrial Revolution and the dawn of The Renaissance nobody possessed the chronology as to the human emergence or what was in store down the road.”

Romer said that in short: “We have no real proof as to where we came from or where we’re going.

“History joins the ranks of the ridiculous here when we attempt to substitute warped hearsay for biological origins of each living creature on earth,” said Romer. “Sure, we can dig up Mesopotamia and argue about the exact locale of the Garden of Eden but that still doesn’t answer the big question: What was the average Joe up to moments before birth, or better yet moments before conception? Where does he go after all of this?

Romer, dressed in his flagship high-top sneakers and terry-cloth bathrobe, adjusted his caramel-colored Velcro eye patch and discounted the sperm and egg theory as just another biological ploy to throw intellectuals off the trail.

“Since the inception of spiritualism man has imagined all sorts of afterlife possibilities, many hooked to behavior while in the mortal state. The concept of heaven and hell didn’t start with sun worship or the invention of fire but long before that when the first people failed to come to grips with the regular arrival of night. The chicken or the egg controversy came to light soon after a connection between scrambled and over easy. In short: Did the chicken create the egg or the egg create the chicken, and might I have another helping of beans and rice?”

Despite the growing ridiculousness engulfing the planet man went on with his tedious daily pursuits, which usually involved storing more food or honing better weapons.

During one of our Dark Ages, mumbo-jumbo such as the Divine Right theory and Holy Feudalism hurled man into a state of ridiculous stature determined by birth and death. Very little has changed.

Still no one contested the long-held beliefs of order in the heavens presided over by a Supreme somebody.

The rise of sophisticated technology and the arrival of the Industrial Revolution added great heaps of fuel to the roaring fire. Now warfare could be counted on to destroy more people per square mile than ever before. Still an effective method for picking up the trash was never established.

“Until the employment of gunpowder warriors had to work at the destruction of their adversaries, often at the celebrated hand-to-hand category,” said Romer. “Now it could be accomplished en masse with explosives. In the final stand-off lead will beat flesh every time.”

Some historians are convinced that warfare is the great population control yet through the next century of continual warfare we see the planet’s population skyrocket. All these people and no sense of direction. The utter ridiculousness of it all achieved a position of dominance despite the outward trappings of civilization. Still, even during the nightmares of the Twentieth Century the serious observer could distinguish logic from the absurd. No more.

Now that the mindless march of ridiculous notion has gained a poll position there’s nothing stopping it from spinning even further out of control. Whether or not man can reign in his most dangerous inventions is of little consequence as even our very nature is caught up in lemming-like progress. Will the planet finally hit the eject button or go down with humanity’s ship? Is the earth really flat? It sure looks that way in Kansas and in vast sections of Russia. Will people like this Romer fellow still draw a paycheck for their ramblings? Why are hot dogs so bad for us?

“May ye live in interesting times”, whether a curse or a holiday greeting, has never been more appropriate as we watch politicians parrot their virtues, see television replace human interaction, stand-by as mass marketing rules the day. All this with chemically -induced food yields, gated communities and nuclear weapons.

“Who will stand up and demand that common sense is employed,” asks Romer. “Not me, Charlie, I’m off for an afternoon of bridge jumping. I just hope we find water.”

–Tommy Middelfinger

Offensive linemen accused of cannibalism on team bus

(Manana) Two sophomore linemen from the University of Commuter Mantras, have been detained here due to accusations that they ate two other players on an overnight bus to the league finals in Wimpton.

The unnamed perpetrators, a guard and a tackle, had reportedly been banned from the mid-day training table for disciplinary reasons according to someone familiar with the team’s daily routine. That meant they’d have to go until morning on nothing but the light snack served on the bus.

Police confirmed that a place kicker was “gnawed on” and a free safety lost part of his forearm. Both are expected to recover in time for the finals if the Manana squad makes it that far. The suspects have been disqualified from competition until the matter is resolved.

Coaches refused to comment officially on the developments saying only that “place kickers and safeties wee a dime a dozen but good offensive linemen were hard to find.”

NCAA officials, most cannibals in their own right, say they will forbid punitive measures involving food and sleep deprivation since “it brings out the mean streaks far before kickoff.” The college sports watchdog has recently come under fire for policies that limit or prohibit income earning potential among amateur athletes on scholarship or simply participating in current programs.

“If the NCAA represented anyone but itself it might have allowed for lunch allowances from alumni or personal items like toothpaste or gold chains.

-Rocky Flats

Man Cleared of Uranium Trafficking

(Nucla) A local furniture auctioneer has been released from custody this morning after being found not guilty of selling weapons-grade uranium to Naturita. The jury, composed entirely of out-of-work cherry pickers, deliberated for two days before communications broke down.

“They didn’t speak much English and we don’t speak much Spanish,” said quart recorder Muriel Etchabarren, “so we had to pull in a bi-linguist from the county seat.”

In a matter of minutes the jury acquitted Melvin Toole, 98, of Pea Green. Now they are seeking another courtroom drama, contending that serving the court system as jurors is far better than agricultural labor.

According to Toole he was attempting to wrestle with a butcher’s block table and some assorted wicker ware when a small metal box crashed to the ground, frightening the crowd and breaking open to expose a chunky bowling ball of what was clearly uranium 235. Encased by the mineral, pitchblende, the element was quickly identified as high quality by West End experts.

“They may not know everything around these parts but they damn sure know what comes out of the ground,” said Toole, explaining the proceedings. “The possession of uranium is illegal and it showed up at my auction. I was caught with my gavel down.”

The uranium was confiscated and Toole placed in protective custody until federal interrogators from Utah could get a bus from Green River. His bail was set at $100. He was not able to raise the sum and has spent almost two weeks in jail. A three-time loser, Toole was indicted for sneaking into the drive-in theater in 1963 and spitting tobacco on the local shuffleboard court some 20 years later.

This uranium caper is his third offense and carries with it mandatory non-beer diet and three hours a day on the much feared Uravan Treadmill.

“The hold-up was forming a jury in such a high-profile case,” said defense attorney Ralston Morstern, who is handling the case gratuitously.

“How can we expect to find anyone who has not already formed and opinion on this kind of case? After a week we finally found this nice family of migrant workers who had no prior opinion of uranium, Toole or buses schedules from Utah. None had watched the nightly news or read a paper since arriving here from Chihuahua in May. If it weren’t for the language barrier my client would have been free in a matter of minutes.”

Although the source and the present whereabouts of the uranium remain a mystery, Toole is free to continue his auctioning. He has promised to be on the lookout for further contraband that might be tucked away in dresser drawers, footlockers or taped to the insides of lampshades.

Naturita is allegedly building a nuclear facility designed to kick out biodegradable uranium heirlooms and fissionable radioactive pellets for sale to phantom cruise passengers in the non-existent local bazaars and kiosks which do not dot the riverbank there.

“The mining days are over but we still have a lot of visitors with an interest in nuclear weapons,” said Toole. “We want to keep that up.”

-Small Mouth Bess

BUTTER CROP DESTROYED BY HURRICANE MARGE

(Ft. Worth) At least half of the 2019 butter crop has been ruined after flooding and high winds associated with Hurricane Marge. Already this morning thousands are without animal fat spread, forced to employ oleo after pancakes stuck to the pan as far away as Texarkana.

Surges of drowned butter blossoms hang in the air. Tubs of the stuff float on makeshift rafts waiting in vain for recovery. Cows cry. Link sausages find themselves bedded down in shelters without sufficient reading lamps.

The President of the United States has declared the area from Clovis to Tyler a national cholesterol area and has promised over $200 in aid.

Marge, short for Margarine, a deceased Afro-French despot, is blamed for a dangerously stunted biscuits and gravy yield as far south as Galveston while the valuable grits crop is bound for the ports of Marseille and Hamburg . Texas alone sends 35,000 tons of grits to the former Soviet Union annually to be made into gut-wrenching, medicinal rubbing/swilling vodka.

Meanwhile butter farmers, up to their waists in saturated fats, have petitioned the government of Mexico for starter seed that must be in the ground prior to Pearl Harbor Day. After that the seed will not sprout and the fields will produce nothing but oil wells. Apparently the farmers feel the Mexicans have been hoarding the expensive starter seed since the early days of the Zapatista Movement in Chiapas.

“How else could their leaders be so consistently slippery,” asked one farmer, “and why else would the U.S. continue to turn its attention away from the heartless atrocities committed just south of the border down Mexico way? Now, we went and ruined the story by getting political when all the American TV viewing public really wants is to know what side of their bread is buttered.”

– Small Mouth Bess

WORLD WAR I STARTED ON POOL TABLE

(Strasbourg) Some surface historians blame the First World War on the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand by Serbs in Sarajevo. Others point to the Zabern Affair in the Alsace-Lorraine, which infuriated hawks in both France and Germany. Still other social scientists insist that the massacre began due to a longtime feud between royal cousins with massive armies at their disposal. This is all poppycock. World War I was ignited by a simple game of pool.

Some of the assholes who started World War I for no good reason

Although little has been written and even less documented with regards to this fascinating theory, this shall in no way detour us in our quest for the final truth. What we have already found out might put the stodgier of historians into a tizzy, or worse.

Our flight to Stuttgart was uneventful and the entire entourage felt lightheaded as we deplaned amid yet another month-long harvest festival. We drove to the French frontier, stopping once to check metric tire pressure and once to freshen up.

According to locals interviewed in the German village of Lahr, in the Black Forest, the leaders of nine European countries met here in secret in January of 1914 in an attempt to iron out difficulties and avert a mortal conflict. While most of our sources are only descendants of actual eyewitnesses, they seemed honest enough and we decided to take their recollections to the bank.

After a week of cross-examination we found that villagers from Rastatt to Schaffhausen were in agreement as to how that meeting went down. Most have claimed to have at least a shirttail relative in attendance at that Strasbourg pool hall on the night in question.

Anyway, it appears that Lloyd George arrived first, ordered a Watneys and sat in the corner, that, being the British thing to do. Hungarian Premier Count Tisza, who brought along his own cue stick, fortuitously joined him. Soon Prussian boss Otto von Bismarck, Austrian Premier Count Carl Sturgkh, Chief-of-Staff Paul von Hindenburg and King Constantine of Greece made their way through the door. Then Bismarck bought a round for the house, much to the enjoyment of the curious assemblage.

Georges Clemenceau and Henri Petain were next to show up, fashionably late, yet somewhat miffed that they had missed a rare round purchased by the frugal German clique. Then, with a flair that only the Russian could muster, Czar Nicholas emerged from his royal Cossack coach, driven by miniature horses and a host of gelded Bolsheviks, captured outside the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg over the holidays. Accompanying him was his wife, Alexandra, who quickly grew bored with the milieu and beat feet for Lahr’s strip of trendy boutiques in search of cuckoo clocks and bittersweet German chocolates.

Soon everyone was seated with the noted exception of President Woodrow “League of Nations” Wilson and his military attaché, General John “Black Jack” Pershing. Somehow, during the delay Count Tisza challenged Bismarck to a friendly game of pool, which he won handily, running the table before the proud Bismarck could even choose a stick. Bismarck frowned and sat down, furious at his predicament. Several other players entered the foray at this juncture with Lloyd George soundly whipping Georges Clemenceau and Czar Nicholas destroying a brave eleventh hour bid by King Constantine.

Then, just as the tardy Americans passed through the back door something snapped. Bismarck, still peeved over his loss to the Hungarian, claimed that he had put a quarter up on the table immediately following his defeat. Petain insisted that it was his quarter and told Bismarck to sit back down and drink his beer. His tone was confrontational at best and Bismarck blew up. He charged the smaller Frenchman, punching him about the head and torso. It took three men to pull the two apart.

The Americans, who most locals feel precipitated the fracas by their less than prompt advent, attempted to negotiate a peace but it was not meant to be.

Bismarck called Tisza “an upstart, a roturier, a gypsy!” Tisza responded by accusing Bismarck of “grandstanding” and added that his King Charles Spaniel was “grossly overweight, even fat!” This brought a chorus of laughter from the French and British contingents that were now ordering Long Island Ice Teas by the pitcher and spoiling for a fight. It appears that it was at this point that the alliances surfaced which would ultimately lead to a world war.

Both Bismarck and Tisza glared angrily into the Anglo-Franco peanut gallery hanging onto the bar. Harsh words were exchanged for now it appeared that the Prussian and the Hungarian had buried the hatchet and were more offended by the ridicule now heaped upon them than by the bad blood that had only moments before passed between them.

Another swinging match ensued, this time with Czar Nicholas and von Hindenburg jumping in. Before it was ended Lloyd George was blind sided by a Hupmobile tire iron and most of the decorative glass in the place was shattered. Count Sturgkh suffered a slight concussion after a collision with a brass-serving tray while Petain lost a tooth and retreated, as would become his mode of operation, into the nearest broom closet to await the outcome.

The police arrived at about ten and arrested everyone who had the bad judgment to remain on the scene. Alexandra, who had only recently returned from her shopping trip, subsequently bailed most out of Lahr Municipal Jail. The combatants were then told to get out of town on the next train. President Wilson, setting a dangerous precedent that would not be fully understood until the end of the century, paid damages.

Meanwhile, for most of the civilized world this sad episode dictated what was to come in Europe as the leaders of the world’s greatest nations chose to sacrifice millions of lives rather than swallow their pride over a simple game of pool.

Kevin Haley, lives in Colona where he goes to bed early and hits fly balls to clumsy mule deer in his nearby pasture.  He thinks Aristotle Onassis was an Irish philosopher.